Scattered words from a scattered mind...

Howl of the Steppenwolf

2011-11-23T12:18:00.000-05:00

This feeling I long for
Overcomes any shade of toughness
I could ever display or fake

This feeling I long for
Is the reason I always feel solitude
It's fun to listen to other people
feel lonely because they don't have someone
hanging out in their halls

They yearn for what they thought was real
They yearn for miliseconds of pleasure, and company
They yearn for being someone's something
They yearn for denial, sacrifice, in despair.

Me, on the other hand...
Am always longing for a freedom call
And I know, it has the shape of a woman
A woman just as beautiful, and capable
soft tender skin, long black hair, eyes colored hazel.

But I keep being called stupid,
I keep being called superficial,
I guess I don't have the right to see beauty
To have a moment of peace, through my eyes and body

Well, I guess everyone else believe
They could fulfill and chase the dream
To see, touch, embrace beauty
in whatever shape it is
For them, this is not a sin, but a right given at birth

But for me, they say it's a non-sense.

I don't hear no one, just the inmortal voice in me.
And I understand, beauty is in the eye of the beholder
I've learned through trial and error to not rely
In my eyes, because they've deceived me so many times.

Mind and body being just one, my eyes see what yours hide

A letter to Ronnie James Dio

2011-08-15T15:18:00.003-05:00

- Written on December 12, 2009. I just found this on my mail archives -

Hi Ronnie, my name's Carlos and I'm 25 years Old musician.

I'm writing to you from South America, Ecuador... near Colombia, one of the countries you were on tour with Heaven and Hell early this year. Although I haven't had the chance to see you here in my country, you (together with Iommi, and Geezer) are one of my musical heroes, in fact the first song I've heard of Sabbath was "Die Young". I was 18 at the time, about to play a Sabbath Classic (Iron Man), still remember it like it was yesterday...

A great friend of mine told me that you're with cancer. Man, that's quite a bummer... I mean, it's not fair for someone who's really commited into making great music to fall into some sort of weird disease like cancer.

I sort of know how it is, I lost an auntie that I really loved because of that sickness, and it's sort of weird, 'cause you know the sickness is there but the only thing left is, let's say "pray" that goes away...

Which, I hope is the case, so all of us fans around the world who haven't had the chance to see you onstage, bringing the thunder with Geez and Tony, could see you rockin' like you were in the Olimpus man, haha... sorry if I sound way too much fantastic 'bout how I hear your voice, but that's how it is. I always tell my friends that Tony's riffs could rip the earth in two, and your voice sort of creates life again !

Anyway, I hope you get well soon, seriously, and in behalf of my friends who're fans of your music too, I salute you !

Greetings, have a great recovery.

With Much Respect and Admiration..

Carlos.

- Unfortunately, this message wasn't delivered and returned error. -

The Voice of the Soul...

2011-06-18T02:51:00.001-05:00

Sometimes...

When you dream you see things you don't want to see

Your inner demons chase you through infinite streets

Her beauty and your friends turn your space into inmaculate horror

And you try to find shelter...from any kind of sorrow...

And Yet...

You don't feel desperate... or lonely

Like stars do, you keep yourself company

Inside your shell, Isolation leds you to hear the sea

That beautiful sound of freedom ... lives now in your ears...

I'm naked and fearless ...and my fear is naked.

2011-05-23T14:14:00.001-05:00

If I let you, you would make me destroy myself...

In order to survive you, I must first survive myself...

I can sink no further, and I cannot forgive you...

There's no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to erase you...

I've gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain...

I will use my mistakes against you, there's no other choice...

I'm shameless now, I'm nameless now, I'm nothing now, I'm no one now...

But my soul must be iron 'cause my fear is naked...

I'm naked and fearless

...and my fear is naked.

(Written by Henry Rollins)

The power of words... And how they could change your life.

2011-03-22T03:48:00.002-05:00

- To my brother, Christian.

Thank You.

Through my short life, I've read lots of books. Dostoievsky, Kipling, Defoe, Dumas, Green. Lots of authors, many different stories that I related with. Stories from people who were just like you, and me. Regular men and women who fought for making in their stories a better world.

I read my first book while I was 9 or 10, I don't remember very well. That book was fantastic, because since I have always had a vivid imagination, took me to a places I thought didn't exist, but existed after I read about them. That book was "Robinson Crusoe". It's a tale of a man who had to literally, start from zero to become one (let's put it that way). In other words, he had to rebuild and rethink himself.

That tale had a deep impact on me, because as a kid, usually you go around trying to fit somewhere. And that particular book, taught me that every man should stand for his ground and create his own world, because that's what the natural thing is. I always had this "feeling" that I belonged nowhere, somehow I always thought of myself as some kind of misfit. I had friends, sure, I rode a bike around my neighborhood with them, but I didn't have what other fellas had, let's say, a true "friendship". I don't blame no one for that thou.

I always had the personality of a loner, in fact I always felt identified with those kind of characters who walked through the world with no more companionship than themselves.

So anyway, Robinson Crusoe taught me that with a little imagination, and determination, a man could do anything he wanted, living anywhere he wanted as well. That was one of the first valuable lessons a book taught me.

After all these years, I've came across a book a friend of mine wrote. I've read it twice, to make sure nothing escapes from my eyes. When I grab a book, I usually read it one time, but when it really grasps my attention, I gave it more than one read. This particular book, was really interesting. Not because it had stories of magicians, fantastic wizards or shit that doesn't exist. It was interesting, as I mentioned before, because it describes the story of a man who literally, struggles for making a better world for himself.

As a 26 year old man, you have some expectations, like being a professional, having a good time with everyone, having a perfect-10 girlfriend, having sex with as many women as possible, etc... Let's not forget that you also have to deal with your memories. Finally, you feel you have anything but at the end of the day, you realize you have nothing.

While going through the pages of this book, it's quite impossible not to feel identified with the main character. The book portrays the story of a young man, in his late twenties (just like me) who at first, is literally a mess. It wasn't because of others. It was because of himself.

As his life continues, the main character understands that he's the sole architect of his own destiny. And starts changing some aspects of his life. Sometimes on his own, sometimes with help from other friends, and sometimes, with the valuable help of experience.

Towards the end of the book, the main character discovers that he, as many other people in this world, came here for a reason. And he starts walking towards that reason, that moment of clarity, of inner peace, and calm. Sure, it wasn't an easy road, but it was worth it.

What surprised me about this book, is that it brought me back to when I read my first book. While I finished reading Robinson Crusoe, I learned that being a man is a labor that requires courage and discipline. While I finished this book, I realised another valuable lifetime lesson. I realised that, the only thing that matters, in every day of our lives, is to be present.

To be present is something hard... because, past tries to imprison us in its jaws, with no mercy, making us addicted to feel like victims. Yeah sure, we are victims, but we are victims of ourselves. But when you're present, nothing else matters than the minute you're just living, the minute you're just breathing, the minute your eyes blink. I could not imagine of a better sign of being alive, than being present.

Samurais had this motto: "The past lies among the ghosts, and the future remains untold. The present is what we know". And my friend's book, emphasized that. And I'm grateful for it.

Since I read my friend's book, I'm a bit more optimistic, less bitter, and I started to throw away all the useless memories I have in my head, like past non-corresponded loves, failures, things that prevented me to move on to the next stage. And I'm glad, that my friend's words, did this for me, as I'm sure will do for anyone who reads his book.

When you're present, you suffer less.

When you're present, you free yourself from the ego chains.

When you're present, you're alive.

When you're present, you're in tune with yourself.

- My friend's book, by the way, is called "The Last Poem of Schetzzer". Here's the book website: http://www.schetzzer.com . Stay tuned, it will be released world-wide soon !

Circe

2011-02-10T17:27:00.001-05:00

Los días y las noches, pasan...

El sol muere, cada vez que la tarde termina...

Las olas del mar... se encuentran agitadas...

En tus labios, encontraré refugio ante la gran tempestad?

Un viejo faro, sirve de guía

En medio de las turbulentas olas de la vida

Su luz, fuerte y débil al mismo tiempo, ilumina...

El tiempo transcurre, y con él, los segundos de vida...

Tan cerca y tan lejos, tus suaves manos no marchitan...

Las mías, buscan hacerse camino a través de las espinas...

Maldigo la ilusión de la cercanía, y la realidad de la distancia

Nuestros caminos, ahora se han separado, culpo a mi arrogancia.

La soledad, se vuelve compañía...

Cuando la oscuridad reemplaza a la luz del día...

Todo cobra significado a través de lo insignificante...

Todo cobra significado a través de lo inimaginable...

Los días y las noches, pasan...

El sol resucita, en cada amanecer...

Las olas del mar, se encuentran calmadas...

En tus ojos, encontraré un puerto en el cual descansar?

This is my first piece of poetry in spanish, my native language. A woman inspired me to write this... and I thought for a moment, I was Oddysseus.

A hermit's prayer that is actually, a New Year's letter...

2011-01-02T03:26:00.000-05:00

Save this old soul, sacred lord of the skies

Sometimes I believe I can't take this anymore

Save this old soul, sacred lord of the skies

The devil in me tries to destroy all remnants of hope

I can't pray in a loud voice

Exhausted and beaten I feel

Words from strangers and friends, don't help me

And the woman I loved, she left...

The blues I felt, I know you've healed

I know it ain't nothing compared to the pain your dying son felt

He even told me to carry my own cross, just like he did

But there's one little thing he forgot, I ain't him and he ain't me.

I've met death face to face before

First time I did, the same day I was born

The skeptical doctors rumored I'd come to this world dead

And it seems, I cheated death and inhaled fresh air...

It's been many years since that day...

The only feeling I thought I know was pain...

But there ain't nothing like being loved by the ones who were your family and friends

Although, I always remember my woman... keeps moving away...

I know Lord, you had mercy of many of your bastard sons, including me

If I sinned, like I admit now I did, set me free

But... If this is the destiny I made for myself

Make your hermit son stronger

Let me enjoy the things, I avoided.

I hope my words... reach you.

Random pieces of poetry, X: Lies, they taste like wine...

2010-12-28T03:38:00.000-05:00

The purple wine tastes so fine

So do lies, they sound so nice

The lies you hear...

I'll paint myself in your colorful, vivid dreams

I'll live with you in a green, lonely field.

Lock Yourself , throw away your feelings

After so many lies, you believe it's the only way to succeed

Money will come, men and women will fall for you

Congratulate yourself, successful fool

Random Pieces of Poetry, IX: Buried, together with my hopes...

2010-12-28T03:22:00.000-05:00

No matter if you're good or bad...

Our end lies in a cold, lonesome graveyard

Our memories, ideals, buried together with us

As well as the hope of finding a free world.

I feel poisoned, but I'm told I should feel loved

The curtain falls and the plot starts

Two souls, were one once, but now... separated

A human eye can't see how it feels being caged.

Random pieces of poetry, VIII: False Heroes, The Sinner and the Saint

2010-12-28T02:52:00.001-05:00

The sinner is rewarded, the penitent... tortured

False heroes started to arise

The promise of peace, freedom for all?

It's just the trap set to catch the fish...

It's the can of worms

Words are easy to put together

The fools, keep getting stronger... stronger

Words are easy to put together...

Read between the lines....

Would I see a New Dawn?

Random pieces of Poetry VII: Justice is a joke.

2010-12-28T02:32:00.000-05:00

Lies, they're here, there... everywhere. They seem to take human shape

Justice? It's a fucking joke, it's usually told by the corrupt souls

"Mother and Daughter Killed", the newspaper says

... And out there, there's a starving man

The world we live in, is full of pseudo kings without crown
The paradise they talk about, is a fake town
Blinded by "The Holy Spirit" we seem to be
Always praying to a savior that isn't here.

Random pieces of Poetry, VI : Happiness, A true Mystery

2010-12-28T01:33:00.001-05:00

Life, it ain't sunshine

Always raining, it seems to be

Sometimes I find hard to believe

There's happy people around me

There's no science in feeling miserable and lonely

Every once in a while, we all fade slowly

The real mystery, to me, lies in

How to be happy, in the world we live.

Random pieces of poetry, V: A Fearless Seagull With No Destiny

2010-12-26T04:18:00.000-05:00

- A Hopeless cold breeze runs through the window

And the only thing I hear is the dying breath, of the lonely sea waves...

The Seagull flies with no destiny

Outside, the Sun is almost gone

The sea waves keep wishpering:

"There's always Hope"

But sometimes, it becomes the suicidal home

Randoms pieces of poetry, IV: Time As A Coffin

2010-12-26T04:06:00.001-05:00

No Shakespearean Sonnet would open your heart

I don't blame you, because I know it's my fault

My worst fear, was to destroy your soul,

Believe me, I just wanted to love you

But I fullfiled my own prophetic nightmare...

My fear did.

The clock is ticking, the facade has fallen

It's time to destroy, time to remove the mask

Away you go, my loved

Random pieces of poetry, III - The Sun Stalker.

2010-12-26T03:47:00.002-05:00

My eyes are burnt, but I keep staring at the Sun

And suddenly, everything around me turns into dust

A dust, just as cold and infertile like my arid dreams

Feeling Bitter, and Faithless...

Abandoned and lost, I keep staring at the Sun

I wish I felt the human lust

I feel so unworthy, so ashamed of myself

I can't see my loved anymore...

Random pieces of poetry, II - I'm not even close.

2010-12-26T03:37:00.001-05:00

The void keeps growin' inside,

Surrounded and hopeless I am

I ask myself every day, every night:

"How worthy is my life?"

The closer I am to you... The farther you seem to be.

The wound gets deeper... I pushed inside the spear...

I'm about to born again, through self-inflicted pain

No doubt I wouldn't die in vain.

Inspired by someone I met at College a year ago.

The most beautiful woman my eyes have ever seen...

I wish I could go back in time, and fix things.

But I can't

Random pieces of poetry, I. - Cumulus Ragged

2010-11-27T02:24:00.000-05:00

The sky is a blue ragged curtain

And the gods up there look us with disdain...

Prayers made by every man sometimes get lost...

sometimes...

Disgrace dances in the streets

Acid thoughts found a nest in my skin

I cannot stare at the sun anymore...

After all, paranoia always lived in my soul

Arms open, I want to embrace the sky

The ragged curtains, the eternal home..

A silent creature, a loyal companion...

No one deserves to die alone...

Journeyman in the 26th Street...

2010-10-31T05:31:00.001-05:00

- Time ain't coming back, son...

A friend of mine has this quote that goes... "Death or Glory". He knows way better than me what does it mean...

Time sure does fly...

I always think of the years behind me as if they were yesterday... It feels weird having a certain age where you're expected to do "some things" according to the normal "behavior" of society and adults.

Remorse of the things done and undone is a waste... It's a waste of energy, of will power... of determination. Thousands of times before my 26th birthday my conscience attacked me incessantly about a lot of things, specially the ones I haven't done yet or left undone... Like a machine gun fully loaded with the most powerful gun powder, my brain projected images, feelings, sounds trying to make me plead for mercy... trying to make me go crazy... trying to make all my efforts and decisions vain.

But I'm stronger... I know that... just like some kind of veteran soldier who have fought an entire war almost his whole life. A war for survivalism, a war for mental sanity... a war for spiritual enlightening... a war against myself.

On my way to one of my journeys, I realised that it's better to accept what we haven't done... and reconsider if we could do something, yet. If don't, it would be like fighting a battle with wooden swords against an enemy who have nuclear bombs. Being myself the wooden-armed soldier, and being my conscience the bomb-armed entity.

If I was sentenced to shot myself with a bullet for each chance I've missed, in any aspect, I'd be dead. All the shots of the bullets would aim directly towards my head... towards my hands, and towards my legs. Being the reason, for thinking too much, for not doing anything, for not moving in the right direction.

Man, how much have I lost... Money, Opportunities, Women... all the "things" that make one man's life "good". But, you know what... It's allright... losing is a way of understanding... losing is a way of learning ain't nothing granted, for no one... losing is a way to be humble... to be open... to be present.

I'd like to believe that in some weird way, life's been trying to teach me a lot of things, which in some way, I either, accepted or refused. It could be anything, it could be how to do something, it could be how to make money, it could be about women... but life's always there, teaching something... the hard way. And I like it.

And that's why I feel more alive than ever...

The more the days pass and the more I realise I'm 26, I understand that all of these events, have happened or not because of my own decisions, being myself the architect of my own destiny. Maybe I'm designing my destiny not in a Le-Corbusier-esque way, but rather, in a Dali-esque way... in a wild, self-destructive, spiritual, reconstructive way.

What to create, What to destroy? I'm not sure, I guess it depends of the heat of the moment.

Sometimes I'm peaceful... Sometimes I'm the wildest thunder...

I see destruction as a way of creating something new. Maybe, I have to destroy the worst parts of myself to get the real diamond in the rough beneath this skin... beneath this ancient shelter.

From zero to one... from river, to ocean... I realised I'm like nature.

Violent, but Calm. Silent, but Noisy at the same time

Love and hate living inside ... I am the beginning, and I am the end.

I am the sinner and I am the saint

The saint wishes to be loved like a sinner.

I hate and I understand myself

It's human to hate yourself... as it is human to make mistakes.

The Death of Music... < Written by Robert Fripp >

2010-10-19T02:25:00.000-05:00

Robert Fripp

For those of you who know me, Robert Fripp means a Father figure in both musical and spiritual aspects of guitar playing. Much of the people I admire, play the guitar like in a sexual way, which I am not saying is wrong, but personally, I feel more identified with Robert's approach of playing as both a craftsman, and as some sort of monk.

In any case, this is not an article "praising" and saying that he's the best guitar player in the history of guitar...
< To me, he actually is, but I understand we all have our own preferences, so it would be ignorant to say this as a definitive statement >

This is something I want to share for my fellow musicians friends < and fellow guitar players > to read...

The Death of Music

If you know what you are going to play, play something else; or nothing at all.

After all, why hit the right note when a lot more notes get in the way?

One string is often sufficient; and sometimes already one string too many...

Rhythm becomes more apparent when we stop playing from time to time.

Dynamics are good, and more obvious when some notes are quieter than others.

If you like to hit things loudly, constantly, relentlessly, consider becoming a drummer.

Loud, endless strumming = death.

Good to listen to yourself; but listening to others is necessary.

Remain in motion, whether stationary or not: Stillness is dynamic, and only appears to be static.

Breathing is permissible

The criteria are reliability, repeatability & responsibility.

You are playing with friends;whether you like them or not, whether they like you, or not; whether we know it or not.
If none of these apply to you, a career in artist management, A&R or drumming is waiting.

Qualities of time & our experiencing of it…

   Creative Time
   My beginning & end are not apart
   I Am one instantaneous moment of presence


   Time’s Cycle                    Eternity
   Welcome the unexpected            This is the first time

   Time’s Arrow
   One thing after another
   Welcome the expected

Why was I born ... ?

2010-10-15T02:53:00.000-05:00

As I'm writing these lines down, I'm getting closer to my 26's ... closer to the 30's...

