In the previous post, I've written 'bout some personal stuff. Maybe some of you guys/girls knew it, maybe not. Maybe you guys/girls kept staring at the screen 'cause of that picture of that girl I've met, maybe not. Maybe you laughed, or cried, I have no clue... but anyway, I'll continue writting all the things I feel like saying... and maybe I'll repeat myself... I don't care.
I will continue this therapy of turning into words all of my thoughts, for all I could do now, is that... 'cause I don't feel like writting lyrics, and turning my feelings into music. Not now, and I know that if I force it, the result would be quite terrible, so better focus on this other creative outlet I've got.
I don't know you guys, if this ever happened to you. This is something that usually happens to me, maybe 'cause of my attitude, or I have no clue why. It's been 24 years since I am out in this mad world, and, always, I mean it, always, had a big group of friends, then the group turned smaller, and then there was no one. It happened since I was 5, it happened every time I had to change of school 'cause of my heart disease, it happened while I put my feet on my high school, and it happened also while I put my feet on college. It seems to be quite a recurrent movie sequence, in which me, the main character of my own movie, am conscious now, at my 24's, that I am totally responsable of this picture.
Another recurrent movie, that has been playing over and over, since the first time I started to feel something towards ladies, was rejection. Self-Imposed, or received? I have no clue, you know, people tells you "Buddy it's all in your mind" or, "It's the groove man, it's the groove", but honestly I don't care, I don't give a fuck 'bout it...
The first time I felt such thing was while I was a kid, but it wasn't a big deal, it was quite normal back then, a kid like me usually spent a lot of time playing soccer, riding a bike (Oh yeah, I was a master at bike riding), or whatever. But the fun thing is, that I kept such a "I don't care" attitude, that later on I was befriended by this people who formerly threw me away.
I guess that attitude is being somewhat of a shelter created by me against the world and people who acts and behaves like this, but things change you know, and I don't blame no one for being who they are. I rather prefer honesty than hearing a thousand lies. Second time, well I don't remember, 'cause I've usually got this label of "Sweet, charming and shy guy". Fuck labels, I hate them. If they only knew, that I am made of lava and tornadoes, and got an iron fist as well as a warm heart... but anyway. I know it and it's enough.
Through my life road, I've made some friends, I've made some enemies, I've met some, and I've denied some as well. I've been also denied, like Christ 3 times... but I guess we all have been there, isn't it? Gettin' into trouble without a reason, and all that...
I've been there too... I am not sinless, much less a saint. But people have this misconception that if you don't do anything "crazy" such as, I don't know... go drunk out there in the middle of the street, hump all the things that got boobs and a pussy, and all that, you're boring, or a "saint". Heck no, I don't think so... I've been there too, but that's routine...
To me it is a routine life cycle, you complain, you bring the iron fist, you work eight hours like a slave, go back home, watch tv, then if you're in the mood, you go get laid with your old lady, then you hit the bar, and the day is over. Life's so meaningless this way...
But I chose another life style. I chose the one you might say, it's not "adventurous", it's not "fun", it's not "interesting"... I don't give a fuck, as long as this decisions are made by me, totally, without any kind of pressure, or whatever that is. It's me, being more me by doing what I decide, and feel able and free to do, as long as I do not harm no one else but myself only, if that ever happens.
I chose to be the best I could be six years ago, I am chasing a far away dream, that seems carried away in the brilliant chariot of the Sun King, I am walking my own path, sometimes easy, sometimes dust... I've chosen deliberately the things I'm going through, happiness, joy, sadness, depression, honesty. In all of these actions, there's me. I'm in every thing I go and touch, play, sing, write, and keep for myself.
I'll keep doing this, for who I am, I was, and will be. And always, keepin' in mind that above all things, the one that matters is that I should stay true to myself. No matter how stupid, dumb, I could "seem" to anyone else.
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