- Time ain't coming back, son...
A friend of mine has this quote that goes... "Death or Glory". He knows way better than me what does it mean...
I always think of the years behind me as if they were yesterday... It feels weird having a certain age where you're expected to do "some things" according to the normal "behavior" of society and adults.
Remorse of the things done and undone is a waste... It's a waste of energy, of will power... of determination. Thousands of times before my 26th birthday my conscience attacked me incessantly about a lot of things, specially the ones I haven't done yet or left undone... Like a machine gun fully loaded with the most powerful gun powder, my brain projected images, feelings, sounds trying to make me plead for mercy... trying to make me go crazy... trying to make all my efforts and decisions vain.
But I'm stronger... I know that... just like some kind of veteran soldier who have fought an entire war almost his whole life. A war for survivalism, a war for mental sanity... a war for spiritual enlightening... a war against myself.
On my way to one of my journeys, I realised that it's better to accept what we haven't done... and reconsider if we could do something, yet. If don't, it would be like fighting a battle with wooden swords against an enemy who have nuclear bombs. Being myself the wooden-armed soldier, and being my conscience the bomb-armed entity.
If I was sentenced to shot myself with a bullet for each chance I've missed, in any aspect, I'd be dead. All the shots of the bullets would aim directly towards my head... towards my hands, and towards my legs. Being the reason, for thinking too much, for not doing anything, for not moving in the right direction.
Man, how much have I lost... Money, Opportunities, Women... all the "things" that make one man's life "good". But, you know what... It's allright... losing is a way of understanding... losing is a way of learning ain't nothing granted, for no one... losing is a way to be humble... to be open... to be present.
I'd like to believe that in some weird way, life's been trying to teach me a lot of things, which in some way, I either, accepted or refused. It could be anything, it could be how to do something, it could be how to make money, it could be about women... but life's always there, teaching something... the hard way. And I like it.
And that's why I feel more alive than ever...
The more the days pass and the more I realise I'm 26, I understand that all of these events, have happened or not because of my own decisions, being myself the architect of my own destiny. Maybe I'm designing my destiny not in a Le-Corbusier-esque way, but rather, in a Dali-esque way... in a wild, self-destructive, spiritual, reconstructive way.
What to create, What to destroy? I'm not sure, I guess it depends of the heat of the moment.
Sometimes I'm peaceful... Sometimes I'm the wildest thunder...
I see destruction as a way of creating something new. Maybe, I have to destroy the worst parts of myself to get the real diamond in the rough beneath this skin... beneath this ancient shelter.
From zero to one... from river, to ocean... I realised I'm like nature.
Violent, but Calm. Silent, but Noisy at the same time
Love and hate living inside ... I am the beginning, and I am the end.
I am the sinner and I am the saint
The saint wishes to be loved like a sinner.
I hate and I understand myself
It's human to hate yourself... as it is human to make mistakes.
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