I just read right now that Autumn started. The time when the whole ambient gets gloomy, darker, slow motioned... monochrome. The leaves fall, the alive becomes dead, the sky turns grey...

Slipping away from any sign of my former youth...

I am not scared of being old at all, in fact, I think it's quite something I made up to this point of my short, weird, sometimes worthy, sometimes miserable < just like everyone's > life. When I was younger, I thought of suicide every time my eyes blinked... Back then, I always saw salvation in a silver bullet. A river of thoughts have gone through my mind, I've felt the indifference daggers, the falls, the near-death experiences, but I'm still here, standing.

As usual, music has been with me this whole year... I've been getting some music knowledge since January, nothing makes me more happy than that. People are happy with pretty much ridiculous things, such as fame, stability, and attention. I don't give a fuck about those, as long as I've got music with me...

Maybe, that's the real reason I was born. Music... The moment I'm away from it, it's the moment I become destructive, angry, and even mad... Like fishes need water to survive, I need music to behave. In any form, in any style... the need of hearing music, of playing it, of studying it as much as I can and the need of rooting it deep down in my spirit, keeps growing every day...

I have realized that, the more I understand music, the more I understand the nature of the human spirit.

Chaos, oh yes... It's everywhere, every day, every night. It's always looking down on each one of us, but we don't realise it. The moment it visits us, the moment we panic. And most of the times, we lose a great chance to show how strong our spirit is... To understand this, one must have to learn how to spill the water, how to make a mess, how to lose, how to break the glass...

But I'm pretty sure, few are the ones who dare to destroy... to lose, because most of us, are afraid...

Why Men are not humble enough to thank the Sun, every day?
Is it because, the sun would not always give us what we ask from him?
- How miserable are we?

It makes sense I was born this time of the year, my character just reflects the time I was born...

Darkness doesn't mean, that there isn't life. It means, that it's a light we should see with our eyes closed.

Hopeless

2010-09-04T02:44:00.001-05:00

The sun always burns...
The sky isn't always blue...
The moon just reflects...
Fire isn't always destructive...

My eyes met hope once...
Hope was the name I gave you...
But I rejected hope, mercilessly...
And since then, I'm hopeless...

It was our day... It was our afternoon
Your eyes met hope too...
Hope was maybe the name you gave me...
But I turned myself into a demon

A demon your angel eyes despise
A demon you would never understand
A demon who seeks redemption
A demon who will remain condemned.

It was our night...
Cold as it was, I embraced you...
Warmth was the thing you needed
Warmth was the thing I gave you

It was our night
Cold as it was, I finished it...
Maybe your dreams of me... and my dreams of you...
You didn't asked for it, neither did I

It was me turned into a demon,
The demon you despise...
The demon you never want to see again
The demon who stares at you... hopelessly.

It hurts and I guess no one will understand
Maybe you, because you were hurt by me too...
It hurts and I guess no one will understand
How I just decapitated the newborn feelings in us.

Not even the most beautiful melody
Not even the most haunting song
Would make you change your mind
Would make you hate me less

I guess I'm the one to blame.

Myself only...

More reasons, to self-destruct the demon.

The Fool on the Hill

2010-08-31T00:08:00.000-05:00

Anger, how are you doing old friend?

I'm doing fine, I guess. All the same, me sitting on a dirt room, studying the same things, living the rock n' roll road, practicing my guitar scales and all that... and hating my own music from time to time, as well as myself.

Reflection is something I excel at, but lately, what I've seen, what I've saw, and what I've been through, have turned me into some kind of mechanic soldier, immune to bullets of indifference, rejection, useless hatred, things like that...

I used to be hurt, I used to cry over the past....

But as soon as I grew older, each day, I find myself free, accepting things I cannot change or turn back in time. There is no use, the things I did, stay there, and the things I didn't stay there as well, undone of course.

The past sometimes tries to hunt me in every single form, in the shape of words, thoughts, dreams, people...

But I won't let it destroy me, I won't let it drive me insane, I know there's a driving force that keeps me in one piece, the one that has been with me all this 25 years of existence in this Earth.

I've faced some things, some situations, some useless rage. Every day that goes away, is one day more I keep distancing myself from people, even the ones I am close to. It's scary sometimes, yet I know it's the path I have to follow, to walk and keep walking, no matter how miles long my road is, no matter how high the mountain I have to climb. I have this feeling I'll end up just like The Beatles' song "Fool on the Hill" says.

It's not negativity, it's just that more and more, I find difficult to connect with people. It's depressing.

Music is the thing that keeps me alive, still does. Gives me a reason to not give up my arms, gives me a reason to look the sun every time it goes up, and down... Gives me a reason to keep finding my own voice, 'cuz I feel voiceless... Gives me a reason to think, re-think, push myself through difficult times, to fall and once again rise... It's the only true thing I've found, and I hate it because music is surreal... you cannot touch a melody...

To live life, is not how much people you fuck, it's how many times you sit, and confront yourself.

I feel alive... but sometimes to feel alive, you've to realise there's death also...

I wish to share, but wishes are hopeless. And hope, in the end kills...

Spoken Word music and its effects on me...

2010-08-03T05:25:00.000-05:00

During my short 25 years of highs-and-lows existance, one of the main concerns this humble narrator of yours has is to continue exploring through music, through words, through syllables, through sounds I thought didn't exists, through images I've found sometimes unpleasant, through ideas I thought were crazy...

And here I am nowadays, still stretching the boundaries of my musical self...

Lately I've been fond of three particular things in music... Three particular things that are not usually "heard" or "noticed"... Being those three Spoken Word material, Ambient and Minimalist Music and John Coltrane's music.

Let's start with the Spoken Word thing...

To be honest I wasn't that familiar with the term Spoken Word 'till a few years ago, while a friend of mine showed me the works of a man who I've talked about in this blog before, named Henry Rollins. He took the Spoken Word art to levels of high instrospection, reflection and meditation. That's what it is to me, to say the least...

What this Spoken Word thing represents to me is something like a mantra. A mantra you keep hearing to be strong, over and over again, words resonating in your head no matter how troubled you feel.

And that's what happened in my case with Henry Rollins material. The first spoken word thing I heard of him was his famous "I know You", in which Rollins takes a deep breath and rides directly to the core of how people feel when being lonely. It's kind of odd, but we all somehow in our short lifetimes have felt like that too. Some more than others... but we all have felt lonely at any time of our lives.

It's easy to bash people, but it's hard to listen.

I think one of the first Spoken Word material were displayed in the movie "Taxi Driver" < Which I highly reccomend >

"Loneliness has followed me my whole life

Everywhere, in bars, cars,

sidewalks, stores, Everywhere...

There's no escape... I'm God's lonely man."

Being inspired by these two characters I am currently working on some Spoken Word material... because I think, I have a lot to say, against all the things I see which I really consider, are not going well later on this society.

http://goear.com/listen/bd5de0b/stereotypes-i-:-venus-reporter-from-oblivion

- Being for the sake of artistic expression, I hope no one scares of this performance -

We all have something to say, the thing is... we should let the words flow, like water...

Lifting Shadows of a Dream, once broken...

2010-06-20T22:29:00.000-05:00

And certainly, we all have to follow the light, even if we are not prepared for it...

Since I am not so good talking with people, I'll just, write down what I've been through, as I've been doing up to now... This is a journal, where I keep memories, and from time to time, I read these memories to remember how I felt in a particular moment of my short existance.

I'll ask a question. Open for whoever wants to answer it...

Do you know how does it feel the feeling of loss?

Out there, there must be millions of people who have lost someone, or something cherished. So cherished that it became part of our lives, So cherished that we thought it would last forever, So cherished that we took for granted the fact it will always be there... So cherished, but at the same time, so temporal...

Through my 25 years, I've met people who have gone through the loss process, people who have lost their parents, or their grandparents... Most of the time, Loss is an act of making the iron stronger, meaning by iron the people who went/will went through that loss...

Loss is not only what makes you a loser. Loss is, taking again my own words... Losing something or someone that somehow was a cherished part of your life.

In my own personal history, I've gone through loss since I remember. The loss of friends, the loss of feelings, the loss of one of my grandparents (My dad's mother), and the loss of pets.

The first time experiencing the loss of someone arrived when I was 6 years old. My mom's grandmother (That means, my great-grandmother) died at age 90. From all her great-grandsons, I was the closer one to her, I remember visiting my grandma's house and running directly to her after I saluted my grandma. I remember I cried an awful lot when it happened...

The second time I experienced loss happened when my first pets, a couple of parrots, died. My dad gave to me those parrots as a gift after he came back from one of his business trips, and I was so happy when I had those beautiful creatures in my hands. They were my first pets so why not?!

What happened to them... Well, one day one of the parrots (I think the female one) appeared very, very sick and soon afterwards, it just died. And weird enough (Later on I understood why it happened), the other parrot died a few days later.

Too much going on for a little kid like me, but no one choses the events that would happen in life.

The most dramatic loss scenarios happened when one of my aunts died, and when my grandma (My dad's mother) died.

When my auntie died, I felt so weird. I'll be very open and honest, somehow I thought it was "justice" being done... because her daughter, a person who I cannot stand that much nowadays, brought a heavy shadow over my family's life, and unfortunately she still does.

I feel so sorry, and embarrased for feeling that back then, how could a 9 year old feel that? I think I know the answer... the answer is the pain I was goin' through because of the reasons I'm calling now, but I really, really feel deeply sorry for feeling that. She was innocent.

My auntie, for the record, was an extremely beautiful person. She had gone through a turbulent lifetime but she always stood still, and that's why I admire her. And she loved me a lot, to the point we always went for a walk while I was just 5.

I know it's too late to say this, but I always keep her among my lifetime greatest memories. Memories full of joy.

I was way too little when my dear grandma died (I was 9 or 10) and, at the time I was kind of in the middle of a heavy endurance process... that sort of marked what kind of man was about to become later on. So, it kind of went unnoticed for me. However, what shocked me was my dad's reaction. He barely could talk the days after it happened. I silently observed him for days, weeks, months, it was very hard for him.

Later on, I realised I was just like him, when I went through the loss process early in my teens.

While I was 10, my mom, just like my father did, gave me a big joy. This is another memory I cherish and remember cheerfully... I remember I was doing homework, and looking for my lil' baby uncle, and the bell rang. While opening the door, a little white furry ball appeared and ran quickly and I was like "A puppy? Hey you must be lost!" After this happened, my mom told me it was a puppy our neighbor just sold her and she gave it to me as a gift.

It was so awesome... I had a dog! But, he became quite agressive later on, maybe because I was kind of hard with him sometimes... But still, I loved my pet.

One day, after coming back from some classes I attended in order to approve some Pre-High School tests, some weird things happened. Being the first one, my mother buying me some gifts, clothes, shoes, all of sudden. To be honest, my mom rarely gave me gifts in a regular basis, I was ok with it, it showed me to value another kind of things, and not only the material ones.

While arriving home, expecting my dog's greetings, I was told by my mom that my dog died in the morning, just after being dropped at school. The thing that happened was that a car hit my dog, because the dog stepped in the middle to save my dad's life. In the morning, I was told my dog was in the streets, I was told a fucking lie. And while I was told my dog just died, I was angry, so angry that I was mad at my dad for lying me, I honestly didn't care if he was alive or not. I know, how could a 10 year old kid feel like that?

I know not all kids are like me, and I say this not pretending to sound "special" because I am not.

The day after, my mom found out another dog for me, out of pity because she saw me very, very depressed (It was the first time I went through depression). But it wasn't the same. Although, I liked the dog, I named her Darkie, because it was a big black dog. Unfortunately, since she was very, very big, we couldn't have her on our house. So she was sent back to where my mom got her... Another loss, in less than a week.

On a Sunday, I was told by one of my sisters that I was gonna get a lil' dog. I was kind of skeptical, but while I went to the pet store to get the puppy, it was so funny, so weird, that the puppy kind of "convinced" me to take him home. What makes this story more weird is the fact that the pet store's vet told me that this particular puppy was kind of "agressive" towards people who wanted to pick him up, and it was the first time he behaved like that with someone.

So finallly, I went home with this weird little furry ball, and I named him just like the other pet. Klinton. But soon, I started to call him Clay, because he was white as sand.

Where am I going with this story?

Clay, the pet who went through hard times with me, just died. He was 14 years old. Just like my dad, I didn't want to talk, and I still don't want to talk...

He died just after I arrived from my music classes, and told him "Thanks for being with me in the hard times.."

I think he was waiting for me...

If there is an Afterlife, I'll see you there. If not, thanks for all the memories...

You will live forever on my thoughts, my dear friend...

In Loving Memory

1996 - 2010

Face 2 Face: Sir Elton John and Billy Joel

2010-06-13T12:30:00.001-05:00

When writting about music, sometimes I have to put in order my thoughts.

Why? Because there's so much goin' on while I think 'bout it, and all of sudden a cloud of words arise, all of them positive, specially when the post that is 'bout to be started, is about my favourite musicians, people who challenged the face of music in many, many ways.

In this particular case, we'll review the history of two piano players who made piano the main drive or their Rock And Roll. Two guys who share the same display of energy, raw emotion and determination to let us the listeners travel through their music, and learn something.

I'm talking 'bout Sir Elton John, and Mr. Billy Joel.

We all know both of 'em somehow. We know Elton because of songs like "Nikita", "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" or the majestic re-arrangement he made for Princess Diana's funeral "Goodbye England's Rose".

And we know Billy because of his two major hits, "Piano Man" and "Honesty".

But I'm telling you, these two gentlemen have more music to display and hear... I'll try to serve you people as a guide. Let's start with Sir Elton.

Sir Elton in the 70's, with his classic weird glasses.

Sir Elton was born long ago in England * I'm not gonna enter in specific details 'cause if you want so, go and visit the Wikipedia ;) * And, technically he has been involved with music his WHOLE life, starting to learn the piano at age 3 and then at age 11 he earned a music scolarship in the Royal Music Institute of London.

If you believed that "Prodigy Childs" in contemporary music were something exclusive of our Youtube times, where we just witness kids who play covers only, well, you might be wrong. Talent and Prodigy are characteristics that always have existed, and rarely go together... but in this particular case, they did!.

As soon as Sir Elton was becoming a young man entering adulthood, he was trying to find his place on music. At first, he auditioned for the almighty King Crimson * If you don't know them I strongly suggest you check them out * but, since his voice was in another kind of Rock shape, much less abrasive than the Crimson's jazz/rock driven music, he was rejected. But that didn't stopped Elton tryin' to find his way...

He finally had a chance when he met a fella called Bernie Taupin, who happened to be a lyricist who was trying to find a musician who could sing his lyrics. Elton was the right guy, at the right time, and the two of them became later on one of the most respected music partnerships, just like Lieber & Stoller.

* From Elton's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road Album *

The story of Billy Joel is kind of parallel to Elton's. But, Billy story is a little bit raw, and funny as well.

Billy in the 70's. He looks more Streets-Driven than Elton.

Billy, just like Elton, was raised in a musical environment. But, unlike Elton, he was forced to learn piano, 'cause his father was an accomplished classical music pianist. The funny thing is that, his former teacher, was a lady who also taught how to dance in ballet performances, and the kids in Billy's neighborhood bullied him 'cause they thought he was taking ballet lessons.

Because of that, Billy started to learn how to box, so he could defend himself. He eventually did, in fact.

The most fascinating thing in Billy's history is that, just like Elton's he met with rejection and very weird situations. I remember this particular story where, one of his girlfriends left him because he was without money, and a place to live, and the only thing he had was his music. According to Billy's words, that event almost led him to crazyness and left him bummed out - obviously -, but after that "Bad Experience", he created a song thousands of people world-wide would feel connected with: "Piano Man".

* From Billy Joel's "Piano Man" album *

So, what would happen if these two get together, you might be asking yourself!

Sheer Class. Picture from their "Face To Face" tour, 2009.

Well, let me answer you, it let us mere mortals to witness (with our own ears) one of the best pairings in contemporary music history. In 1998 Billy Joel and Elton John started to tour together in a series of concerts they call "Face 2 Face Tour". And why they call it that way? Because, the 2 of them perform facing each other on their pianos! And it's awesome. In fact, the tour is still going on, and, it's one of those things we have to witness before we die!

If you haven't listened to any Elton's or Billy's, you're missing something great.

My suggestions to get you started? Well, Elton's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" and Billy's "52nd Street".

Good Things Never Last...

2010-05-16T15:40:00.000-05:00

Rest in Peace, Ronnie. It was sad I never saw you onstage...

Man, thanks for your music, specially while on Sabbath.

The lost art of making great lyrics...

2010-04-27T16:04:00.001-05:00

When it comes to music, I feel like Roland Deschain, the lone Gunslinger character, from the Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series.

Only armed with two old Smith Wesson guns and with a crow as a companion...

Why I decided to put a picture of Roland as this post's main one?

Today I was talking with a good friend of mine who happens to be the bass player of my band (I cannot reveal details about it at the moment. What can I tell is that we would kick a lot of sleepy and artsy asses in my country, then South America, then the World, HA! - See, my ambitions are quite wild).

Anyway what we were talking, yeah. We were talking about the lost art of making lyrics. Like thousands of times before... ha! I admire this fella for having the patience to hear me discuss and give a million reasons why modern music and Indie rock suck! (In my own opinion, sorry if I offend anyone with it).

So lyrics...

I'm a guy who's into music for the music. Believe it or not, I'm eager to find if there's someone OUT THERE who still makes good music, I mean fellas who are contemporaries of my age... Except for a few exceptions (One of them Bat for Lashes) I always end up frustrated after my "Seeking" task, because it seems NO ONE wants to make good music anymore, and lyrics as well.

And I say this from the deepest end of my heart, it's quite sad!

- Once again I say, this is my point of view, if you think that modern rock music, is up to you. -

When someone mentions that X band or musician "rules so much", I always go skeptical. I mean, I go out, find the music and hear it and see if it's good or not for my ears. We all not have the same thoughts structure, after all, but there's one thing musicians seem to forget nowadays: MUSIC, or any art form have a deep message within.

My question, with capitol letters is :

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MESSAGE MUSICIANS ARE TRYING TO DELIVER NOWADAYS?"

Let me get started...

Let's start with someone who's a master of symbols in lyrics. A man called "Legend". That guy is Bob Dylan. Deeply influenced by beatnik writers such as Allen Ginsgberg, Bob had an amazing display of lyrics. All of them were either way too much straightforward, or way too much symbolic. He's considered a master among us musicians and fans worldwide.

Let's check one of his songs, called "The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll".

But you who philosophize disgrace and criticize all fears,
Take the rag away from your face.
Now ain't the time for your tears.

A song charged with a deep, social message...

Now, when I've been told there's many good new singer-songwriters, people have told me to listen this fella called Sufjan Stevens. I have no clue if he's related to the late-great Cat Stevens, but after what I've heard, it's just "happy chilly" music. I've got nothing against being happy by the way, but my point is, how can you be happy in a world that is somehow fucked up? To me is like, lying.

