More (Minus) Human

The week is over and the month continues moving on. As I thought, this week was somehow kind of weird, 'cause the carnival is 'bout to start, and people is going nuts already wondering where would they be this year, due to not breaking the tradition of going away while we have this holiday time.

Personally I have to deal with some things, first of all the thesis thing, 'cause I have to re-think of the approach I'm giving to it, got word from a friend of mine who's working with me on it that one of our college teachers said some bullshit 'bout it, and we came to the conclusion that the guy just don't like our work or the thing we're trying to work on... And, somehow I've got this weird feeling that this fella's gonna be on the thesis judges, so gotta re-think and re-re-think it, all of that in less than 2 months.

Life's really a motherfucker, just like people. But it's ok, I'm fine with it.

There's also the music thing, yesterday had a great guitar class and, as usual I came back home feeling like I learned something else that I had no clue before. At the same time, I realised how wrong I was on my approach on some things, music learning is actually a really humbling experience, where you realise that once you start on it, there will be always a long path to walk through.

I feel really happy 'cause of it, actually.

Actually, whatever the thing you love, it should be that way, being always fascinated, just like 2 lovers who just got into a relationship.

In music, and with the instrument I play, I always feel fascinated when learning a new chord, a new voicing, a new lil' concept... I guess that's why I wanna play as many instruments I can, being the next one to learn the piano. Damn, I love the sound of them white and black keys...

As usual, when being surrounded with music, I feel great. I feel no anxiety, no obscure clouds, no bullshit. When I'm without music, I feel sick, almost like dying. It's very weird but that's how I feel it...

So anyway, for those of you who're having fun in this holidays, I sincerely hope you do have fun, and for those of you who're staying at home, well, I sincerely hope you do have fun too.

I'll stay in the city, takin' care of my grandma 'cause my grandpa's gonna visit his family, and 'till he's back I gotta take care of her, and in the meantime I'll play some of my guitar things, I hope I won't bother her :)

Rain...

One of the most fascinating things in nature is rain...

While it rains, usually something happens with either, nature or, with us.

When raining, all the animals that usually are outside, gather inside and try to find a warm place until the rain is gone.

When winter time starts, and rains start (at least here in this side of the globe), crickets come outside, and become the living nightmare of some people (specially females and a very few males), this also means that, they start to find a couple to reproduce, that's why you hear those weird kind of high pitched noises coming out from nowhere...

In people it's more weird... (And we think we're normal, yeah right)

I've come up with a theory, once again...

People who like rain, are either, in love or people who is always hippety hoppet. What I mean is that they're full of energy and the "Always Smiling" kind of people...

Why ? Well, if you've been outside when it's raining, no matter if in company or alone, while rain starts, as I told earlier, we (like any animal) find either a place to hide, or try to run away from it.

And, if you look closer to the people near you, you'd realise that the ones who're actually couples (Whatever kind of), start to hug each other and smile. Or, try to experience the "Kiss under the rain" situation. That's kinda cool...

In my personal experience, most of my friends who happen to like rain are people to happen to be either in love, or have this "smiley" state of mind.

Rain could mean catastrophe for some of our fellow humans, 'cause they live in dangerous places where the rivers usually flood, and destroy everything...

It's the same for people...



Some of us, while it rains start to feel really, really down. This is the other side of the coin, where people who's lo-energy-driven starts to feel lonely, start to be introspective, and go into their bedrooms, lock it down and just sleep, sleep, sleep.

I'm one of those people. When it rains, I happen to feel like that, and usually I even don't look at my guitar, 'cause I don't feel like doing it, I just stay, listening some slow motioned music, and start to think 'bout things that I shouldn't think, like the famous "Why am I here?", "What should I do with myself?".

Rain usually is the perfect time when I face myself...

Last year, there was this heavy rain going on in my city, and for some weird reason, I went to the roof of my house, just with a couple boxers on, and stood still for an hour. What I realised is that, while you're half naked and under a heavy rain, you can't bullshit yourself, you can't tell yourself the famous "Everything's gonna be allright" (I am starting to hate that sentence)... you can't tell no lie to yourself.

It was a great moment...

If you're someone who doesn't fear facing yourself, do it.

There's nothing like being almost one with nature...

