Walkin' like a ghost ...

While I was 19, I thought I would be able to conquer the world.
Now that I'm 25, I think that I should walk through the world.

I'm not precisely a man well versed on the art of being humble. The "Ego Problem" is one of my major traits when it comes down to my psyche structure, and to be honest, I don't give a fuck 'bout that. (un)Fortunately, as far as I'm concerned, those kind of things make each person a complete diferent universe.

I've seen in front of me happen a lot of things lately. A week ago I spent 4 days at my grandma's house, I forgot how peaceful this place was. I moved in this place for this period of time 'cause my grandpa had to solve some things with his brother who's pretty fucked up now, all sick and stuff.

I had the most amazing and weirdest time of my life in company of my grandma. I had to do things I have never done in my short existance, let me tell you why.

My lovely grandmother is a 82 years old lady, and her name's Maria. As you can imagine, an 82 yr' older moves really, really in slow motion, and technically is like we humans kind of "remember" the days we used to try to walk while we're just kids. Some people said that being in the elderly age is kind of like being a kid again, I agree on some extent, the difference is, these are "kids with experience and lots of memories".

So anyway, due to this reasons I had to do the following:

- Being a Cook and have some good dinner ready at 12h00 P.M and then at 18h00 P.M
- Being a Grandson on charge with pills and stuff prescribed by her doctor.
- Be the man of the house and take care of any strange situation goin' around
- Wake up early to get fresh bread, 7 A.M to be exact.
- Go to buy food and all other sorts

The thing is I had to be disciplined in order to make life pretty easy for both my grandma and me, in the end things went really cool, and we had some really good conversations, funny ones, serious ones, and polithical ones. I forgot how much of a talkative person she is, but it was fine for me.

Actually, it was a humbling, and somehow an inspiring experience.

Humbling because I had to forget, for a while, my own personal bullshit, negativity, problems, and be the best grandson I could for my grandma, to have a good time no matter how fucked up things were at the moment, to have a good time no matter how fucked up the thesis work is (Thankfully, the thing is going really well)...

And most important of all, because I had to keep my word of taking care of her.

It's kinda funny how my mom said she missed me, 'cause that's what happens when you leave your environment for another completely different. She even cried on the phone, but I understood it was a way of her saying to me she was like, missing my crazyness 'round the house. I know better, I'm the youngest at my house, I'm the one always yelling weird things, singing like a deaf beast, the one who hears the music in a God-Forbids loud, way loud, level.

I guess the quietness after I left was quite unbearable for her...

At nights, I felt like a ghost, the keeper of the house. Usually I always left my grandmother while she was sleepy, closed the door and went to the room I was in, read a bit of Miles Davis autobiography, then heard some music, then think some stuff, like I always do, and then sleeping.

I can tell you, after I came back from my grandma's house, I found myself more vulnerable, in contact with myself, with my eyes and with my thoughts.

Since that day, yeah I've seen beauty, but it just passed away from me, like ignoring me, but maybe I was ignoring her. I don't know, but now I can tell it's possible to handle this kind of thing. Let's say, that I've become more human...

I even stopped to argue about the music I don't like at all. Winds of Change? maybe...




Maybe it was necessary to stay away from what I'm used to.

While I was 19, I thought I would be able to conquer the world.
Now that I'm 25, I think that I should walk through the world.

I am a Ghost... in the world of the living.