Once again, this is my personal opinion. And I'm sharing it to you...

Twenty-seven people, even more
They were boys with their cars, summer jobs
Oh my God

Seriously, man. I thought the idea behind this music was awesome but, honestly the lyrics (In paragraphs like the one I posted) and this fella's voice are way too "cheesy" and that's when I ask "Where's the catch, Lou?!"

I guess I'm getting old!

I'm not saying that lyrics have to be like a cryptic writing. All I say is "Have some real feeling in there!". Just now I'm talking with my friend again, and paraphrasing another friend's thoughts (He happens to be a writer, a really good one) I told him "Life ain't a happy journey, it's a rough trip where only the brave go along with it".

I see stability and calmness as trouble. I'm not a trouble maker or something, but I cannot stand the state of alienation that my young counterparts are going through their whole life!

Cat Stevens, one great musician I recently came across recently, kind of describes what we humans are going through our whole life, in a constant basis: Trouble.

Trouble

Oh trouble move from me

I have paid my debt

Now won't you leave me in my misery

That's what I call lyrics with feeling, with sense of reality, of present.

I found the other day that someone called James Blunt the Cat Stevens of our times. I laughed my ass off.

Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.

Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.

Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go.

C'mon? If your woman doesn't love you, then why the heck you sing it in a happy mood?!

This guy wishes he was Cat Stevens! I must admit though, his voice is quite similar. But that's it.

So far, new artists are ripping off, in a very terrible way the masters.

What 'bout the artists who use image as a device for the message? Let's say, Peter Gabriel while on Genesis, David Bowie while portraying Ziggy Stardust.

Let's pick David. While he performed as Ziggy Stardust, he embodied some kind of mesianic personna. A rock n' roll hero who came from another planet, with his band The Spiders from Mars. Damn, this is when David really started to cook! (I mean, when he started to rise and find his voice in music).

I think if it's possible to define the word "Imagination" with a person, that would be David Bowie.

Making love with his ego, Ziggy sucked up into his mind

Like a Lepper messiah... When the kids had killed the man...

I had to break up the band

Nasty song isn't it?!

I've been told countless of times that one of our current top artists, who runs by the name of Lady Gaga, is just as talented as Bowie, greatly influenced by Queen and Elton John.

With all due respect, I say: BULLSHIT.

I must admit she knows how to draw attention to her personna. And she does it in almost a natural way but, what's the message of her music? I don't see any. Just an ode of words to the disco life... Oh , "YAY".

In fact, I actually believe her music reflect the state of alienation and lack of focus of my generation with this statement: RAMARAMARAMARAMA...

And I say: BULLSHIT! I refuse to accept that, but that's just me, once again...

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah!

Roma Roma ahah ah!

Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!

Can you tell me WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! That's NOTHING!

And, That's called talent in this times, ladies and gentleman...

- I just remember I had a huge argument with a very beautiful lady I happened to like 'cause of this woman, boy some things never change... -

The lyric thing goes through all genres, in progressive rock, in metal, in grunge, in the "so called" modern rock & indie rock. I'll finish making an overview of these things...

In metal, back in the 1970's there were 2 pivotal bands that helped define the genre: Black Sabbath and Judas Priest.

Let's start with Sabbath. The idea behind the Sabbath lyrics, in both Ozzy and Dio periods of time, was to deliver the most darkest lyrics ever in music. The genius behind the lyrics was no one else than Mr. Geezer Butler, the bass player of Sabbath who also, came up with the band name.

Big black shape with eyes of fire

Telling people their desire

Satan's sitting there, he's smiling

Watches those flames get higher and higher...

Oh no, no, please God help me!

- Evil imagery turned into art. That's what I call classy!

Judas Priest, on the other hand, has a very wide range of lyrics, from the ones that are somehow introspective, and the ones that capture a concept, like their latest release, named "Nostradamus", honoring Michel de Nostradamus, the famous french clairvoyant.

Bringing the future, to all mankind

Guider of life, of death The sight of the blind

Rob Halford takes seriously the role of Michel de Nostradamus in this song.

Even in the 90's rock, with the arise of trash metal bands like Metallica, Pantera, Sepultura, and Slayer you could see how lyrics were developing, as it is supposed to be. Develop instead of going backwards! All of them, influenced in one way or another by these two seminal bands.

But, after the mid 90's, everything somehow ended abruptly, with the death of the late great grunge singer, Kurt Cobain. I see it somehow like a symbol, like the death of the great music... not because of him, but because after his death, bands that came up after his death (With notable exceptions such as Velvet Revolver), started goin' in the wrong direction. Just noise, endless showing off, and a bunch of pure shit.

Now, when you take modern metal bands, the first question that comes to my head is : WHERE'S THE BALLS!? < Quoting Mr. Henry Rollins here >

Why are these guys ripping off Tool ?!

Talking of Rip Offs, this one goes for all Mars Volta fans out there. I must admit, I liked their music long ago but, once I realised how much they ripped off King Crimson, man, what a deception. I guess it's sad to make a career ripping off someone else's. But anyway...

King Crimson, for God's sake if you haven't heard 'em, what the fuck are you waiting for?!

Death seed blind man's greed

Poets' starving children bleed

Nothing he's got he really needs

Twenty first century schizoid man.

- I guess Peter Sinfield, the Crimson's lyricist in this album, somehow was looking the future!

Now, any similarities of the previous track are bloody obvious. The sad thing is that Omar Rodríguez Lopez gets more kudos than Mr. Robert Fripp, the man who has been ripped off by this fella...

Anyway once again, I state this is my opinion. I have nothing against The Mars Volta, but I cannot stand the fact they've took King Crimson's place...

You locked the cuffs , Arsenic erupts

Will you drink the shadow , Of my red hair

My friends, my question is: When does art trascends the barrier between rebellion and pretentiousness... to the point it ridiculizes itself?

I'm sorry, but I happen to not like this thing... at all. And it saddens me that King Crimson remains unknown...

To finish this long post- I bet some of you would be like "Shit, this guy wrote a huge rant! - I'd like to discuss the lyrics in the so called indie rock.

When I listen the word "Indie Rock" I go like ... "Yeah, Right"...

I'm not a guy who's stuck with old school music but, what can you do when all the great music I happen to like was written long before I was born, or while I still was a kid? Anyway...

I have this motherfucking twisted thing. When someone mentions a band or some artist that "Rules" according to them, I just google the artist, find any song of the artist, and hear it. 99% of the times I ended up like "And this is what is called good?" Yes, I know it sounds so completely hard, but I cannot stand the fact that music, and lyrics have changed in a poor way, instead of going forward we're going backwards!

I mean, have you listened to Pink Floyd? To Neil Young? To Elton John?! To Leonard Cohen?! To Paul Mc. Cartney?! To John Lennon!? Shit, for me it's hard to believe that no one has a thing to say, just like these guys did in their time! They delivered their music with so much ellegance and in a very symbolic way, to me it's hard to believe we humans have run out of ideas for music!

Green is the colour of her kind

Quickness of the eye deceives the mind

Many is the bond between the hopeful and the damned

Well, all those people, they think they got it made

But I wouldn't buy, sell, borrow or trade

Anything I have to be like one of them.

I'd rather start all over again

- Clever words of Neil, I guess he was speaking for people out there who felt / feel just like the Gunslinger... -

What do I do to make you want me?

What I got to do to be heard?

What do I say when it's all over?

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

- You can tell, Sir Elton is a human being who has fully lived, loved, and like many of us men and women, had a breakdown sometimes. This is what I'm talking 'bout, communicate and relate with people. Is it so hard to do?! -

Take all these last three songs, and for a second, THINK for Christ sake, dear reader... what's wrong with our nowadays music. Have we accepted to live in a state of denial and comfort, and not being challenged by deep lyrics made by great musicians?

I don't like nowadays music at all... I guess I'm getting old...

The end of the road...

2010-04-23T15:53:00.000-05:00

Today, April 23, year 2010...

I oficially could say I'm outta college.

My thesis work is oficially accepted by the college scholars, so I f'cking did it...

No more money to waste, no more time spent on doing something I partially hate...

So,

Yeah I should be happy but, thousands of questions come up to my head... Being the first one "What the fuck am I gonna do now?", being the first and rational and inmediate almost robotic answer: "Continue in the path for being a musician, to keep following the impossible dream".

As the clock keeps ticking, I realise I'm getting older. I've let some very important things go through my life without any fanfare, and I've realised now that it was a big failure. Sometimes I do feel like a failure, and I try to keep this feelings to myself because, I don't want to bother no one else than me, and I don't want to feel no one's pity on my psyched situation.

I'm the worst enemy of my own self...

But anyway, I guess I should be happy. I actually am, since I'd not step into college that much, I'd be able to just, sit down and play that guitar some more, 'till I find some weird chord construction and make it talk.

Yeah, I've seen my future somehow...

Sitting on a room, like the ol' Robert Leroy Johnson, facing my guitar against the wall and playing some tunes... all on my own, no one around. It's hard being a dreamer sometimes, people gets tired of you quite easily, I don't blame 'em, I blame myself for being such a dreamer and an inocent bystander.

And if I'm good enough, I'll be playing around the world, with my band.

But would the dream overwhelm them fellas in my band? I hope not...

I hope they have the guts this needs. Being a musician is no easy task. It is only for the brave.

At least, the kind of musician I aspire and dream to be...

I already have abandoned myself into the unknown, I got sick of all the stability and the rules, of all what is morally correct and incorrect. I'm dwelving into the unknown, and I hope I keep going this way, because life's very short...

Music and solitude, my hard won allies. Faithful, and Patient.

Tired...

2010-04-11T02:51:00.000-05:00

So hi again, unknown reader.

- The song "Crucify the Dead hits in" -

I don't know if you're a man or a woman, a boy or a girl in his teens.

Whoever reads this, I hope I won't turn you down with my thoughts. This journal is a personal record for me to Time-Travel through words sometimes, when I got a glimpse of inspiration, melancholy and I don't know, all other feelings that make you realise you're alive.

So, yesterday...

Had quite a hard and loud day. Went outside, just walkin' with two great fellas through the streets tryin' to find some good rock n' roll shirts for an upcoming concert we're gonna attend soon. The day was a whole trip, as we found ourselves rolling like stones through the streets, and while rolling we just got caught by someone who was in need. Man, that shit was so fucked up, the poor fella was without no money, I was even able to read the words Desperation in his face. Plus, the man didn't speak our native language (spanish) so I guess, it was kind of a bliss to find 3 fellas who actually speak english kind of fluently.

So we helped the bro in need and there weren't 3, but 4 of us rolling (for a short amount of time). I hope the man reached his point in capitol city. I realised (silently) that sometimes, our human nature leads us to act in communion, in some kind of brotherhood. Even if we have no clue who the fuck are we talking to.

We continued rolling, reached the music store. Got a guitar for one of us 3 rollin' stones (Well, we're not that awesome like Mick or Keef) and just got our shit together, and hit back to the streets to go to the airport. We reach the airport, after that each one takes distinct trips to each one's houses.

Up to this point, all was really goddamn cool. Whenever it is something related with music, man, I'm in. I don't give a fuck if it's something fancy or something really simple, I just love music so much that I'm eager to help people in any way possible to understand, and appreciate it as it deserves.

Lyin' down in one of my place's bedrooms...

I literally am sleeping, and things started to get like motherf'ckin dark...

It's kind of funny, but when you put your expectations on something, or someone, or some event, it is kind of a huge probability that it will fail. Don't get me wrong... I am a PRO "Believe In Yourself" believer. But, when it comes to other people's involvement, I started to not trust everyone.

Why?

Recently I've realised that people I thought were my friends, my brothers, people I could rely on, weren't

They just lied. I know I'm not the first neither the last person who has been told lies by his "friends", though.

But man, that sucks!

My dreams in their eyes seem stupid. Whether or not, they're related with music. And it fuckin' saddens me, angers me and dissapoints me. A big FUCK YOU pops in my head when I realise this kind of "liars" were people I thought my friends. Sucks big time...

- Like Ozzy says: "I'm just a dreamer, who dreams of better days..."

I don't wish this happens to any of ya's out there, whoever reads this. I wish, on the other hand you run with better luck with me. Each time, and each day I realise I wasn't born to be the nice guy, no matter how many times I work or try to change the disfunctional aspects of my psyche, they just won't go... Honestly I wish you have a great friend, that you hang out with 'em as long as you live, that you have a boyfriend, a girlfriend, I don't know... someone who could tell you "I'm here buddy" in the motherfuckin' toughest time...

Me?

I don't know what will be of me, honestly.

When I pick up a guitar, all things change. It doesn't matter if it's a new or an old guitar, my energy, my will to live, is present in my body. Guitar and music have become a really pivotal and central part of my life these days, and each year I grow older, it becomes more important than the previous year.

Yesterday I told a friend this kind of prophetic line:

"I know it's a fight against the tide, but that doesn't mean I have to hide"

On the other hand...

Some things get really hard to handle as well. Just as you get older, there's pressure, the time ticks in your sleep, reminding you're not 18 anymore, that you've wasted too much time. I try to convince myself that it's never late to start something, to master something (I admit, it's something related with my "survivalism"). But all I see are empty walls, facing me in each direction I look. North, South, East and West. All walls, maybe in my head, maybe not.

It's so much to ask for some relief, for some light, for some unconditional love?

I am starting to believe it is...

All I got, is my guitar and my music... my only companions, my friends and enemies, the ones who have been there with me during the hardest years of my 25 of existance.

I want to go far away from all of this...

Far from this country, this continent.

And be alone within my thoughts... and forget everyone in this town.

- For sure, that doesn't mean I'll forget my family, and the few friends I've got. I'm just, tired... -

My playlist for the end of the world...

2010-03-03T13:07:00.000-05:00

"Come on Lu, it's time to beat your sorry ass..."

With all the earthquakes goin' on through our lil' blue planet, many of us, specially young people, are kind of "anxious" and "paranoid" because, we believe the world's coming to an end.

Thousands of weird stories have been made through the years in the past century, being the most remembered the one made up by Orson Wells, I'm not sure when the year was, but people freaked the hell out of 'emselves. I bet Orson had a big laugh while realising how naive we people could be.

The other one was when the Halley comet passed near the earth, in 1986. I can't certainly remember that because, I was a very little kid (I was just 2 years old), but what I have been told by both my mom and dad, is that many people were scared to death 'cause of this event. Some of these people even commited suicide.

With the arrival of the year 2000 many thought the world would end, and the same pattern repeated. People talking about the book of Revelations and the Apocalypse, people saying that world will finally had to pay for their sins, and stuff like that. And well, to be honest some weird things started developing since then.

Year 2006, same old story, same old song and dance. Many believed that the Antichrist would came and say "hi" to we earthlings and beat the shit out of us, on a very (and quite mystical) day: June 6, 2006. People assumed that, being June the sixth month of the year, being June 6 the sixth day of June, and being 2006 the six year of the new millenium, that would happen because somehow, the number 666 was present.

Last year, some of us, thanks to this weird little thing called internet, went to browse a lot of information 'bout the so-called "End of the World", being the ultimate news that the world would end in Year 2012. And, to make things more complicated, there was even a movie about that event. Once again, the "Orson Wells" kind of thing repeats again, even in this "modern days".

Later on this months, there have been some earthquakes around the world, and the "End of the World" effect rise once again.

- By the way, I sincerely hope all the people affected by these earth-shakin' thing, recover soon from any lost they have suffered. All the best for the chilean, japanese and haitian people out there. -

I understand, or I think I do, people being worried 'bout this. But unfortunately, there's nothing you can do against nature responses towards man's abuse. (That's the way I see it, and maybe I'm completely wrong).

Instead of getting on my nerves paranoid, without sleep, worrying that maybe I would not be able to do the things I wished, I decided to come up with a playlist of music I'd like to hear if the world comes to an end, or if Satan comes over to kick our human's asses, or if a meteorite fries the whole planet.

Whatever the way of world-ending, this is my playlist.

In case of meteorites: Echo and the Bunnymen, "Ocean Rain" album.

In case of Devil's visit: Black Sabbath "Master of Reality" album.

In case of Earthquakes breaking the world in 2: King Crimson "Red"

In case the three of them happen, the thing changes.
Track 1: "The Killing Moon" by Echo and the Bunnymen
Track 2: "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead
Track 3: "The Gates of Babylon" by Rainbow
Track 4: "Heaven and Hell" by Black Sabbath
Track 5: "Orion" by Metallica
Track 6: "Follow the Tears" by Heaven and Hell
Track 7: "Something in the way" by Nirvana
Track 8: "Whale and Wasp" by Alice in Chains
Track 9: "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden
Track 10: "Starless" by King Crimson
Track 11: "A saucerful of Secrets" by Pink Floyd.

- By the time track 10 ends, I maybe would be dead. If I am still alive, then I'd shuffle the playlist.

Anyway, in other words I don't worry if the world comes to an end, sure I'll be scared like a motherfucker, but I'll see the destruction sequence in first row. And die with honor if that's the case.

Walkin' like a ghost ...

2010-02-27T01:20:00.007-05:00

While I was 19, I thought I would be able to conquer the world.
Now that I'm 25, I think that I should walk through the world.

I'm not precisely a man well versed on the art of being humble. The "Ego Problem" is one of my major traits when it comes down to my psyche structure, and to be honest, I don't give a fuck 'bout that. (un)Fortunately, as far as I'm concerned, those kind of things make each person a complete diferent universe.

I've seen in front of me happen a lot of things lately. A week ago I spent 4 days at my grandma's house, I forgot how peaceful this place was. I moved in this place for this period of time 'cause my grandpa had to solve some things with his brother who's pretty fucked up now, all sick and stuff.

I had the most amazing and weirdest time of my life in company of my grandma. I had to do things I have never done in my short existance, let me tell you why.

My lovely grandmother is a 82 years old lady, and her name's Maria. As you can imagine, an 82 yr' older moves really, really in slow motion, and technically is like we humans kind of "remember" the days we used to try to walk while we're just kids. Some people said that being in the elderly age is kind of like being a kid again, I agree on some extent, the difference is, these are "kids with experience and lots of memories".

So anyway, due to this reasons I had to do the following:

- Being a Cook and have some good dinner ready at 12h00 P.M and then at 18h00 P.M
- Being a Grandson on charge with pills and stuff prescribed by her doctor.
- Be the man of the house and take care of any strange situation goin' around
- Wake up early to get fresh bread, 7 A.M to be exact.
- Go to buy food and all other sorts

The thing is I had to be disciplined in order to make life pretty easy for both my grandma and me, in the end things went really cool, and we had some really good conversations, funny ones, serious ones, and polithical ones. I forgot how much of a talkative person she is, but it was fine for me.

Actually, it was a humbling, and somehow an inspiring experience.