Listen, it's the best gift you could give to someone...

Last day I was practicing some guitar excercises on my guitar, all through the neck, in the key of C major, and all of sudden someone rang the bell outside my house. It was this old, very old lady who happens to be a friend of my mother, and happens also to know me since I was a very, little baby.

As many of you know, I'm 25 right now, for those of you who have seen me (either through photos or in person) know that I am quite bigger than I used to be, because I'm lifting weights, and since I'm a tall fella, now I seem like a giant!

Anyway, the joy in the lady's face when she saw me was really genuine. I mean, she knows me since I was a lil' kid, and now I'm almost a grown up adult, and told me she was glad to see me healthy and strong. So I saluted her, she saluted my mom, started talking with her and I went back to my guitar excercises and sit, being left with these thoughts I'm sharing right now.

When having this kind of situations, we have the chance to reflect. I'm not saying to look on the past, but to reflect what we have done, what are we doing, and what we're going to do. It's very common, that one day you're sitting somewhere in your house, or you're in the bus, whatever the place, and then someone calls you (or text messages you, I'm aware of the times we live in) saying that they need to talk to you.

What do we usually do? Have we thought "Let's treat the others the way we would want to be treated"?. Have we thought "Oh man, here's this fella again"?. Have we thought in the smallest, chance that with just listening, someone would be released, or would feel better?

Having a good pair of ears, and a double pair of eyes ('cause I use lenses), I was aware of the situation going on with the ol' lady and my mom. They were talking, but the ol' lady was the one leading the conversation, she was asking my mother a ton of questions, but at the same time I could tell she was feeling sort of in company.

I might be wrong, but every time I've seen this ma'am on my house, she leaves with a big smile in her face. Sometimes my mom says "Tell her I'm not here" but, as fucked up as I am, I tell the lady nothing, 'cause I am aware that sometimes we people need company, in the shape of conversation. Specially if you're someone who lives alone.

We all deserve to be heard. I mean, if guys like thieves, narcos, and serial killers ARE heard, why the rest of people couldn't? Is there a difference between a priest and a thief? Is there a difference between a rich and a poor man? No, there isn't.



While being in the kind of situations where people asked me to go and listen to them, I usually do. Sometimes I am so pathetically humanitarian, that even if I'm really fucked up in the head and angry or, depressed, I try to put aside my personal bullshit to give some kind of relief for whoever asks me to do so.

Personally, while I have something that bothers me, or troubles me, I don't like to go out and call someone to talk. I used to do such thing before, but nowadays I'm aware that people run through their lives, instead of walking, and I don't wanna bother no one with my thoughts of anger, solitude and despair. And there's plenty of them, so that's why I decided to write 'em down, in the shape of words.

Let's be honest, there's nothing like being heard. There's a difference between being surrounded in a sea of letters and being surrounded in a hug, or shared tears.

There's also something special, almost magical, when you start to talk within yourself, within words that are coming out of your head, within musical notes being played and heard by your ears... To me that's what works...

But once again, there's nothing like human warmth, a sincere look in the eyes...

If you run with the luck of being surrounded by people who loves you, listen to them. I guarantee you, they'll be your support while being old, and you'll not live alone in your later adulthood.

If you're like me... I hope you could change.

I lit the candle of my thoughts with fury...

After a few days of finally, sort of coming back to earth realising I already finished college, feelin' with a weight being throwed away from my back, ideas and thoughts started to come into my head in a very unconventional rate...

You see, at the time I'm writting this, I'm a 25 year old man, with no experience in many, many fields of life (women and physical intercourse included), having the same eyes, the same ideals, and the same aspirations, being the final end becoming a professional musician, tour around the world, and if possible (and if my head is able to work towards that way), have a family.

I'm going to be brutally honest, and if you like it, good. If you don't, good.

At this moment, year 2010, it's been 8 years since I decided to be a musician. Like any inmature young man, my initial reasons for being a musician where the ladies, the fame and the fortune. But as I grew up older, I realised that any kind of art, true art at least, is separated from those things. I mean, great if you could make a living through it, great if you're wealthy, but the thing is, whatever kind of art form you're in, comes first.

