My head is 'bout to exploit. People is boring me the hell out of my existance, I'm getting tired of their constant judgement, delicacy rants, and all that stupid bullshit we manage too goddamn well. With no reason...
I've got some words inside my head, they twist, they ramble, they fight between themselves, they cannot find peace. Neither can I, for now is the time I feel in some way the most vulnerable human being...
Some of you will say "Fuck you, stupid whinny-boy". I don't care.
Some of you will say "Fuck you, I know you better". I don't care.
Some of you will say "I'm streets-wise, you got lots of memory, and no reason". Yeah, that's right... I don't care.
Some of you will come to me, and ask for help... But who helps me?
Maybe now, I'm about to cross that line that divides sanity and insanity, I am not sure...
Every time I am on a situation like this, I feel like talking to no one. But at the same time I need desperately to get rid of all of this words rambling inside my head, whispering psychopatically that I'm useless, the smallest piece of the Universe's puzzle, the unheard paria, storyteller... whatever.
I've been there before, I've felt miserable countless times, I haven't cleaned the gun 'cause maybe I am way too goddamn coward to kill myself, maybe some part of me thinks that I'd go to hell (Well, Null and Void, that's what my life's been 'bout so far), or maybe there's this naive part of me, that keeps thinking that things WILL change one day... that some sort of deity will feel compassionate for my already miserable life and give me hope.
I just remembered the story of the eagle. I've heard it while I was on a college class (yeah, something useful came out from there...). It is said that eagles, while they reach a certain age, they have to go through a series of painful things, which isolate 'em from the world for like, 6 months or something like that. And after those 6 months of painful stuff, they're ready to live for 10 years more... That's the proof that nature is so goddamn wise, yeah, animals don't use computers and all this "nice" things we humans know how to manage, but they do surely know how to live through this life.
I had a dream, a very vivid one. And it showed me how things are right now at my home, how my family is feeling and all that. My dad and mom are goin' through a rough time... For my mom's harder, since she's got this fucking disease that is slowly mining her vitality. I admire her 'cause she doesn't give up that easy, and she's still fighting for her life. I guess I've got that "soldier" attitude from her, whereas my dad, who's more fragile, is in some way devastated. I've inherited that fragile nature as well.
That dual nature of me is what confuses people, but what can I do. It's me, totally me, and since I was born under the sign of Libra, on a dark tuesday morning, on October 17, 1984, I'm really prone to be balanced and unbalanced a lot of times. But boy, people don't understand such thing, which is completely normal in the human nature... And yeah, there we start to shoot the judgement, the words, the "I know you"s... Fuck no, they don't know me. I don't know 'em either, maybe I do, but what right do I have to tell someone I do know him/her?
I don't lie, I've told while I was a lil' fella that lies lead nowhere. How could I lie myself then... that's the most stupid statement someone could make 'bout me. I am so angry, deceptioned, and I even feel like betrayed... I've got my reasons, no one knows 'em, just a friend who I consider my brother of different mother...
My final words... read this: Watch your own heads, don't scrape me searching for my sins... 'cause your nature is as sinful, and imperfect as mine...
I shall be released...
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