Humbling because I had to forget, for a while, my own personal bullshit, negativity, problems, and be the best grandson I could for my grandma, to have a good time no matter how fucked up things were at the moment, to have a good time no matter how fucked up the thesis work is (Thankfully, the thing is going really well)...

And most important of all, because I had to keep my word of taking care of her.

It's kinda funny how my mom said she missed me, 'cause that's what happens when you leave your environment for another completely different. She even cried on the phone, but I understood it was a way of her saying to me she was like, missing my crazyness 'round the house. I know better, I'm the youngest at my house, I'm the one always yelling weird things, singing like a deaf beast, the one who hears the music in a God-Forbids loud, way loud, level.

I guess the quietness after I left was quite unbearable for her...

At nights, I felt like a ghost, the keeper of the house. Usually I always left my grandmother while she was sleepy, closed the door and went to the room I was in, read a bit of Miles Davis autobiography, then heard some music, then think some stuff, like I always do, and then sleeping.

I can tell you, after I came back from my grandma's house, I found myself more vulnerable, in contact with myself, with my eyes and with my thoughts.

Since that day, yeah I've seen beauty, but it just passed away from me, like ignoring me, but maybe I was ignoring her. I don't know, but now I can tell it's possible to handle this kind of thing. Let's say, that I've become more human...

I even stopped to argue about the music I don't like at all. Winds of Change? maybe...

Maybe it was necessary to stay away from what I'm used to.

While I was 19, I thought I would be able to conquer the world.
Now that I'm 25, I think that I should walk through the world.

I am a Ghost... in the world of the living.

Motherfuckin' cosmic day

2010-02-13T08:24:00.007-05:00

I'll not write no shit 'bout February 14.

Wanna know why? I hate that day, 'cause somehow, and thanks to a philosopher kind of fella, I realised that is a cruel day, specially towards people who's alone and with no kind of relationship with someone, male or female.

- Maybe I'm being too rude, but that's how I see this damn day. I'm sorry if that's not the way for you, I don't want to offend nobody... -

Anyway, I'm gonna talk about February 13!

Man, what a fucking awesome day, well... it is awesome if you're into rock music like I am... wanna know why?

40 Years Ago, Black Sabbath released their first album, and changed music history for GOOD, and later on became the most influential band for musicians to come, and it's still influential even in this modern days... Sure, why wouldn't they be!?

49 Years Ago, Henry Rollins, former frontman of the legendary Black Flag was born... He was 9 when Sabbath's 1st album was released, What a Birthday Gift! :) ...

60 Years Ago, Peter Gabriel, former frontman of the band Genesis (I'm not much a fan of 'em actually, I prefer Peter's solo work...) was born.

Now, talk 'bout a cosmic motherfuckin' day?!

In a way, the devil riffage, the intensity, and the spiritualism in music were born in this day...

For sure, I have no clue how, but I'm gonna celebrate.

Fuck Valentine's day, I stick to my heroes day! :D

More (Minus) Human

2010-02-12T07:03:00.005-05:00

The week is over and the month continues moving on. As I thought, this week was somehow kind of weird, 'cause the carnival is 'bout to start, and people is going nuts already wondering where would they be this year, due to not breaking the tradition of going away while we have this holiday time.

Personally I have to deal with some things, first of all the thesis thing, 'cause I have to re-think of the approach I'm giving to it, got word from a friend of mine who's working with me on it that one of our college teachers said some bullshit 'bout it, and we came to the conclusion that the guy just don't like our work or the thing we're trying to work on... And, somehow I've got this weird feeling that this fella's gonna be on the thesis judges, so gotta re-think and re-re-think it, all of that in less than 2 months.

Life's really a motherfucker, just like people. But it's ok, I'm fine with it.

There's also the music thing, yesterday had a great guitar class and, as usual I came back home feeling like I learned something else that I had no clue before. At the same time, I realised how wrong I was on my approach on some things, music learning is actually a really humbling experience, where you realise that once you start on it, there will be always a long path to walk through.

I feel really happy 'cause of it, actually.

Actually, whatever the thing you love, it should be that way, being always fascinated, just like 2 lovers who just got into a relationship.

In music, and with the instrument I play, I always feel fascinated when learning a new chord, a new voicing, a new lil' concept... I guess that's why I wanna play as many instruments I can, being the next one to learn the piano. Damn, I love the sound of them white and black keys...

As usual, when being surrounded with music, I feel great. I feel no anxiety, no obscure clouds, no bullshit. When I'm without music, I feel sick, almost like dying. It's very weird but that's how I feel it...

So anyway, for those of you who're having fun in this holidays, I sincerely hope you do have fun, and for those of you who're staying at home, well, I sincerely hope you do have fun too.

I'll stay in the city, takin' care of my grandma 'cause my grandpa's gonna visit his family, and 'till he's back I gotta take care of her, and in the meantime I'll play some of my guitar things, I hope I won't bother her :)

Rain...

2010-02-11T07:37:00.003-05:00

One of the most fascinating things in nature is rain...

While it rains, usually something happens with either, nature or, with us.

When raining, all the animals that usually are outside, gather inside and try to find a warm place until the rain is gone.

When winter time starts, and rains start (at least here in this side of the globe), crickets come outside, and become the living nightmare of some people (specially females and a very few males), this also means that, they start to find a couple to reproduce, that's why you hear those weird kind of high pitched noises coming out from nowhere...

In people it's more weird... (And we think we're normal, yeah right)

I've come up with a theory, once again...

People who like rain, are either, in love or people who is always hippety hoppet. What I mean is that they're full of energy and the "Always Smiling" kind of people...

Why ? Well, if you've been outside when it's raining, no matter if in company or alone, while rain starts, as I told earlier, we (like any animal) find either a place to hide, or try to run away from it.

And, if you look closer to the people near you, you'd realise that the ones who're actually couples (Whatever kind of), start to hug each other and smile. Or, try to experience the "Kiss under the rain" situation. That's kinda cool...

In my personal experience, most of my friends who happen to like rain are people to happen to be either in love, or have this "smiley" state of mind.

Rain could mean catastrophe for some of our fellow humans, 'cause they live in dangerous places where the rivers usually flood, and destroy everything...

It's the same for people...

Some of us, while it rains start to feel really, really down. This is the other side of the coin, where people who's lo-energy-driven starts to feel lonely, start to be introspective, and go into their bedrooms, lock it down and just sleep, sleep, sleep.

I'm one of those people. When it rains, I happen to feel like that, and usually I even don't look at my guitar, 'cause I don't feel like doing it, I just stay, listening some slow motioned music, and start to think 'bout things that I shouldn't think, like the famous "Why am I here?", "What should I do with myself?".

Rain usually is the perfect time when I face myself...

Last year, there was this heavy rain going on in my city, and for some weird reason, I went to the roof of my house, just with a couple boxers on, and stood still for an hour. What I realised is that, while you're half naked and under a heavy rain, you can't bullshit yourself, you can't tell yourself the famous "Everything's gonna be allright" (I am starting to hate that sentence)... you can't tell no lie to yourself.

It was a great moment...

If you're someone who doesn't fear facing yourself, do it.

There's nothing like being almost one with nature...

Listen, it's the best gift you could give to someone...

2010-02-10T05:25:00.006-05:00

Last day I was practicing some guitar excercises on my guitar, all through the neck, in the key of C major, and all of sudden someone rang the bell outside my house. It was this old, very old lady who happens to be a friend of my mother, and happens also to know me since I was a very, little baby.

As many of you know, I'm 25 right now, for those of you who have seen me (either through photos or in person) know that I am quite bigger than I used to be, because I'm lifting weights, and since I'm a tall fella, now I seem like a giant!

Anyway, the joy in the lady's face when she saw me was really genuine. I mean, she knows me since I was a lil' kid, and now I'm almost a grown up adult, and told me she was glad to see me healthy and strong. So I saluted her, she saluted my mom, started talking with her and I went back to my guitar excercises and sit, being left with these thoughts I'm sharing right now.

When having this kind of situations, we have the chance to reflect. I'm not saying to look on the past, but to reflect what we have done, what are we doing, and what we're going to do. It's very common, that one day you're sitting somewhere in your house, or you're in the bus, whatever the place, and then someone calls you (or text messages you, I'm aware of the times we live in) saying that they need to talk to you.

What do we usually do? Have we thought "Let's treat the others the way we would want to be treated"?. Have we thought "Oh man, here's this fella again"?. Have we thought in the smallest, chance that with just listening, someone would be released, or would feel better?

Having a good pair of ears, and a double pair of eyes ('cause I use lenses), I was aware of the situation going on with the ol' lady and my mom. They were talking, but the ol' lady was the one leading the conversation, she was asking my mother a ton of questions, but at the same time I could tell she was feeling sort of in company.

I might be wrong, but every time I've seen this ma'am on my house, she leaves with a big smile in her face. Sometimes my mom says "Tell her I'm not here" but, as fucked up as I am, I tell the lady nothing, 'cause I am aware that sometimes we people need company, in the shape of conversation. Specially if you're someone who lives alone.

We all deserve to be heard. I mean, if guys like thieves, narcos, and serial killers ARE heard, why the rest of people couldn't? Is there a difference between a priest and a thief? Is there a difference between a rich and a poor man? No, there isn't.

While being in the kind of situations where people asked me to go and listen to them, I usually do. Sometimes I am so pathetically humanitarian, that even if I'm really fucked up in the head and angry or, depressed, I try to put aside my personal bullshit to give some kind of relief for whoever asks me to do so.

Personally, while I have something that bothers me, or troubles me, I don't like to go out and call someone to talk. I used to do such thing before, but nowadays I'm aware that people run through their lives, instead of walking, and I don't wanna bother no one with my thoughts of anger, solitude and despair. And there's plenty of them, so that's why I decided to write 'em down, in the shape of words.

Let's be honest, there's nothing like being heard. There's a difference between being surrounded in a sea of letters and being surrounded in a hug, or shared tears.

There's also something special, almost magical, when you start to talk within yourself, within words that are coming out of your head, within musical notes being played and heard by your ears... To me that's what works...

But once again, there's nothing like human warmth, a sincere look in the eyes...

If you run with the luck of being surrounded by people who loves you, listen to them. I guarantee you, they'll be your support while being old, and you'll not live alone in your later adulthood.

If you're like me... I hope you could change.

I lit the candle of my thoughts with fury...

2010-02-07T22:23:00.004-05:00

After a few days of finally, sort of coming back to earth realising I already finished college, feelin' with a weight being throwed away from my back, ideas and thoughts started to come into my head in a very unconventional rate...

You see, at the time I'm writting this, I'm a 25 year old man, with no experience in many, many fields of life (women and physical intercourse included), having the same eyes, the same ideals, and the same aspirations, being the final end becoming a professional musician, tour around the world, and if possible (and if my head is able to work towards that way), have a family.

I'm going to be brutally honest, and if you like it, good. If you don't, good.

At this moment, year 2010, it's been 8 years since I decided to be a musician. Like any inmature young man, my initial reasons for being a musician where the ladies, the fame and the fortune. But as I grew up older, I realised that any kind of art, true art at least, is separated from those things. I mean, great if you could make a living through it, great if you're wealthy, but the thing is, whatever kind of art form you're in, comes first.

At this moment I have that focus, that mindest on my head. Art is just something so pure, that nothing as banal and futile as those things (Fame, fortune and ladies) have to be the reasons I am in it. The reasons for being an artist, whether you're a musician, painter, photographer or something, is to express yourself, whatever the way you choose, as long as you feel you should do things the way you choose...

When I create a piece of music, a riff, or when I'm practicing some kind of scale, I am totally aware that I am becoming one with the instrument I play (guitar), and the art I love (music). Also, I'm relieving myself from some dark thoughts I constantly have, like dissapearing, sadness, weakness, loneliness and even suicide sometimes.

Many of you will be wondering (The ones who know me, and why not the ones who don't also) "Why the hell is this guy writing this?"...

I have a theory...

All diseases, whereas they're psychological or physical, are connected. Thankfully I am not a disabled guy, I have a complete body, my pair set of arms and legs are fine, my eyes well, they need some aid of course, but overall I'm fine.

Mentally? Well, I am not sure, but I am kind of a "socially disabled" fella, meaning that I have the ability of not talking to people at all, specially women. I don't feel scared, it happens that when I come across with some words, I am either misunderstood, or I am not listened. It's not people's fault, I know, right now we live in a very fast era, and our attention span has decreased a lot.

Sometimes, I have felt so frustrated, and that's why the suicidal solution comes in.

Suicide to me would be the same kind of "quick" solution or "fix" we people find in our most difficult times, either while we're through a financial crysis, or a sentimental crysis, or a mental crysis.

The "quick" solutions I'm talking 'bout are drugs, alcohol, and compulsive sex(I am sure most of you will laugh at me, if so I encourage you to do so). Unfortunatelly, we humans are so weak that we let this solutions to become the reasons we live, and that's when addictions come in also.

So instead of turning my sadness and despair into suicide... I decided to turn 'em thoughts into fury... into anger, into screams, into sounds that are so agressive that are saving my troubled soul... And it works.

Lit your candles too, people... Get rid of depression and embrace yourselves.

Hatred is pure as sunshine. - Henry Rollins -

Time to keep walkin' ...

2010-02-04T00:08:00.003-05:00

After 7 years of being studying in college, today was my last day in college.

Feelings coming up? Well, I'm at this moment saying to myself that I'm gonna miss some people, that I'm definitely happy to not seein' again some others, but over all, that I proved myself I could do things, no matter how hard they seem to be.

The other day I was telling to a friend, that I almost threw the towel. It was 2007, things weren't that good for me back then, I had a lot of problems and thoughts flyin' like albatross, and they were quite hard to face. Plus, I had this weird idea of gettin' into a music college, and leave the college life.

Somehow (For Good or For Bad), my ol' sister (who's my niece's mother) told me to carry on 'till I finished, 'cause I was so damn close of being out of college. I also felt kinda weird 'cause a friend I really appreciate was 'bout to finish college, just as I am doing now. Things were heavy 'cause back then I didn't have too much friends, I don't have too many now but, I managed to know people from other courses who are younger than me.

There were though times, yeah, like when I had to repeat my Math courses for some "changes" the people in the director's board had made, times when I was told in my face I was worthless, that I was hopeless, but, there were also great times like when this particular teacher gave me hopes and helped me to uncover this "Do it or Die" attitude I have nowadays... there are plenty of memories, I will not say college was a bitter thing, but I'd not say also that it was the greatest moment in my life.

Through the years I had some great teachers, some others I didn't listen to at all, and some others that tried to make things miserable (Maybe I'm wrong) but, with the help of music, friends, and teachers who encouraged not only me but also my fellow classmates, we sure wouldn't be the place we are now: Finishing (College wise)

Should I say I regret the decision of finishing College? To be honest, not at all.

Sure, there are things you learn in the street, but there are some things that you learn in college, through research, through questions, through experiences, through trial and error. Most of us know those things, most of us don't. Most of us went to find their lovers in the classrooms, most of us don't.

(And well, for you who read the story of the college girl I liked, it didn't worked. Somehow I realised that she wasn't gonna be my girl...)

To be honest, I felt that I left some things undone, I felt that my freedom is now a fact, I felt that it's time to find my way through music. Maybe I'm about to start this wonderful and terrifying ride of doing what I feel I should do.

But that's what life's all about...

Nothing and No-One's gonna stop me now...

Life is a mistery, better it is that way...

Women : Inspiration for music?

2010-02-02T00:24:00.005-05:00

Right now, I'm hearing some ol' delta Blues music, rangin' from Robert Johnson, Skip James and Son House. And, it's kinda funny, days ago I started to see a kind of pattern that repeated constantly in every form of music, no matter what genre it is.

Delta Blues musicians, back in the 1920's, had to face some difficulties. Well, to be honest, any black men or women had to, 'cause at the time, the racial conflicts between them whites and blacks was quite fucked up, and hard. Those were times were the black people survived by getting their communities stronger, and at the same time, getting their arts refined, both blues and jazz in the end became the most influential music forms for the new genres to come up until now.

The same way they had to deal with some difficulties, they have to deal with women. Not trying to sound stupid, but it's no secret that sometimes, people do whatever it takes to get to the top, no matter if it's man or woman. Usually we say that women are the ones who suffer the bad traits of some motherfucker who has his head full of shit, but to be honest, it happens the other way also.

We ain't no saints.

Blues musicians know it well, specially the ones who played the Delta Blues, the one with the acoustic guitars and the slide sounds, the ones that could make you shiver the whole night... They know it better, either because they were street smarties, or either because they have seen so many things going 'round 'em so they got that knowledge.

So anyway, listening some of the songs of these three great bluesmen, I came across with interesting stuff. Let's start with Robert Johnson, my favourite bluesman. If you have ever heard Robert Johnson's "Complete Recordings", there's at least a couple o' songs that make references to both the devil, and feeling bad because a woman put a good man's reputation down.

"The Blue light was my blues, and the Red Light was my mind"

- Robert Johnson's Love in Vain. A possible reference for breaking up or feeling abruptly turned down by some gal you liked ? It's up to the listener... -

In "Sessions for Robert Johnson", Eric Clapton, when asked 'bout if whether or not, Robert had made a deal with the devil (Because of an explicit reference in the "Me and the Devil Blues"), he jokingly says "Maybe he was talking 'bout his girlfriend".

It could be true, that's Eric's interpretation and to be honest it kinda makes sense.

"Early this morning, when you knocked up on my door...
And I said Hello Satan, I believe it's time to go..."

Skip James' Approach is way more direct. In one of his songs he states the following "I'd rather be the devil, than be that woman man". I mean, how much hurt would Skip have felt to write such a line? I know the blues is not only an expression of pain, but also an spiritual kind of thing (Even while people thought it was sinful).

But in Skip James' song, you could hear a man angry and at the same time, feeling somehow deceived by the woman he probably loved at first. The Devil he talks in his song "Devil got my woman" could be, either a reference to a devil possesing her loved's soul, or a reference to some guy who got the interest of the woman he loved. So, instead of being him, he chooses to be the "Devil".

" Woman I loved, took her from my best friend ...
But he got lucky, stoled her back again "

Son House, said once that "Blues ain't nothing but about two people in love". To most of you fellas who will be reading this blog, Son House was married 5 times, so he know what he was talking 'bout. He also said "There's always 2 people in love, but sometimes, we men love a woman who doesn't love us back. And that's where the blues comes from also."

"You know, it's hard to love someone that don't love you ...
Ain't no satisfaction, don't care what in the world you do ... "

In modern music, clear examples of how women mess up with some men minds are present in the works of Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails, and Kurt Cobain of Nirvana. Like the ol' school bluesmen, they had lots of things to say. But the difference, basically was that the bluesmen were somehow melancholic, in the way they delivered their message of sadness. Modern musicians, specially rock fellas like Trent and Kurt, they used an abrassive sound to drive those energies out their bodies, to set somehow themselves free, and to set free the people who listened their music.

"She has the blood of a reptile, just underneath the skin"

"Come, as you are... as you were, as I want you to be..."