At this moment I have that focus, that mindest on my head. Art is just something so pure, that nothing as banal and futile as those things (Fame, fortune and ladies) have to be the reasons I am in it. The reasons for being an artist, whether you're a musician, painter, photographer or something, is to express yourself, whatever the way you choose, as long as you feel you should do things the way you choose...

When I create a piece of music, a riff, or when I'm practicing some kind of scale, I am totally aware that I am becoming one with the instrument I play (guitar), and the art I love (music). Also, I'm relieving myself from some dark thoughts I constantly have, like dissapearing, sadness, weakness, loneliness and even suicide sometimes.

Many of you will be wondering (The ones who know me, and why not the ones who don't also) "Why the hell is this guy writing this?"...

I have a theory...

All diseases, whereas they're psychological or physical, are connected. Thankfully I am not a disabled guy, I have a complete body, my pair set of arms and legs are fine, my eyes well, they need some aid of course, but overall I'm fine.

Mentally? Well, I am not sure, but I am kind of a "socially disabled" fella, meaning that I have the ability of not talking to people at all, specially women. I don't feel scared, it happens that when I come across with some words, I am either misunderstood, or I am not listened. It's not people's fault, I know, right now we live in a very fast era, and our attention span has decreased a lot.

Sometimes, I have felt so frustrated, and that's why the suicidal solution comes in.

Suicide to me would be the same kind of "quick" solution or "fix" we people find in our most difficult times, either while we're through a financial crysis, or a sentimental crysis, or a mental crysis.

The "quick" solutions I'm talking 'bout are drugs, alcohol, and compulsive sex(I am sure most of you will laugh at me, if so I encourage you to do so). Unfortunatelly, we humans are so weak that we let this solutions to become the reasons we live, and that's when addictions come in also.

So instead of turning my sadness and despair into suicide... I decided to turn 'em thoughts into fury... into anger, into screams, into sounds that are so agressive that are saving my troubled soul... And it works.

Lit your candles too, people... Get rid of depression and embrace yourselves.



Hatred is pure as sunshine. - Henry Rollins -

Time to keep walkin' ...

After 7 years of being studying in college, today was my last day in college.

Feelings coming up? Well, I'm at this moment saying to myself that I'm gonna miss some people, that I'm definitely happy to not seein' again some others, but over all, that I proved myself I could do things, no matter how hard they seem to be.

The other day I was telling to a friend, that I almost threw the towel. It was 2007, things weren't that good for me back then, I had a lot of problems and thoughts flyin' like albatross, and they were quite hard to face. Plus, I had this weird idea of gettin' into a music college, and leave the college life.

Somehow (For Good or For Bad), my ol' sister (who's my niece's mother) told me to carry on 'till I finished, 'cause I was so damn close of being out of college. I also felt kinda weird 'cause a friend I really appreciate was 'bout to finish college, just as I am doing now. Things were heavy 'cause back then I didn't have too much friends, I don't have too many now but, I managed to know people from other courses who are younger than me.

There were though times, yeah, like when I had to repeat my Math courses for some "changes" the people in the director's board had made, times when I was told in my face I was worthless, that I was hopeless, but, there were also great times like when this particular teacher gave me hopes and helped me to uncover this "Do it or Die" attitude I have nowadays... there are plenty of memories, I will not say college was a bitter thing, but I'd not say also that it was the greatest moment in my life.

Through the years I had some great teachers, some others I didn't listen to at all, and some others that tried to make things miserable (Maybe I'm wrong) but, with the help of music, friends, and teachers who encouraged not only me but also my fellow classmates, we sure wouldn't be the place we are now: Finishing (College wise)

Should I say I regret the decision of finishing College? To be honest, not at all.

Sure, there are things you learn in the street, but there are some things that you learn in college, through research, through questions, through experiences, through trial and error. Most of us know those things, most of us don't. Most of us went to find their lovers in the classrooms, most of us don't.

(And well, for you who read the story of the college girl I liked, it didn't worked. Somehow I realised that she wasn't gonna be my girl...)

To be honest, I felt that I left some things undone, I felt that my freedom is now a fact, I felt that it's time to find my way through music. Maybe I'm about to start this wonderful and terrifying ride of doing what I feel I should do.



But that's what life's all about...

Nothing and No-One's gonna stop me now...

Life is a mistery, better it is that way...