It's somewhat Odd. Almost like a year ago I started this blog as a "music only" blog, and well yeah, I've shared some of my thoughts on the music I love (And I'm missing a lot of musicians and bands I deeply admire), but in time, the blog has became some sort of window to look at, a door which opens to let all my personal troubles go away in the shape of words...
I know bloggers expect to be read. Personally, I don't expect to be read, but if someone does and some sort of message gets through the words I'm typing out of my mind well, thanks.
I just felt the need to write right now, since I've been feeling deeply angry, and at the same time down. In contrast to how I felt before (down all the time) this isn't a good mix, to me at least... but anyway, it depends how you control the feelings of construction and destruction which are gathered in your head...
At this moment I should be doing my thesis document, but what the heck. I don't feel inspired at all to write something academic.
Let's say that I write a letter... but this letter has no receiver. Maybe it's you, or maybe it's me who read this... And I'm sorry if I write some harsh words... It's part of the beast I am...
Dear receiver...
More than ever I feel the need to get away from everything and everyone. More than ever I understand myself and my role in this world... More than ever I understand less the human race... More than ever I feel sorry, and at the same time... angry for the beast I discovered I have become through all this years of constant motion, fear, excesive vitality and passiveness.
Sometimes I feel confused, sometimes I feel like the inventor of the wheel. Through characters in front of my screen I've read an impressive ammount of things, where the most noticeable were unfortunately, lies. Lies that I seemed to follow as well, as part of the whole I am part of. And how ironic, I don't like lies...
Can I ask you something? (I hope you don't get offended thou...)
Have you ever felt so fucking stupid that you really, wished to not wake up in the next morning, to see again your face in the mirror? Have you ever felt so fucking angry with yourself for losing a significant chance of making your life less miserable, less boring, whatever you wanna call it... ?
In other words, have you ever felt so fucking angry with yourself because you finally noticed, after years of being clouded with a "truth", that you and yourself only, were the root of all evil and the bad things that happened to you.
How I wish reality was another, another like in the dreams I have, another like in the dreams I am walking free in the woods uncovering the veil from the girl I loved once... Another like in the dreams I am together with the girl I deeply like nowadays... in a dark room just the two of us. But the reality I seem to witness, every day, every night, every dawn and every sunset... is the end of the world as I know it, apocalyptic blasts of me fighting my demons, every day, everywhere...
But it isn't... And I deeply wish to change the parts of my mechanical mind that are wrong... seriously and honestly, but I have learned recently that, rather than changing things, I should accept them as they come, that's where freedom lies in.
What is stranger enough, is that behind this shelter of madness, psychosis and egocentrism, there is someone who realised the fragility of nature, the innocence of a baby, the loyalty of animals... the freedom a single musical note could give to a tortured soul just like mine...
I became an uncle last year. It feels really strange, I know I'm still 25, but on the other hand I feel that I should take care of that innocent creature that is part of my family at this moment. Egos and all my problems go away when I'm with her, just listening to the music I like... I totally forget how miserable I feel, how down I feel, how I feel 'cause the girl I like seems unreachable even though I know I have the guts to go straight to her and take no prisoners. Everything just fades away when I'm with my lil' baby niece...
All of sudden, yesterday... No, my troubles didn't seem so far away as Paul says. They are still there... Damn, now I have this odd feeling of wanting to rip my eyes off just to not see this woman I like... I sincerely like her... When I see her it's like ... hearing the best song you could imagine.
What is odd is that yesterday, while I was talkin' with a friend 'bout songs that I really am into, I started to play the song "Where Did you Sleep last Night" - Nirvana's rendition of Leadbelly's - and, the girl appeared, and left. All of sudden, while the song was 'bout to end, the girl appeared, and left.
My girl... My girl... where will you go?
I'm going... where the cold... wind blows...
And sometimes I remember how I met her... It seems like yesterday, but it was in August...
When will I see you, again?
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