Music inspired by women is not only the romantic-kinda thing that you learn in the guitar to get laid, it's not only "nice". It's also angry, so angry that the one you love became someone you hate, or forget.

But, either way, they do inspire us musicians. I guess I'll have to say thanks.

What do you expect from Life?

2010-01-27T15:45:00.003-05:00

An open question for anyone who reads this...

In other words: Do you have any life dreams!?

Well, mine are pretty simple...

1. Meet and Greet all of my musical heroes. Well, at least the ones that are alive anyway...

2. Be the best guitar player I could be. Not meaning I will become the best of the world, no way... I used to think I could do such thing but later I realised that music ain't a competition, but a collaborative and learning process.

3. In the process of becoming the best guitar player I could be, find my own voicing, even if it means tuning (or better said, screwing) my guitar in other tunnings, to find a way to expand the language of guitar and create one that's totally mine.

4. To have a functional band that could make it in the great leagues in music.

5. To leave my homeland of Ecuador, and rewrite my own personal history.

6. To see my favourite bands play in concert... King Crimson, Black Sabbath, Radiohead, Tool, and a lot more :)

7. Understand more the human nature, specially the female nature... 'cause to me it remains a mistery.

8. As of females, to find this woman who could accept the goods and the bads and the neurotical things (specially because of music) in me. Or at least, meet some that could handle the way I look things, in constant crescendo maestoso - Or simply put, in an intense way -.

9. The most important, to make a living through what I love the most, Music.

10. To never give up on my dreams in the name of stability.

If there's anyone who read this, no matter if you're man or woman, think 'bout this (and answer here if you feel to do so)... What do you expect from life?

A prayer without a God... (To hear or read it)

2010-01-25T22:36:00.004-05:00

Save me, lord of the skies...
This human soul can't take this anymore
Save me, lord of the skies...
The devil is destroying all my hopes

I wouldn't pray in a loud voice
Exhausted and beaten I feel
Words from friends and strangers don't seem to help
And the woman I love hates me.

The blues I feel, I wish you could heal
I know it ain't nothing compared to a mortal disease
I know it ain't nothing compared to your dying son's agony
Yeah, he told me to carry a cross as he did
But he cheated death, for me that's an unknown trick.

I've met death face to face before,
First time I did, the day I was born
Doctors said I'd come to the world dead,
But I cheated death too, and I breathed fresh air

It's been 25 years since that day
And up to now, the only feelings I know are anger and pain
Yeah, I'm loved by my family and friends
But the woman I love, keeps going away

Hear me Lord, spare some mercy on me...
If I sinned in the past, please set me free...
But if this is the destiny I hand-made by myself...
Then please, make your son stronger...
Let me enjoy the things I could not...

I hope my words reach you.

The beast in me, in you, in all of us...

2010-01-10T01:29:00.003-05:00

It's somewhat Odd. Almost like a year ago I started this blog as a "music only" blog, and well yeah, I've shared some of my thoughts on the music I love (And I'm missing a lot of musicians and bands I deeply admire), but in time, the blog has became some sort of window to look at, a door which opens to let all my personal troubles go away in the shape of words...

I know bloggers expect to be read. Personally, I don't expect to be read, but if someone does and some sort of message gets through the words I'm typing out of my mind well, thanks.

I just felt the need to write right now, since I've been feeling deeply angry, and at the same time down. In contrast to how I felt before (down all the time) this isn't a good mix, to me at least... but anyway, it depends how you control the feelings of construction and destruction which are gathered in your head...

At this moment I should be doing my thesis document, but what the heck. I don't feel inspired at all to write something academic.

Let's say that I write a letter... but this letter has no receiver. Maybe it's you, or maybe it's me who read this... And I'm sorry if I write some harsh words... It's part of the beast I am...

Dear receiver...

More than ever I feel the need to get away from everything and everyone. More than ever I understand myself and my role in this world... More than ever I understand less the human race... More than ever I feel sorry, and at the same time... angry for the beast I discovered I have become through all this years of constant motion, fear, excesive vitality and passiveness.

Sometimes I feel confused, sometimes I feel like the inventor of the wheel. Through characters in front of my screen I've read an impressive ammount of things, where the most noticeable were unfortunately, lies. Lies that I seemed to follow as well, as part of the whole I am part of. And how ironic, I don't like lies...

Can I ask you something? (I hope you don't get offended thou...)

Have you ever felt so fucking stupid that you really, wished to not wake up in the next morning, to see again your face in the mirror? Have you ever felt so fucking angry with yourself for losing a significant chance of making your life less miserable, less boring, whatever you wanna call it... ?

In other words, have you ever felt so fucking angry with yourself because you finally noticed, after years of being clouded with a "truth", that you and yourself only, were the root of all evil and the bad things that happened to you.

How I wish reality was another, another like in the dreams I have, another like in the dreams I am walking free in the woods uncovering the veil from the girl I loved once... Another like in the dreams I am together with the girl I deeply like nowadays... in a dark room just the two of us. But the reality I seem to witness, every day, every night, every dawn and every sunset... is the end of the world as I know it, apocalyptic blasts of me fighting my demons, every day, everywhere...

But it isn't... And I deeply wish to change the parts of my mechanical mind that are wrong... seriously and honestly, but I have learned recently that, rather than changing things, I should accept them as they come, that's where freedom lies in.

What is stranger enough, is that behind this shelter of madness, psychosis and egocentrism, there is someone who realised the fragility of nature, the innocence of a baby, the loyalty of animals... the freedom a single musical note could give to a tortured soul just like mine...

I became an uncle last year. It feels really strange, I know I'm still 25, but on the other hand I feel that I should take care of that innocent creature that is part of my family at this moment. Egos and all my problems go away when I'm with her, just listening to the music I like... I totally forget how miserable I feel, how down I feel, how I feel 'cause the girl I like seems unreachable even though I know I have the guts to go straight to her and take no prisoners. Everything just fades away when I'm with my lil' baby niece...

All of sudden, yesterday... No, my troubles didn't seem so far away as Paul says. They are still there... Damn, now I have this odd feeling of wanting to rip my eyes off just to not see this woman I like... I sincerely like her... When I see her it's like ... hearing the best song you could imagine.

What is odd is that yesterday, while I was talkin' with a friend 'bout songs that I really am into, I started to play the song "Where Did you Sleep last Night" - Nirvana's rendition of Leadbelly's - and, the girl appeared, and left. All of sudden, while the song was 'bout to end, the girl appeared, and left.

My girl... My girl... where will you go?
I'm going... where the cold... wind blows...

And sometimes I remember how I met her... It seems like yesterday, but it was in August...

When will I see you, again?

2009

2010-01-01T16:32:00.003-05:00

So, 2010... is already here.

Taking the inspiration from the News Section, I'd like to say some things 'bout 2009...both the good and the bad ones that have happened so far to your humble narrator. 2009 represented quite a challenge.

- STATE OF NOTICE. All the good and the bad things that happened, have only one direct responsable... and ladies and gentleman that's me. In order to learn to be more humble I have to accept the things I have to face. -

Every new year is a challenge, but 2009 to me was the ultimate one, for some reasons.

2009 was the year that I turned 25. Yes, 25 years old... and I must say, I felt scarified the day I had my 25th birthday, for reasons only known by my closer friends... I still am scarified, but this year I've have to have the guts to face myself and my demons...

It was the year I had to face some things, like the fact that it was going to be my last year in college. Not that it is a bad thing (In fact I find it pretty cool)... but the thesis time was 'bout to arrive.

It was the year that gave me the chance to work for the first time (well, unpaid but so what, I learned a lot from the experience)... and know that as soon as you're a newbie, and young, some people would try to fuck you up :), thankfully I was born with the eye of the tiger, for good or for bad :D.

I could say I met some great people there, and they sure have a place in my thoughts. Seriously, I hope to get to work there, but this time being paid :)...

This year I also forged some new friendships. Really good ones, I must say... and those would end up being in co-working in my final thesis work. And by the same chance, this friendship also brought the chance to perform for the first time my music, and that's quite something... :)

Speaking of people, I've met some good-lookin' ladies, and under funny circumstances. One of them worked in the same place I was, and the funny thing is that, she introduced herself, while I was like "Damn did this happened?". Yeah, some of you would be laughin' your asses off, so do I rite now! She happened to be older than me, but boy... what a woman... :)

Another lady I met ... well I was away to send some stuff to my friend who lives in California. I have this weird thing of looking everything in every place I step in, I don't know, maybe it's my ego or something, but well I was lookin' and OH MY GOD, there was this good lookin' lady attending one of the counters. Usually I'd just stared her, and that's all but, I had the guts to go right to her counter, talk to her and introduce myself. She happened to be in the same college I am, and well... I'd like to say the rest is history but unfortunately I couldn't!

This year, just got some pretty cool gifts. I'm not much a "material centered" person, but I must say that 'cause of thes particular gifts, I've got more ways to do my stuff, whereas it is my art (of making music, and writing as well), and powerful devices to experience what I always wanted as a kid, to play some top video games in a row... I know it sounds childish, yeah it is! I'm talking 'bout my 12 strings Takamine guitar, which was a gift from my mother, and my Toshiba laptop, customized to be a game machine :). Yes, there's a kid inside this man ;)

Last year I proved myself some things, that I have guts and I could do things while I really focus into doing so... and that I have some serious inner problems too, but anyway, among the good and the bad things, 2009 is history.

All I could say now, is welcome 2010. It's time to enjoy the ride.

I hope you enjoy the ride as well...

Be Thankful... for what you've got.

2009-12-06T18:09:00.002-05:00

So far, we're in the last month of this year. My home is a frenzy right now, you know, it seems like "Father Christmas" just threw up over my house, hundreds of dollars invested by my mother in her christmas things, it's so damn odd.

While I look at those things I promise myself not to have so much christmas things if I ever have a home. To me it doesn't have sense at all, 'cause it just stays out of the boxes 2 months only, in fact I find it hilarious. But anyway, we people have our ways to do things, spend money, and all sorts.

Anyway, that's not what I'm gonna write 'bout in this post. It's more towards something I've been thinking lately, on my way to college while I go to lift some weights.

I wonder how many times, we just stop for a minute, and be really, honestly thankfull for what we have.

In my personal experience, and up to the day I thought 'bout the being thankful thing, I barely thought 'bout those kind of things. Most of the time, my mind is like some sort of weird cloud, with thousands of ideas moving over and over... with tons of "Why?" "What if" and so on, not to mention images of people I've met, people who I've talked to, people who made me felt something, people that is gone now, etc.

Guess it's too hard to think 'bout being thankful when you're sort of a troubled soul... the most common thought is "Why should I say thanks?" you know, I know how it feels to have a clouded mind most of the time, feeling a shortage of words, and feeling like not talking to no one, even to your own family and friends.

You just want to stay away... I do know the feeling too.

Taking back what I've said before, while I wrote 'bout my first month lifting weights, when you face such things like weights, your mind set starts to change. And, I'm no exception of the rule. I dare to say that I've become somehow, way more introspective, but at the same time, and recently, I started to realise that most of my mindset about some things was (and still is) completely wrong.

Yes, I repeat, it was wrong. I was wrong... and maybe I'll continue doing things the wrong way 'cause I'm human, but that's not the point here.

Why the "Being Thankful" think started to grow in my mind?

One day I was sittin' on my brand new laptop (My older sis gave it to me as a Birthday gift), and she told me 'bout some message one of my cousins had as his personal message on Messenger. My mother, who was 'round, heard it and, out of the blue she said to my sister "Tell him that he's not alone, God is with Him".

Somehow I choked in a big loud laugh. I'm not an atheist, but I'm not too much religious either. The reaction of my mother was complete anger... Well, I do understand and I don't blame her... I sort of offended her, 'cause technically, I was laughin' at her and her thoughts of God, love, whatsover...

So anyway, as usual in me while I do somehow screw things up, I started dwelling on the idea my mom presented to my sister. And it led me to this idea... "Be thankful for what you've got, even if it's nothing"

I'd not say it was a "Revelation". I'd rather say that, it was like something new being set on my mind... And somehow, I felt some relief. After that, another thought came up, "Don't plan anymore, and you'll be less frustrated". That's two, two things being set on my mind...

The next morning, on my way to the gym, 6 AM, I thought:

"Dear God, whoever and wherever you are, thanks for what I've got. My family, my friends, for what I've have, for what I have not, for what I've been granted and for what I've been denied."

Somehow, I feel quite lighter than I used to...

Any Colour You Like

2009-12-01T07:00:00.002-05:00

Always tryin' to get away with something... rememberin' my non sensical drawin' times

King Crimson

2009-11-18T22:49:00.007-05:00

When you're into music, you're always finding (or at least trying) new musical ways of expression and forms. Like any other art, that's the way you master it. Experimenting, expanding, contracting, and once again, expanding.

Many of us musicians-to-be lack this "gung ho" sort of attitude required. Many of us don't. That's what made old school rock quite different than today's.

So anyway... today I'll gonna write 'bout one of my favourite bands. In the past I just talked 'bout the guitar player, but I kinda feel like I should write 'bout the band as well. The band name is King Crimson.

Formed in January 1969, Crimson is one of those bands you never get tired of listening (If you're really a true fan at least). In their beginnings, their sound was quite an adventurous mix of jazz, rock, and odd time signatures. At the time, no one have dared to play such things. The reference point for every musician in the U.K. who wanted to do something "progressive" was the Sgt. Pepper album created by The Beatles.

In fact, that was the album that encouraged a young man to explore the boundaries of dissonance, and chords. The name of this young man was Robert Fripp, who in first place had no band at all. At the time, he was more of an Economics college student at the time, helping his father with the business he ran. On the other hand, he had quite a formal training in guitar playing, and by the time he was in his late teens, had played in some orchestras as well... That's something you definitely don't see nowadays.

The chance that let Fripp start his musical endeavours came through an ad put by Michael and Peter Giles, who were seeking a singing organist. But, instead they found a non singing guitarist. They called themselves "The Cheerful Insanity of Giles, Giles and Fripp". Later on, more people joined the band, Ian McDonald, Pete Sinfield, and finally Greg Lake, and Peter Giles left. The classic lineup of King Crimson was ready on January 13, 1969.

The name King Crimson was coined by lyricist Peter Sinfield as a synonym for Beelzebub, the Prince of Demons. According to Fripp, Beelzebub would be an anglicised form of the Arabic phrase "B'il Sabab", meaning "the man with an aim" – although it literally means "with a cause"

In the Court of the Crimson King, is the first album released by the band. Described by some rock legends as uncanny masterpiece, this is the record that "sensitive ears" who were dwelling into psychodelic experiences were shocked with. It contains one of the most challenging music ever made by a band, comprised by people between 23 and 28 years old. It is AMAZING.

- From their Hyde Park performance.

Later on, this - to me is the best - lineup disbanded, due to Greg Lake's departure to form Emerson Lake and Palmer, and Michael Giles retirement from music. Although, they performed for the next album, called In the Wake of Poseidon. It's a great album, just like its predecessor, although many people saw it just like an "extension" of the debut release.

So, since then King Crimson went through a lot of lineup changes, where they released another albums that personally I don't like but anyway, they came back to a strong sound.

This lineup consisted of Bill Brufford, Jamie Muir, David Cross, John Wetton and of course, Robert Fripp. Robert Fripp is the "Architect" behind this band, actually.

The first album they released with this lineup was "Lark's Tongues in Aspic". A very beautiful album, it starts with an angry Lark's Tongues in Aspic part I, abrassive from start to end.

But this lineup, came to an end in 1974. That's the year when Robert Fripp called it quits, and Crimson released one of the most amazing songs ever made, the epic Starless...

- This song put an end to an era where Crimson was very driven by fiercy jazz rock and experimentation, opening the gate for another new and interesting era for the band...

In the 80's, the musical scene was dominated by New Wave. In the 80's the Crimson King came back, with a total different lineup. With the exception of Bill Bruford taking the role of drummer again, the rest were quite well known musicians. Adrian Belew, the soloist, played before with Frank Zappa, and Tony Levin, the bass player, plays with Peter Gabriel since his first solo album. A superband, you might say.

- Good Stuff, isn't it?

For a brief time, this was King Crimson's most stable lineup. In further versions, they added 2 people more to the band, creating what Fripp would call "The Double Trio Band"... and as usual, it surpassed any expectations of King Crimson's fans. The new additions to the band were Trey Gunn on Warr Guitars and Pat Mastelotto on percussions. This lineup brought more like an Industrial Crimson kind of sound, heavy but also quite heavenly.

Then, the power Trio just became a quartet, with the temporal departure of Tony Levin and Bill Bruford, leaving a more sonic escaping Crimson begin.

In any case, the story of this band is one of the most interesting ones amongst rock history. One that seems to never end... as long as his leader, Robert Fripp (who I deeply admire) is alive.

Thanks for teachin' us young people how innovative a rock band could be... Crimson King

Chris Cornell

2009-11-16T10:43:00.004-05:00

The year 2004 was running already. Back then, sometimes I used to go to a friend's house who lived near my college. And as usual, he had some musical suggestion for me (And still has, which I believe is a really cool thing 'bout my friend).

So I was sitting there, as usual watching all the cool music posters he had, specially the ones of Nirvana, and Metallica. Suddenly in the middle of a Pantera and Metallica poster (With Jason Newsted, gosh I miss that bass player)... there was one quite particular. It said "Soundgarden", and showed 4 fellas with a "Don't look at me or I'll slice you in pieces" attitude.

Weird thing is that my friend, had this music on his player, and it was this band and he asked me to listen to 'em. And I was like "Shit, that's really cool!" sort of thing... well in my thoughts actually, 'cause I was quite a reserved person back then. The song playing was Spoonman (Which led me to find the Superunknown album later on, that was the first record I heard from Soundgarden).

Everything shocked me, from the guitar sounds, the drums, the bass (Yeah the bass!) and of course, the vocals of a name I haven't heard back then, Chris Cornell.

And it's funny, I also got the chance to get the Solo efford of Chris Cornell. Well, his firts solo record, called Euphoria Morning. Which, in my opinion is GREAT, from beginning to end. It does not sound like Soundgarden at all. It does sound like Chris Cornell.

The story of this man is quite amazing and at the same time, quite an example for everyone who wants to be in music. Back then I've got the chance to get a "CD Book" of Soundgarden, it's funny it costed me like $3 but it was worth it... Every time I was like "Fuck I'm going nowhere" I picked up that book and read it, and felt better.

- Back to Chris Cornell's. - The man used to study piano while he was a teenager, but then he switched to drums. Due to make a living, he even managed himself to be a cook, and it's a funny fact, while he was working in this restaurant he used to work, he was literally alone so, spent the time practising those magnificent screams that were his signature in Soundgarden, the band he formed part of later on.

In Soundgarden, Cornell was a beast, both on stage and off stage (while composing), his presence was more of like an old warrior going to battle with an axe on one hand and with a sword in another, yelling those amazing screams he's known for... Unfortunately, the band broke up in late 1997, putting an end to one of the most amazing bands of my generation.

