After a few days of finally, sort of coming back to earth realising I already finished college, feelin' with a weight being throwed away from my back, ideas and thoughts started to come into my head in a very unconventional rate...
You see, at the time I'm writting this, I'm a 25 year old man, with no experience in many, many fields of life (women and physical intercourse included), having the same eyes, the same ideals, and the same aspirations, being the final end becoming a professional musician, tour around the world, and if possible (and if my head is able to work towards that way), have a family.
I'm going to be brutally honest, and if you like it, good. If you don't, good.
At this moment, year 2010, it's been 8 years since I decided to be a musician. Like any inmature young man, my initial reasons for being a musician where the ladies, the fame and the fortune. But as I grew up older, I realised that any kind of art, true art at least, is separated from those things. I mean, great if you could make a living through it, great if you're wealthy, but the thing is, whatever kind of art form you're in, comes first.
At this moment I have that focus, that mindest on my head. Art is just something so pure, that nothing as banal and futile as those things (Fame, fortune and ladies) have to be the reasons I am in it. The reasons for being an artist, whether you're a musician, painter, photographer or something, is to express yourself, whatever the way you choose, as long as you feel you should do things the way you choose...
When I create a piece of music, a riff, or when I'm practicing some kind of scale, I am totally aware that I am becoming one with the instrument I play (guitar), and the art I love (music). Also, I'm relieving myself from some dark thoughts I constantly have, like dissapearing, sadness, weakness, loneliness and even suicide sometimes.
Many of you will be wondering (The ones who know me, and why not the ones who don't also) "Why the hell is this guy writing this?"...
I have a theory...
All diseases, whereas they're psychological or physical, are connected. Thankfully I am not a disabled guy, I have a complete body, my pair set of arms and legs are fine, my eyes well, they need some aid of course, but overall I'm fine.
Mentally? Well, I am not sure, but I am kind of a "socially disabled" fella, meaning that I have the ability of not talking to people at all, specially women. I don't feel scared, it happens that when I come across with some words, I am either misunderstood, or I am not listened. It's not people's fault, I know, right now we live in a very fast era, and our attention span has decreased a lot.
Sometimes, I have felt so frustrated, and that's why the suicidal solution comes in.
Suicide to me would be the same kind of "quick" solution or "fix" we people find in our most difficult times, either while we're through a financial crysis, or a sentimental crysis, or a mental crysis.
The "quick" solutions I'm talking 'bout are drugs, alcohol, and compulsive sex(I am sure most of you will laugh at me, if so I encourage you to do so). Unfortunatelly, we humans are so weak that we let this solutions to become the reasons we live, and that's when addictions come in also.
So instead of turning my sadness and despair into suicide... I decided to turn 'em thoughts into fury... into anger, into screams, into sounds that are so agressive that are saving my troubled soul... And it works.
Lit your candles too, people... Get rid of depression and embrace yourselves.
Hatred is pure as sunshine. - Henry Rollins -
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