Outside Soundgarden, you could tell that everything he touched (or ehm, sang as a matter of fact) was pure gold. One of the greatest things he also did was the tribute band to a fella he really appreciated, called Temple of the Dog. It was a supergroup (literally) formed by Chris, Matt Cameron, Stone Gossard, Mike McCready, Eddie Vedder and Jeff Ament. And well, he did paid tribute to his friend Andrew Wood. The music this band made was outstanding.

And he also collaborated with Alice in Chains in his SAP EP. You could tell, the brotherhood between musicians was in the air back then.

After a few years silent, Chris joins the fellas of Rage Against the Machine to form a new band called Audioslave. Which seemed to be the band of this times, up until Chris decided to go solo again. Quite a sad situation though, I wished to see 'em live, they were sort of near my country while they performed in Cuba, a piece of musical history I wish I witnessed.

Audioslave - like a stone
Cargado por vmedina27. - Videos de música, entrevistas a los artistas, conciertos y más.

- A song that makes me go through hard times. It still does!

- From the Cuba Performance...

Unfortunately, good things never last... like a Black Sabbath song says. And after Euphoria Morning, Chris managed to do more "commercially driven" music. Specially his last efford, Scream, where he collaborated with some guy called Timbaland. And it's a funny thing, after this collaboration happened, the man started to get more recognition than ever. Which is quite funny, 'cause no one cares about his former work but do focus more on the "hip hop" side of him. But oh well, maybe it's my fucking ego making me talk like that 'bout a man I consider one of my heroes... but I seriously can't stand his new album. I'm no one to say shit 'bout someone else's musical endeavours though.

Although, there's hope yet...

Thanks for all the great records you've put Chris... someday I've gotta see you perform, and why not (yawns, dreamin' like a fanboy haha) perform together.

Thanks, seriously.

25 times 17

2009-10-17T04:12:00.004-05:00

1984, a day like today, 25 Years Ago, I was born

I was born under funny circumstances. I'm gonna share you a bit of my personal history again...

At the time, my father was on some work in other city here in the country, he had a good salary, he could pay the food and all that with no problem back then. There were 4 people to care 'bout, my mom and my three sisters. Actually, 4, 'cause my mother was pregnant, at the time she got pregnant she was in her last year of college.

Unfortunately, she couldn't finish 'cause, I was on the way...

So, it was early in the morning in October 17. Mom was sleeping but suddenly this son of a bitch here (me) started his way to the outside world. According to my lovely mom, it was like 4 AM or something, which is the time I'm writting this note... My uncle Johnny and my grandma were here with her 'cause they were taking care of her 'cause as I told, my father was away working.

Fortunately they were here, I guess I owe 'em a lil' bit. My uncle took my mom and my grandmother into his car directly to the hospital. Now, this is funny 'cause at the time, 1984, there weren't so much hospitals nearby my house, I mean I don't live in the Elves forest (LOL) but, the only place where my mom could go at the moment was the Hospital del Seguro, which is the Social Security hospital of my country.

What's more odd is that, in the time, having babies in the hospital was not a regular practice, but certainly there were nurses, doctors, and all that who knew the necessary to bring a kid into the void, I mean, world... he he.

- Needless to say, I'm the first kid who was born in that hospital LOL, ha ha... -

There was one thing more. My mother and I were endangered, 'cause while she got pregnant she was 36 or something, and biologically talkin', a woman getting pregnant in that age is considered into a clinic case called "risky pregnancy" 'cause of the age factor I think.

Thankfully, both my mother and I survived, but we were sort of damaged. My mom had her uterus gone, 'cause she was bleeding way too much (Something I'm very sorry for 'cause I caused her that damage) and, well me, I was born with some weird heart disease, which seems to be gone nowadays.

The days I'm feeling like hell 'cause of many reasons I always tell myself that I was born for a reason. Thousands of times I've read similar stories, and either, the mother or the baby die...

Maybe it's a lie I like to believe, maybe not... 'cause, you know, I could feel like completely useless, sad, depressed, whatever you want to call it, but at the same time I feel alive. I breathe, I see, I touch. I'm alive...

My birthdays always seem so odd. The first time I had a birthday party I was 1. I have no clue why parents bother to throw a party 'cause a kid that age doesn't remember anything at all. But what I do remember is my 5th birthday, boy, that was amazing. Gifts, food, the birthday cake, the family gathered, nothing could beat that day... October 17, 1989.

I was a happy kid back then, but things changed since someone unwanted arrived to my house (The things people do in the name of "charity", dear God...) and then I started to see everything in its truest colours.... My birthdays since then weren't that colourful... And it's pretty much scary 'cause, I even see the difference in the pictures took... one year before I had a big goddamn smile... and one year after, I had the most emptiest eyes ever...

So much things for an 8 year old kid, isn't it?

But thankfully, music came to my life, otherwise I'll be one of those people who go nuts and start killing people trying to seek revenge. Or maybe I'll be in jail, I don't know...

While I had 17 on 17, it was kinda odd. That was somehow the way I always wanted my birthday... Just me, and the sea, face to face... Well, sort of 'cause I had it during an spiritual retirement thing, together with my classmates, and they weren't certainly the people I wanted to hang 'round with... I just wanted to be on my own... like the wolf I believe I was... or I am. But nothing compares to stare at the sea, and hear the waves talk to you... giving you a calm breeze...

While I had 18... what a bummer. People I thought were my friends actually weren't, my mom spend the whole day gathering some food to have a lil' reunion with 'em, but just 2 of them showed that day, and I keep 'em gratefully on my memory 'cause of that solidarity act... maybe they felt sorry for me but anyways. I don't blame the ones who didn't show, I sort of understand 'em, hangin' with the "not popular" kid wasn't the best thing a teenager could do, you know because of the status and all that thing... Since that day I wanted this day for me only, I mean, just me and no one else.

Oh, and one of my sisters made up a cruel joke 'cause, I was in my room doing nothing, and in order to get me downstairs she said "Carlos, María José te busca". I sort of ran downstairs, but there was no one. My sister laughed like hell, and I gave her the finger.

For those who don't know (Everyone in fact) María José is the name of a girl I liked back then, a lot. She happened to be the niece of one of my neighbours, a good ol' lady called Yolanda, who we call Yoli.

One day she introduced me to her - I said one day in a joke way, "Ey miss, is it true that you have a very beautiful niece?" and she said "Yeah, you want to know her?" and I said "Sure, why not". Obviously, it was all a joke but one day she rang my door and told me "Hey, my niece is here to meet you" and I was like "What the... !?".

We used to talk a lot, through MSN and by the phone, but then we stopped doing so, maybe 'cause she realised I liked her, and she had boyfriend at the time, although sometimes she told me that she liked the way I was... Last time I saw her was like, 2 or 3 years ago, but I was sort of angry while I saw her... 'cause my ol' dog Clay was attacked by another dog, and I took my dog on my arms like wanting to destroy the motherfucker dog... and I was angry, really angry... she saw me and said something like "Oh what a nice dog...", looked at me and obviously recognised me, but I didn't, I was so pissed off, that I realised it was her late at night. She was still in my neighbour's house, but I was so stupid back then, that I just continued doing nothing. She looked so beautiful. But this is old news anyway...

While I had 21... Funny situation. I was doing some college work 'cause, at the time I had a very "funny" teacher who always wanted to break our goddamn ass by sending us loads of work, I mean it, LOADS of work... they seemed to be eternal! I was on a college classmate's house, with some other people also, and one of them, who happens to be my best friend nowadays, knew that I was having 21. I wanted to go unnoticed that day but somehow, my friend spread the word that I was having 21. And obviously, everyone came in and said "Happy Birthday". That was odd...

While I had 23... That day I started to hear the blues, by the hand of someone I admire greatly nowadays... John Lee Hooker. First song I heard was "It serves me right to suffer".

I spent the whole day outside my house, I wanted to be on my own, but I took my cellphone just in case my mom called me or someone else. And that's what happened, mom called and friends, and all that... it was quite cool 'cause we had this steak made and all my family (meaning, my mom, dad and my sisters) were together with me. That was really cool.

My best friend gave me a Jack Daniels' bottle, we drank it and I came back home totally burned up, ha ha... I had to keep playing Iron Maiden on my music player to stay awake during the bus ride... But it was really cool. :) Thanks bro! And one of my sisters gave me this funny lil' guitar... that she bought in her trip to Peru. Damn, I'll miss her today.

While I had 24... to be honest I don't remember anything 'bout that day...

Maybe, I'm not the man people want
Maybe, I'm a twisted soul...
Maybe, I'm the Island, I prove the philosopher wrong
But I'm me, and I always will..

25, and there's so much more...

In loving Memory...

2009-09-23T20:34:00.006-05:00

July 2, 2005: There is Hope
I was 20 back then...

I thought there was no hope, but there was again... Pink Floyd reunited once more, and played the best music no one played in years. Not to dismiss the effords of Velvet Revolver, which is another band I like a lot, but Pink Floyd is Pink Floyd.

And I was happy, 'cause maybe my heroes, would be together again...

July 8, 2006: The Dominoes crumbled
I was 21 back then...

Syd Barret, the main force behind the early Pink Floyd, died because of something related with diabetes. And how strange, it was almost a year after his former bandmates reunited... The whole music community is shocked, specially we Floyd fans.

September 15, 2008: The skies wanted an Orchestra Director.
I was 23 back then...

Almost a month before my birthday, I was already setting the countdown to October 17th. Not that I threw a big party or something, I personally don't like either 'cause I am not used to it, or 'cause the last gathering I offered for my party, no one of my "friends" went, I have no clue.

I remember being tired, exhausted from a hard college day, and its fucking things, and its fucking teachers... As usual, I started up my PC, to check some stuff, Facebook maybe, and one of my friends had something that said something 'bout Richard Wright. So I quickly googled it, and I realised that Richard Wright died of cancer.

I was sad... I still am, 'cause I always thought that Richard was a key factor in Floyd's sound, since I started hearin' them. First thing I heard of Floyd, while I was 19, was Dark Side of the Moon, I believe it was Fate that put that album near my hands, otherwise I will be still playing a thousand notes per minute on my guitar, doing the same old song and dance that millions of guitar players do nowadays.

September 14, 2009
I'm 24 years old...

I was getting ready to somehow, honor Richard Wright, spending the whole day hearing just Floyd, and in the end just hear the album Broken China. That's the latest musical statement Richard made before dyin', what a great album. It has a great message and vibe... I was also sort of angry, I just had some incident with some lady I liked, but now I can't see her...

Nothing happened between the two of us, and nothing will happen... 'cause she finally showed how she is. But that's not the point...

September 15, 2009: Only the good die young...
I'm still 24 years old...

I was on the Metrovia bus, sitting hearing some Floyd, on my way to lift some weights... Mondays are usually good for me at gym, 'cause my stamina is high usually the first day of the week. By accident, I read something 'bout a double murderer, mother and daughter killed... and raped. Depression and anger arised at no time, I felt really sorry for the victims, specially for the young girl...

It seems, that I am one of those few human beings left who feel the sadness and anger mixed together, and also, that somehow feel related with someone they have no clue. It's exactly what happened to me with this girl... I keep thinkin' "My God, this isn't fair, she was just 21... why, why would she die this horrible and non-sense way?" I was so angry, that I even blamed the murderer, whoever he is, and his stupid reasons to do such thing, to rape a girl and kill her stabbing with no mercy, feeling powerful over an innocent disarmed.

Now I'm looking at her picture. She was beautiful...

This post is in loving memory of all the heroes fallen, and the innocent killed.

A month learning the Iron Philosophy...

2009-09-13T21:41:00.004-05:00

"A strong body provides strong thoughts"

As part of a self therapy (I say self 'cause I wanted to do so), one month ago I started to lift weights. Usually, the main reasons people go to a gym are either, for competition, to impress and meet girls, or just to be well with themselves.

The first time I went to a gym I was 19 or something like that, but I'm pretty sure that while I went there back then I hadn't the right focus or motivation. I'm gonna be honest, I went there to just gain more muscle so I could impress the ladies. Neither of the two things happened, 'cause later on I dropped the gym, being the main reason the lack of motivation.

Not much ago I heard that while you work out, your body liberates this weird thing called endorphins, which is a compound that causes every single human being to feel "happy" at some point.

Realising my constant situation of being most of the times sad, and depressed, and - a recently acquired feeling - angry, and also 'cause I've gained some weight and I was feeling flabby, I decided to join again.

But this time the motivation was different. The motivation was me, just to compete with me, to see what I'm made off, to see if I could persevere, or just quit like everyone else does.

It seems that the process of go through the Iron teachings wasn't gonna be easy. I already know * somehow by experience * that the things that really are valuable, are hard to get and go for. The day I wanted to register, I almost didn't 'cause of some weird rule, but I managed my way to finally getting what I wanted. Join.

First week was a pain in the ass. The first day, I couldn't move my arm at all, and I even couldn't play the guitar - That sort of worried me 'cause, playing guitar is what keeps me alive -. I had to buy this weird thing athletes use to "relax" the muscles.

Second week was still being a pain in the ass, but I knew that it's part of the process. All learnings in life are just like that, sometimes easy, sometimes painful, sometimes you need to take a deep breath and take all the weight over you.

I admit that somehow I needed/still need help, some excercises are really challenging, specially while you're just starting. But once again, all learning is just like that, and once again I remember, what I went through my guitar classes. To master patience and be humble.

Yes, being humble. It's easy to feel like intimidated, or just want to go on "competition" mood while you see the other guys lifting weigths heavier than yours, but that's when ego breaks in, once you managed to somehow control it, you're you and the pounds you gotta lift. That's the only thing that matters at the moment.

Henry Rollins once said that sometimes, random thoughts pull of while you're lifting weights, ranging from "What I'm gonna do tomorrow", and even thinking in someone, like the woman you like.

It's true. Since it's a challenging "moment", usually in the human experience you tend to remember all the things you've been through, all the people you've met, all the opportunities you let go. It's like your mind starts to work like it never worked, trying to either, confuse you or give you more reasons to push your senses out (Like Rollins say in his song "Starve").

While I was in my third week, I started to think more 'bout the woman I liked. Every time the weight bar was over me, and I seemed like 'bout to implode, her image just appeared in my head. I managed somehow to lift the bar one more time, but my arm was like "Jeez... take a break!".

While I was in my fourth week, that is, a month since I started to lift weights. Her image started to vanish... She dissapointed me big time, I don't blame her for being the way she is.

Somehow, I saw it coming...

But, as the image vanished, my strength arose.

Some things have changed inside my mind... I must admit. Some others, just became more stronger, just like my body is getting nowadays. But what's most important, I'm learning to push my senses out...

"The iron never lies to you... People come and go... but 100 pounds are always 100 pounds"

* To my friend Alejandro, thanks for being an inspiration man, and also 'cause through you I've met Black Flag and Henry Rollins' philosophy. *

Ramblin' on my mind...

2009-08-12T14:32:00.005-05:00

Nothing Really Matters... anyone can see... Nothing Really Matters... to me

Another page on my dull book.

I took the decision to stop talking with people, since I've got so much ramblin' on my mind... I don't want to bother no one with my anger and negativity. I don't want to be the messenger of chaos, doom, and despair. I don't believe in the myth of "A shared pain makes it less heavy". It's just sick, nonsense, egotistical, and not fair with the people I sort of care 'bout.

Instead... I'll keep writing. Words don't kill no one. They're just the way I express myself.

Words keep resonating in my head. One day, angry, frustrated and sad I told my mom that it's really getting harder and harder to live through this life, it's not that I discovered hot water, but to make such an affirmation with such sad conviction in front of your sick mother is quite disturbing. All she said was "I am really sorry I brought you to this world to suffer".

All I could say to her was... "It's not your fault". And, well... yeah, you know I keep telling to myself that thing "I was born for a reason". I am about to believe that it's just a lie I made up for myself to just carry on and not take a gun and place it next to my head... Maybe the effords I'm making are just plain vane, 'cause all I touch turns into sand, salt, and vanishes in the wind...

Or maybe they don't.

I'm clearly mind-sick at this moment. I am so tired of the way people behave and continue behaving, yes, you will say "If you want to change people then change yourself". I say to all of you who read this, I have changed myself so many times that I lost the count. I always seek for light, for redemption, for peace of mind, for calmness and why not, like all of us human beings, happiness. But all of them seem to move over and over... Now I feel like a blind man chasing the sunrise...

I really feel sad, really sad. So sad that I can't cry, it's this sort of sadness with anger, that keeps you wondering "Why?"... that keeps you wondering if God is playing with you like if you were a marionette... I am even starting to sound - like my mom says - "heretic", I formerly believed in God, I still do but, honestly I don't see why this damn things keep happening to me... Is it a test? I don't asked to be a goddamn saint, I don't have the ammount of submission those people had * I deeply respect them though * and all that, I just keep wondering, WHY. Yes, with capitol letters, WHY.

Yeah... maybe my life is the ant farm, and God is the kid playing with it. If such analogy makes sense anyway...And my friends tell me to remain optimistic...And they tell me to think way more possitive...

Yeah, like I do enjoy being negative...

My 25th birthday is getting near, and I feel like I've acomplished nothing. All the music plans I've got, still seem far away, I feel trapped in this jail called home, I feel more than ever alone, really alone, with no one to share a word. It's getting bigger and bigger, every day, but some twisted voice, maybe the voice of a guardian angel or a wanderer ghost is telling me to carry on. I am trying my best... but I don't know how much longer I would resist.

I know there's no such thing like a suicide solution. In fact that would be more of a problem, and if it's a solution, would be an egotistical one, since I'll be finishing with my life to just get rid of my problems, but what 'bout my family, specially my mother... I can't do that to her, and I never will. I've been through a lot of things in my life... I still don't see the reason why, but anyway...

Hope is different for each one of us...

And well... I don't believe in destiny, I believe in me.

Loneliness, Solitude... call it the way you want.

2009-08-09T15:51:00.012-05:00

There it comes, the subject that no one likes to talk 'bout, the one everyone is afraid of, the one everyone hopes doesn't touch them... The subject that, in my personal opinion is more feared than death itself. It's called loneliness... and also solitude.

I put an open question here... for whoever reads this blog...

Do you really know what loneliness is?
- Whatever your answer is, I don't mind... just keep it for yourself -

I will put my answer to my own question here...

I can tell I know what it is... Sometimes we humans misinterpret loneliness with solitude or with being single, which is the most common thing that happens, specially with girls. Loneliness is not just a feeling, but a state, of being somewhat trapped, in a crossroad, confused... and over all, alone, even if people surrounds you, no matter if this people are friends, your parents, your brothers or sisters, whatever... I think it's more a mind state/situation rather than a decision.

Yeah, there's people who choose to be a deliberate loner, but even those who choose this lifestyle, know that it ain't healthy or, much less, good. No one, and I seriously and honestly mean it, deserves to be alone, even the worst of the delinquents (who funnily enough, most of the time aren't alone, they end up alone while all of their theft plans and money go away, but hey, that's a common trait in we humans isn't it? Once the Power and the hand that feeds is away, so are we).

As you turn on the T.V. and you see this "so fine" looking people tellin' that they're alone, I think they're wrong. I think they just want someone to hook up with someone and make notice, to get attention (They already have it 'cause of the single fact they're on T.V.), I don't know... It just, bothers me... and it's like an insult and also some sort of cruelty, whereas they spit in your face how important is when "they" feel alone. Maybe I'm goin' way too much agressive with this particular sort of people, but to me the life of the "privileged and rich and famous" doesn't mean a thing for me. Too bad a lot of people spent part of their lives watching other's lives and desiring to be like some sort of Paris Hilton, Cristiano Ronaldo, whatever...

- Look at her eyes and tell me... Does she feel lonely, or does she feel single? Maybe both?-

There's also the dark side of loneliness. Have you ever heard of the fellas who, take a gun, load it up, and go out with the motto kill 'em all just for fun, revenge or whatever reason? Believe it or not, this single things happen, and will continue happening, as long as we humans don't learn how to live with people who's either, like us (meaning they have a similar mindset) or different. And while I mean different, I mean it... not just people who pretends to be different. We all were born unique, but sometimes there are cases that people just wants to look "odd" and to me, that's such a sad thing, why won't you bother being yourself. And don't come to me tellin' me that you're like that... 'cause you know you ain't. I know you, I was like you once... but I set myself free... and I'm still doing it.

So anyway, why people keep sayin' they are "alone" or they feel "alone". I am 100% sure that they feel single, rather than feelin' alone. Feelin' alone is not just missing someone you wish you were with... Feelin' alone is not just staring at the dance floor and dance with yourself... Feelin' alone is not whisperin' for the perfect match... Maybe I'm wrong, but since this is my blog, I am being sincere... and posting what I think.

Loneliness always have an starting point, which seems to replicate over time. Rejection...
And it depends of how we react against rejection or, how we know how to lose, that determines how complicated loneliness and solitude could be.

I'm gonna share somethin' with you ...
It's a piece of my life, just a piece not all of it...

- /I went down to the crossroad...fell down on my knees/ -

Through my 24 years of existance, since the day I was born, I was born to suffer. Or at least I think so. While I was born, doctors prescribed that I wouldn't live more than a year, 'cause the doctors detected that my heart had a hole (small but big enough to kill me in a second) in one of the blood conductors. My mother after I was born went to surgery, she bled a lot... and her life was endangered since the moment she got pregnant, 'cause while I was being formed in her utero, she was 36, and while a woman got pregnant in her late thirties, is considered a high-risk pregnancy, where one of the involved (baby or mother) dies.

So I survived, my mom did so too. She's a strong woman. She always have been.

But my life was overshadowed by the heart disease I had... and always had to go to the doctor at the minimal sign of sickness. And it bothered me at some point, 'cause I couldn't play like the other kids of my age did. So I started to find shelter in a lot of things, such as drawing, and riding my bike specially in winter, where the rain falls. I liked to feel the rain drops over my head, riding my bike, most of the time alone... although there were few weeks that some other kids joined me, since I was very skilled with my bike, and liked to drive it fast... Speed was some sort of catharsis for me back then...

I was a kid, but I really felt alone. Even with my older sisters surrounding me, and my parents giving me kudos for my academic response. Whatever... I was feeling alone, and I felt much alone when my mother took under her wing another person's son, and took him to live in my house... That was the worst part of my life. I wanted my mom for me, not for someone else.

- Look at that Lone Gun Man face I have -

In school I was a happy fella, most of the time, but it's quite funny, I was 'till someone pointed out that I needed lenses. It's amazing how among children the prejudice is so high, or was back then, that the moment I put a couple of glasses in my head, everything changed, and started gettin' darker... instead of seeing things "bright" I started to see 'em distorted. It was way too much for my 8 yr. old mind...

Fortunately, something that changed my life for good happened.

One of my sisters, carryin' on her tradition of force me to learn new things (among them were chess, reading a lot of books and a lot of things in the name of "I want for you the things I didn't have") asked a friend of hers who happened to be a music teacher if it was possible to take me under her wing. So she accepted.

I reluctantly went and well, after months I ended up loving the damn thing. The classes were mostly on Saturdays, and they were sort of fun, there were more kids (boys and girls) there but I rarely talked to them, at the time I really was used to be isolated... so usually I spent the break time practicing my music things.

For the first time I found some relief for my anger and loneliness, specially in the music of the great Ludwig Van Beethoven.

-Somehow, Ludwig's music convey what I dream about... A better world... -

-2nd part of this piece. The first I heard from Ludwig. -

While I was 10 I switched to guitar, and once again I felt less lonely, usually while you pick your guitar you think you're gonna be the ladies man, but that wasn't my case. Since I picked it up, I knew that I will aim for making my own music and not just play other people's music, which is the usual thing here, there and everywhere. And chicks fall for guys who play "love songs" for them. I ain't a "love songs" player. I play what I want... that's all.

In highschool I experienced great periods of loneliness, since this was another deal completely different from school, and also there were the so-called "groups" with a leader, how I despise such things, and at a time I started to be bullied, to the point I had a nervous breakdown. I even thought of suicide...

But there it was... hangin' on my bedroom wall, my guitar. So I took it and since then I sort of drive my demons away through it, loneliness included.

I always wondered how fucked up life could be, since it rewards the snakes and punishes some kindred good spirits. We all have been part of any of those two bands, but anyway... I guess I'm goin' crazy.

- My doctor prescribed me... milk, cream and alcohol... alcohol -

I really feel sorry for the boys and girls who have been and will be bullied. 'cause, in the future they could become part of the news, some sort of twisted killer, like Chapman and this Asian fellas who shot at their classmates... I hope they find something that helps 'em to fight themselves... and their demons, as I found my voice through music (and now, writting. Words don't kill no one...)

I really feel sorry for everyone who says is lonely, but you people should think what you say, 'cause what you say is what you ultimately become. If you want to feel a slow-motioned pain, keep telling yourselves you're lonely, and you'll get it. If you say that you're alone just because you don't have a bf. or gf. think for a moment, shut up your mouth, and reconsider saying it like "I feel single". That suits your situation better.

My name it means nothing
My fortune is less
My future is shrouded in dark wilderness
Sunshine is far away, clouds linger on
Everything I posessed - now they are gone

Oh where can I go to and what can I do?
Nothing can please me only thoughts are of you
You just laughed when I begged you to stay
Ive not stopped crying since you went away

The world is a lonely place - youre on your own
Guess I will go home - sit down and moan.
Crying and thinking is all that I do
Memories I have remind me of you

- Look at those eyes, and tell me... Does she feel alone? -

I know I'm alone though...

Even the most beautiful of swans, is afraid of being alone.

Shiva, the loyal...

2009-08-04T17:18:00.005-05:00

Months ago, next to my house arrived a syberian husky. From all the races of dogs, this particular one is my favourite, since this dogs reflect a lot in their eyes. They can say actually a lot, with just lookin' at ya...

Thing is, I liked this syberian husky, while it was smaller it was kept inside my neighbour's house, but as soon as it started growing, it was sent to the outside. So, let's say I met my syberian friend while she *it's a female dog* was sort of big.

It's amazing how an animal could teach us a lot of things. While you're in front of a nature creature, you can't fool around with mind games, words, and all that as we do while communicating with humans. With animals is different. All you got to communicate with them, in some deep level, is your eyes. You can use your voice too, but the thing is animals can't talk.

So anyway, since the beginning my syberian *adopted* pet and I had a mutual understanding, somehow I reflected in her. Specially while we look into each other. It's like, in another life I was a Wolf, and she was my sister, or my mother. I can sense even how she feels, most of the time I can tell she feels lonely and sad.

It's quite logical, I mean while you got a pet, it's not just an animal, it somehow becomes part of your family, 'cause he/she is leaving his/her mother very little, days or a couple o' months after being born, and as far as I know, every living creature has feelings of family, nurturing and protection, up to a certain point where they run on their own.

So anyway, it's been 3 months since my syberian friend arrived next to my house. Every day I come from work, tired as hell and somehow, down sometimes, my friend is expecting me to arrive, and it cheers me up. A creature of nature is happy 'cause I went back home, it's like she is my animal mother. She is standing still waiting for me to appear in the horizon, and after I'm at home, she rests.

One day I decided to gave a name to my Syberian friend, and... well I went out with the name of Shiva, 'cause, of the loyalty my animal friend shows me every day...

Every single day I see my animal friend I tell her this, it's like some sort of prayer, in a Sioux-esque sort of mood. - Sioux had a lot of respect for animals -

"One day, together we'll run free
In the green, infinite fields,
Again, our wild nature won't be caged
Again, Again...
Oh great Father Wolf, take care of us...
From the skies... from the skies..."

- And while I say this, I go back home.

Way too much things inside my 24 yr. old mind...

2009-07-21T19:58:00.002-05:00

Day after day...alone on the hill...

It's Tuesday, the year is half away gone... All the wishes of good vibrations, fortune, health and love seem to be going away far, and far away... With each day that passes, I feel like getting more confused, angry, and over all, lonely.

I am very aware that like me, there are millions of people, men and women, old and young, who feel the same as I am feeling right now... Temporary happiness always come and go in the shape of pleasures, and all that...

But, what can you do to face loneliness? What can you do to face those destroying thoughts inside you? What can you do to face all the fears of rejection, and the fear of being left alone, even if you're the most beautiful of swans?

I'd like to think that this things go away when you think and stay positive. Sure thing, yeah... so easy just like that, think that you're prince charming and you become it. I know better, what you think of yourself is what you ultimately became. I've been thinking a lot of things 'bout myself, good and bad things, and I know I am all of them. Sometimes I can't face my own honesty, but I have to do it, so I could learn from the mistakes I've made and I'll keep making.

But sometimes isn't that easy...

Sometimes the madness of the world we live in tries to suck it into a bitterness ocean... and that's what usually happens. It's quite amazing how our human nature could be so fragile, even while showcasing the most hard face in the outside...

Everyone wants to be with someone... I know. Someone who could just, give you a hand, a hug, a kiss, someone you could hold your hand and walk through the street as the sci-fi romance movie-thing.

But love's a fiction... Or maybe not.

I don't know what do love means, and I'm really sure no one does. Not even the ones who have a couple, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or whatever... Such things have done in the name of love, wars, kidnapping, suicide commitment, killing, my head just explodes thinking 'bout the ammount of things that taint the real meaning of love. Or what I think love is...

I really hate the notion of love this mad people gave to it. I really hate to think that if I love someone, I have to be strangled day and night, leaving away my dreams and hopes just to be with my "love"? Fuck it, I wont... I don't deny the idea of spending a whole day, and night with the woman I am in love with, but as I bet she will do, I have things to do, dreams to follow, stars to hunt.

I really hate the notion of love this mad people give it to it. I really hate to think that if I love someone, I have to play the fool from time to time, shut up a lot of things and swallow my own words, the truth inside my head, and all that. Where the fuck is honesty then? Maybe my pride will become my own poison, I'm really aware of it.

I really hate the notion of love this mad people give it to it. I really hate to think that if I love someone, I have to spend an awful lot of money trying to just, persuade her to love me... So, the expression of love itself, comes from how wealthy am I, may I ask? Maybe I'm just too angry to keep writting such things...

All I ever wanted... is a woman who could share thoughts with me
All I ever wanted... is to be Mars, and have as my woman the beautiful Venus.
All I ever wanted... is someone honest, who I will respect
All I ever wanted... is to choose the woman I'll love, for who she is, no matter if we aren't the same

But I guess, I fucking ask for too much... Maybe she doesn't exist.

I hope I am wrong.

Day after day ...alone on the hill
The man with the foolish grin is keeping perfectly still
But nobody wants to know him....They can see that he's just a fool
And he never gives an answer...

But the fool on the hill...Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head...See the world spinning around

Reflexiona sobre esa canción que tienes pegada

2009-07-16T01:05:00.003-05:00

- That was the message in one of facebook's fortune cookies. So far I've got 3 songs I think of a lot lately...

Atom and Evil

Blue Skies once upon a dream
Our eyes never in between
Then into the Garden came the slider
I'm here for you said the spider to the fly

and when I am through
you can open up your eyes and see
Your world on fire and the liar won't let go...
Atom and Evil

One more promise we can tame the Sun
and then we'll shine forever
Someday you can cry for everyone
Who burn when you were clever

Expand your mind we've got a place for you
Just make believe that 1 & 1 are always 2

When into the corner comes the Slider
Just say NO....

Atom and Evil

Falling is easy rising will never be
So we must rise together
Fear of the changes powerful harmony
but then there's no forever
Atom and Evil

Maybe if we cry together
Maybe if we cry as one
the tears that fall could kill the fire
and keep everyone from Atom and Evil

Rock and Roll Angel

Just close your eyes
You're on a caravan to Superman
Sweet home infection
He can kill you with your smile

He'll come to you
But like the wind, he's here today, then gone away
Be born again
Come taste the exhibition

Take a number
Come and join the line
Here's where you will find your
Rock and Roll Angel

Don't close your mind
Just bring insanity and you'll see it all
His lie can blind you
He's now, he's revelation

You've been wishing for the magic sign
Here's where you will find your
Rock and Roll Angel

Perfect strangers in the dark
Waiting for their lives to start
Then behold your shining star
I wonder who you are

Perfect strangers in the dark
Waiting for their lives to start
But just before the dream begins
You must confess your sins, yeah

Soon to see the holy one
Can he really block the sun
Then at last a shining star
Make me who you are

Sign of the Southern Cross

If there isnt light when no one sees
Then how can I know what you might believe?
A story told that cant be real
Somehow must reflect the truth we feel, yeah

Fade away, fade away
Vanish into small
Fade away, fade away
Break the crystal ball - oh!

Its the sign
Feels like the time!

On a small world, west of wonder
Somwhere, nowhere all
Theres a rainbow that will shimmer
When the summer falls
If an echo darts in dancer
When it hears a certain song
Then the beast is free to wander
But never is seen around

And its the sign of the southern cross
Its the sign of the southern cross
All right
Sail away
To the sign
Ohh

From the book, the word is spoken
Whispers from forgotten psalms
Gather all around the young ones
They will make us strong
Reach above your dreams of pleasure
Given life to those who died
Look beyond your own horizons
Sail the ship of signs

And its the sign of the southern cross
Its the sign of the southern cross
Fade away, fade away
Break the crystal ball
Fade away, fade away
I cant accept it anymore

On a real world, west of wonder
Somwhere, nowhere all
Theres a rainbow, see it shimmer
When the summer falls
From the book, the word is spoken
Whispers from forgotten psalms
Gather all around the young ones
They will make us strong!

Its the sign of the southern cross
Its the sign of the southern cross

Dont live for pleasure
Make life your treasure
Fade away!
Eight miles high, about to fall
And no one there to catch you
Look for the sign, the time
The sign of the southern cross, yeah

Honesty, is such a lonely word...

2009-07-13T22:51:00.003-05:00

Letter to my daughter.

I, as your parent sense in you pain, confusion, and those feelings don't allow you to see things with such clarity and objectivity... and much less coherence. It's not the best solution to get away from the ones who cared once for you...

Over all things, there is a God. We all in this world have a purpose, something to live and die for. Consider yourself someone valuable, full of qualities that you haven't discovered yet. Your true fortune lies inside yourself.

The pain you've been through is just temporary, but somehow you provoked it to yourself, with your own actions, with your decisions you can't regret now. Inside you, you know those things aren't right. But, what can I say?

I just can say that you failed. Every once in a while, we humans fail, thing is we should recognize our own errors, to fix them, taking the strong decision to just, carry on no matter what, to find new roads, paths, northern stars that would allow us to get our way. But do this without harming no one, just keep in mind, that the tears people cry, sooner or later, we have to pay for 'em, suffering.

Don't take my words as something depressive. Don't allow no one to manipulate you or your thoughts or free will, just be yourself, keep your integrity, your own mind balanced and your emotional stamina balanced as well too... You're the only owner of each one of your thoughts, the things you say...

Nothing lasts forever, everything ends in any day. Even life itself, just like mine, which is being shortened every day, living a slow agony, it is an unstoppable fact.

I'm sorry for not being the parent you expected. I didn't pick my sons, they came to me.
I'm sorry for not being the best, for making you suffer, for all the things I forbid you, for being the reason of your loneliness and suffering.

I didn't realised it. I just thought I was doing the best for you...

Forgive me, for who I am...

- The current was written by my mom. I just took her words and make 'em mine.-

* Everyone, is so untrue *

The importance of piano in Rock N' Roll Music.

2009-07-08T19:24:00.003-05:00

Last Saturday, while teaching bass to the bass player of my soon-to-born band, I was talkin' bout something... Why instruments that are not the traditional "leading" ones are ignored most of the time... such as bass players, piano players, etc...

If you look back in the times of boogie/woogie music, and blues... there were lead parts, and rhytm parts, both of 'em very important, but somehow as years passed, people just stared at the guitar player and completely ignored the rest of the band, and well... the guitar player was the key factor for making a band great or amazingly bad and mediocre... which put a lot of pressure in the guitar player's hands and shoulders...

Fortunately, there are exceptions to the rule...

Through the history of music, piano players played a major role... Back in the times of the classical composers like Ludwig van Beethoven, piano players were looked back then like the way people now looks at guitar players... As new musical forms appeared, the same happened...

In rock n' roll music, there are notable cases, starting from Jerry Lee Lewis, called "The Killer"... 'cause of the way he played his instrument. With tons of raw energy...

Then, piano music sort of ... morphed to mellotrons and synths, which I consider among the best inventions in music history. Those instruments played a major role in the evolution of progressive rock, 'cause it helped the musicians to create atmospheres and - in Frank Zappa's words - Sculptures of sound.

One of the most notable players of synths and keyboards was Mr. Richard Wright, from Pink Floyd... his eerie tone influenced by equal amounts of jazz, classical and atonal music contributed to create what we know now as the Pink Floyd sound... ethereal and dark soundscapes that allow you to travel through time and space.

Robert Fripp, from King Crimson, was a mellotron player during the early stages of the band. In fact, the orchestra-type sounds you hear through the album In the Court of The Crimson King, were made by him and his white mellotron.

As time continued moving, piano music in rock n' roll was sort of, retreating... few musicians, like the greats Elton John, Freddie Mercury from Queen and Billy Joel took piano as their main instrument, as well as Peter Gabriel did together with keyboards and world music instruments.

- Fantastic Piece of Music, isn't it? -

One thing that piano players share is that while they took their instrument, and sing at the same time, they make it a really intimate experience. Not that other musicians don't, but there's something magic while you see this fellas playin' the piano.

- This is what I mean with intimate -

Freddie Mercury, on the other hand, had a distinct approach on the piano. Heavily influenced by Chopin's tones and also by Tchaikovsky's... his piano sounds made a difference on Queen's loud and grandiose sound. In fact, Queen's most recognizable song in the world, is based around a piano.

- Grandiose, isn't it ? -

With the rise of disco, the role of piano in rock and roll music somewhat dissapeared. But, it appeared and re-emerged again, some years later, in the shape of raw power. Guns N' Roses frontman Axl Rose apart from being a singer, was a piano player, heavily influenced by the styles of Elton John and Freddie Mercury.

In 1991, Guns N' Roses published one of the greatest statements in rock and roll history. Two albums, under the name of Use Your Illusions, 1 & 2, emerged. And in both of 'em, you could hear a lot, of piano music. Rangin' from the traditional boogie/woogie inspired tunes, to the grandiose and epic tunes... In fact, that was the closing of the chapter of great piano music in rock n' roll.

- Piece No. 1: November Rain. See who else is playing the piano! -

- Piece No. 2: Estranged -

Later, some modern rock bands like Coldplay and Keane, tried to get back to this piano roots but, unfortunately * in my humble opinion * they failed. They lack the ammounts of stamina, passion and dedication the former greats had... they are making music that makes lil' girls get excited, but with no real content behind lyrics and music... that makes ol' geezers like me go angry and frustrated.

But, one day... music shall be released, from mediocre bands and people... one day.
And piano will have its voice again.

Lucid Dreams, Nightmares...

2009-06-28T13:35:00.002-05:00

It's kind of amazing, how some themes are somewhat connected with rock n' roll music, like the battles between the good and the evil, dreams and nightmares, out-of-the-world experiences, the divine and pagan, eternal freedom or slavery, heaven and hell, the history of the world, etc...

I haven't seen such variety in any other musical genre. You can't tell the same thing 'bout other music forms, like country which is only 'bout the love stories, or blues which is 'bout love stories too but, more in a mellow way, or even jazz where its complexity makes it somewhat hard to understand.

Recently I started to experience some sort of weird things. Well, not started but, experience them more frequently... Particularly the experiences of being out of your body, and seeing yourself... like sort of dead. But you ain't dead, you're alive, but your soul isn't in your body...

This kind of things aren't felt by everyone, but could be experienced by everyone. I'm just trying to find answer to my questions, and as far as I know, this kind of events always leave you a lesson, something to learn from... something to realise 'bout the fragility of your mortal nature.

The same happen with your dreams... and nightmares. Some of Us people have nice dreams, dreams of sunny days on a friday afternoon, walking through the beach.... sitting in the sand... whereas, some of us have symbolic dreams, the ones you got to decode the message in order to get the real meaning behind 'em, and some of us have nightmares... which also contain some sort of message, but we gotta be sort of brave to get the message that is trying to be communicated to you.

Sometimes it is really hard to understand the language of the subconscious...but you gotta learn how to understand it... otherwise, you'll miss a lot of stuff that could help you.

All my hopes and expectations, looking for an explanation
Have I found my destination? I just can't take no more
The dream is true, the dream is true
The dream is true, the dream is true

Just a perfect day...

2009-06-21T04:07:00.004-05:00

* Music heals what bullets made of words and nonsense do... *

Just a perfect day,
Drink Sangria in the park,
And then later, when it gets dark,
We go home.
Just a perfect day,
Feed animals in the zoo
Then later, a movie, too,
And then home.

Oh it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on.

Just a perfect day,
Problems all left alone,
Weekenders on our own.
It's such fun.
Just a perfect day,
You made me forget myself.
I thought I was someone else,
Someone good.

Oh it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on.

You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow...

June 15th...

2009-06-15T20:10:00.004-05:00

June 15th, 1951. One of my new fond musical heroes and influences, Steve Walsh, was born.
June 15th, 1975. My stepsister, Solange, who is a key person in my life, was born.

There are things that keep changin' as you keep growing, becoming an adult, and learning how to be a man. Some experiences are painful, some others are full of joy, whereas some others just, keep being null and void. Unless you want 'em to change. It's all in the mind.

Today it was supposed to be a great day. As I was used all my 24 years of short existance, we would have some sort of food feist with my family, 'cause it was my sister's birthday. Actually in every birthday that's the way it was supposed to be, unfortunately, the wheel of fortune kept rolling, and so the money, which is somewhat difficult to find nowadays, specially in the country I live in.

We would sit 'round the table, have a good laugh, and all that. I just remembered something... Nothing lasts forever, but the earth and sky...

It's been a though time for me, without my stepsister on my side, joking, talking, hearing me talking 'bout my "Quijote" attitude towards ladies (A reason why I have failed an awful lot in the past) and all that. It's been 3 months exactly, since she left home... It's been 3 months since the only person in the world who cared 'bout me, my dreams and hopes, is gone, since she decided to keep no contact with me and my family, and all that... for something she thinks is love.

I am no one to judge women, but every day I understand them less... * You read it * and, maybe I'm not alone at all...

It's been a though time for me, without my stepsister on my side... A day that was supposed of joy, turned down as being very, low key. Despite all the things goin' around me, the chance to get a job, my improvement on my social skills (where I have serious issues), and looking myself every day turning into a self made man... Despite all that, I felt lonely.

In fact, it just rained. Now I ain't sleeping well, neither my mom does. I understand her, the pain for her must be infinitesimal, 'cause she's my sister's mother. She says she doesn't care, but boy she does, any mother in the world will care 'bout her children, even if they are grown up adults. We'll always be the weakling babies they gave birth, in their eyes...

Sun didn't came out in the whole day, in fact, it just rained, rained, rained, rained, rained. And I went down, but my face showed a smile... what a contradiction.

Life's been hard lately for my family these days, for each one of us, in different ways.

But I just keep in mind this Kansas' song, which says in the end:

"Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever, but the earth and sky..."

A June 15th born, as my sister, just gave me back the hopes I've kept losing since my sister is gone...

Dust in the wind, Everything is Dust in the Wind

I don't understand, sir/madam...

2009-06-07T22:52:00.003-05:00

My head is 'bout to exploit. People is boring me the hell out of my existance, I'm getting tired of their constant judgement, delicacy rants, and all that stupid bullshit we manage too goddamn well. With no reason...

I've got some words inside my head, they twist, they ramble, they fight between themselves, they cannot find peace. Neither can I, for now is the time I feel in some way the most vulnerable human being...

Some of you will say "Fuck you, stupid whinny-boy". I don't care.
Some of you will say "Fuck you, I know you better". I don't care.
Some of you will say "I'm streets-wise, you got lots of memory, and no reason". Yeah, that's right... I don't care.
Some of you will come to me, and ask for help... But who helps me?
Maybe now, I'm about to cross that line that divides sanity and insanity, I am not sure...

Every time I am on a situation like this, I feel like talking to no one. But at the same time I need desperately to get rid of all of this words rambling inside my head, whispering psychopatically that I'm useless, the smallest piece of the Universe's puzzle, the unheard paria, storyteller... whatever.

I've been there before, I've felt miserable countless times, I haven't cleaned the gun 'cause maybe I am way too goddamn coward to kill myself, maybe some part of me thinks that I'd go to hell (Well, Null and Void, that's what my life's been 'bout so far), or maybe there's this naive part of me, that keeps thinking that things WILL change one day... that some sort of deity will feel compassionate for my already miserable life and give me hope.

I just remembered the story of the eagle. I've heard it while I was on a college class (yeah, something useful came out from there...). It is said that eagles, while they reach a certain age, they have to go through a series of painful things, which isolate 'em from the world for like, 6 months or something like that. And after those 6 months of painful stuff, they're ready to live for 10 years more... That's the proof that nature is so goddamn wise, yeah, animals don't use computers and all this "nice" things we humans know how to manage, but they do surely know how to live through this life.

I had a dream, a very vivid one. And it showed me how things are right now at my home, how my family is feeling and all that. My dad and mom are goin' through a rough time... For my mom's harder, since she's got this fucking disease that is slowly mining her vitality. I admire her 'cause she doesn't give up that easy, and she's still fighting for her life. I guess I've got that "soldier" attitude from her, whereas my dad, who's more fragile, is in some way devastated. I've inherited that fragile nature as well.

That dual nature of me is what confuses people, but what can I do. It's me, totally me, and since I was born under the sign of Libra, on a dark tuesday morning, on October 17, 1984, I'm really prone to be balanced and unbalanced a lot of times. But boy, people don't understand such thing, which is completely normal in the human nature... And yeah, there we start to shoot the judgement, the words, the "I know you"s... Fuck no, they don't know me. I don't know 'em either, maybe I do, but what right do I have to tell someone I do know him/her?

I don't lie, I've told while I was a lil' fella that lies lead nowhere. How could I lie myself then... that's the most stupid statement someone could make 'bout me. I am so angry, deceptioned, and I even feel like betrayed... I've got my reasons, no one knows 'em, just a friend who I consider my brother of different mother...

My final words... read this: Watch your own heads, don't scrape me searching for my sins... 'cause your nature is as sinful, and imperfect as mine...

I shall be released...

The one you see, it's not the one you could meet.

2009-05-28T00:00:00.007-05:00

Long ago, while I was 21, one of the teachers I admire at college, said the following:

"There's always the chance, that you could be like one person to all people, and there's also the chance, you'd keep a lot of secrets, a lot of people don't know, and will not know ever."

Continuing with my retrospective on my 24 almost 25 years, I have nothing more to say but agree... and say that it is right. Have you ever heard the track "Saucerful Of Secrets" by Pink Floyd? Well, I guess that's my soundtrack, and it quite defines the kind of people who is just like me. A big chest of questions with no answer, a 1.92 mts question mark.

I've been defined by many on so many words, and some of them are right. Some of them are wrong, and some of them are totally pointless... Just for the fun of it, I'll post the words I've been defined by. Just read 'em, have a laugh with me, or just close the fuckin' window and leave this ol' geezer's blog

- Shy, Antisocial, Psicho, Maniac, Social Anxiety compulsive.
- Egotistical, Modest, Artsy, Pretentious, Humble, Untalented, Talented.
- Boring, Entertainer, Stand Up Comedian, Sour Humourist, Ironic, Iconoclast.

So far, I've been labeled and defined by people in different situations, scenarios and years in 16 words. But to me it is just the top of the Iceberg... Yeah. Something funny I've just read 'bout the fellas who were born in the day I was born, is that we, October 17th born, are so many things to many people, but no one knows the real us deep inside us. And that couldn't be more right, and true.

It is easy for us men and women, to label people the way we want to, with no aprehensions, restrictions, or whatsover. We just, fire the goddamn words, and let 'em ring through the listener's ears, and well, what it's done it's done.

It is easy, to overjudge the book by its cover, but you know, the books that seemed "boring" 'cause of their simple cover, were in fact real masterpieces. I think the same happens with people, we all are rough diamonds, waiting to be polished, or in the process of polishing, 'cause not all of us shine since the day we were born.

Some of Us are fallen inbreds of heaven and hell, some of Us are God Send Angels, some of us are the same punishers of hell, as depicted by Dante in his Commedia in the Inferno Circles. We only know who really we are, and will be.

We all seem to be the actors, and actresses in a theatre plot, called life
We all seem to run wild, act wrong, be defenseless and at the same time agressive
We all seem to be lost, fall in love, dwell in lust, and fuck things up...
We all do, We all do.

24 Yr. Old Schizoid Man...

2009-05-26T13:12:00.004-05:00

In the previous post, I've written 'bout some personal stuff. Maybe some of you guys/girls knew it, maybe not. Maybe you guys/girls kept staring at the screen 'cause of that picture of that girl I've met, maybe not. Maybe you laughed, or cried, I have no clue... but anyway, I'll continue writting all the things I feel like saying... and maybe I'll repeat myself... I don't care.

I will continue this therapy of turning into words all of my thoughts, for all I could do now, is that... 'cause I don't feel like writting lyrics, and turning my feelings into music. Not now, and I know that if I force it, the result would be quite terrible, so better focus on this other creative outlet I've got.

I don't know you guys, if this ever happened to you. This is something that usually happens to me, maybe 'cause of my attitude, or I have no clue why. It's been 24 years since I am out in this mad world, and, always, I mean it, always, had a big group of friends, then the group turned smaller, and then there was no one. It happened since I was 5, it happened every time I had to change of school 'cause of my heart disease, it happened while I put my feet on my high school, and it happened also while I put my feet on college. It seems to be quite a recurrent movie sequence, in which me, the main character of my own movie, am conscious now, at my 24's, that I am totally responsable of this picture.

Another recurrent movie, that has been playing over and over, since the first time I started to feel something towards ladies, was rejection. Self-Imposed, or received? I have no clue, you know, people tells you "Buddy it's all in your mind" or, "It's the groove man, it's the groove", but honestly I don't care, I don't give a fuck 'bout it...

The first time I felt such thing was while I was a kid, but it wasn't a big deal, it was quite normal back then, a kid like me usually spent a lot of time playing soccer, riding a bike (Oh yeah, I was a master at bike riding), or whatever. But the fun thing is, that I kept such a "I don't care" attitude, that later on I was befriended by this people who formerly threw me away.

I guess that attitude is being somewhat of a shelter created by me against the world and people who acts and behaves like this, but things change you know, and I don't blame no one for being who they are. I rather prefer honesty than hearing a thousand lies. Second time, well I don't remember, 'cause I've usually got this label of "Sweet, charming and shy guy". Fuck labels, I hate them. If they only knew, that I am made of lava and tornadoes, and got an iron fist as well as a warm heart... but anyway. I know it and it's enough.

Through my life road, I've made some friends, I've made some enemies, I've met some, and I've denied some as well. I've been also denied, like Christ 3 times... but I guess we all have been there, isn't it? Gettin' into trouble without a reason, and all that...

I've been there too... I am not sinless, much less a saint. But people have this misconception that if you don't do anything "crazy" such as, I don't know... go drunk out there in the middle of the street, hump all the things that got boobs and a pussy, and all that, you're boring, or a "saint". Heck no, I don't think so... I've been there too, but that's routine...

To me it is a routine life cycle, you complain, you bring the iron fist, you work eight hours like a slave, go back home, watch tv, then if you're in the mood, you go get laid with your old lady, then you hit the bar, and the day is over. Life's so meaningless this way...

But I chose another life style. I chose the one you might say, it's not "adventurous", it's not "fun", it's not "interesting"... I don't give a fuck, as long as this decisions are made by me, totally, without any kind of pressure, or whatever that is. It's me, being more me by doing what I decide, and feel able and free to do, as long as I do not harm no one else but myself only, if that ever happens.

I chose to be the best I could be six years ago, I am chasing a far away dream, that seems carried away in the brilliant chariot of the Sun King, I am walking my own path, sometimes easy, sometimes dust... I've chosen deliberately the things I'm going through, happiness, joy, sadness, depression, honesty. In all of these actions, there's me. I'm in every thing I go and touch, play, sing, write, and keep for myself.

I'll keep doing this, for who I am, I was, and will be. And always, keepin' in mind that above all things, the one that matters is that I should stay true to myself. No matter how stupid, dumb, I could "seem" to anyone else.

I, on my almost late 20's...

2009-05-26T00:28:00.004-05:00

Well... You know, I don't know you guys/girls, who read this, but before goin' to sleep for a new day which will start earlier than usual 'cause of my college obligations, I'll write something more... continuing with the previous post...

I, for those who don't have the pleasure/disgrace of know me, am a 24 year old man, just got a job out of a chance that, let's say fell from the skies, but anyway... As soon as you reach one addition to your 20's equation, some things change, for either, good or bad.

In my case, I don't want to sound like plain stupid, or superficial, but... here's one fact. While I was 18, I was thin, now that I'm 24, I start to see some age lines in my face, and even I notice myself gaining some weight. I have no clue how much weight I've got on me now, but it seems to be quite something, 'cause my face looks like a goddamn potato. And this, is quite evident not only for me, but also for my friends, who stare at me like "Geez, you look fat!".

Another fact, and maybe this is one a bit more motivating, is that a lot of things that I used to think, changed. I remember myself being quite more radical than I am now, in fact I think that back then the chance to hear such amazing music like the one made by Tim Buckley, Elton John, and Billy Joel would be like zero... back then, while I was 18 all I heard was this metal bands, but one day all changed, driven by the hand of the Pink Floyd Sound... God, what a discovery...

Some interesting things happen to you, while you're entering your 20's. Sometimes, there are days that you feel like a goddamn God, without a prey that follows you. That happened to me an awful lot, specially my first two years as a guitar student with my guitar master. By the second half of my second year as a guitar student, I was learning how to be humble, even if I got more skills than the rest of the crowd 'round me.

Now I'm 24, and I'm still on the verge of learning how to manage my own (here goes your favourite word for me boys and girls) Ego.

There were also days that you daydreamed a lot. Oh jeez, I used to do that an awful lot, while I was hearing music. Specially Radiohead, or Pink Floyd. While I was on my way to college, specially the times I had to choose the bus in the early cold mornings, I played my records through my cd player, and always thought "Here it goes, one of the best guitar players in the world travellin' on a cold morning, to college, like a lot of fellas do".

I didn't thought this with much fanfare, just thought this to give me some stamina, 'cause back then I didn't liked to go to college. Not that I do now, but at least I manage myself to go enough time to approve the class.

As there were cold, black days, there were good days. During my early twenties, I met one of the most beautiful women in this entire planet, and at the same time, for the first time ever, I knew what a broken heart was. I mean, for real... 'cause we (meaning, my lady and me) were so in love, or maybe it was the heat of the moment, I have no clue.... that, while the thing fucked up and exploded, I had an awful lonely time, and didn't wanted to be helped, but only by myself.

Eventually I did, although, the girl and I met again 2 years later, but things weren't the same, and I think they won't, at least for now. God, how I wish to embrace her and don't let her go... but I have no clue what does she wish so, maybe I should stop dealing with abstracts.

I've learned also, that the best way to learn to live, is to learn to lose. Whatever loss means, you have to learn to deal with it. While I was 21, I met this gorgeous woman, even more beautiful than the previously mentioned, to me she was (back then, and sometimes I do think of her) a God send angel to comfort me, just for an hour, I don't know, maybe I'm just too obnoxious, or an old school romantic, or just plain stupid.

But I swear, that looking at her was the experience that gave me relief, inspiration, and nerve to start creating my own music. Those were the 45 minutes of pure bliss, I could tell, for the first time someone seemed genuinely interested in my dreams, pursuits, and crazy ideas I've got... 'cause she felt identified with me, and I felt identified with her, and also, bewitched by those blue eyes of her... damn, I still remember that day like it was yesterday, but it wasn't yesterday, it's been a long ago...

- Isn't she a God Send Angel? Where would she be now, I don't know... Hope she's fine-

So, now I'm 24. I've run through an awful lot of names as a musician, and thankfully, I've learned a lot through the path. And I've had unlearnt a lot of stuff, as well.

Bruce Lee said something like "Be like water, my friend"...