What is really the definition of...

It's been quite a long since I posted something in this blog. Actually, I've stopped it 'cause, I thought all the things I've got inside my head should be left unsaid, 'cause, after all I don't know if anyone dares to read all the things I wrote here. But I remember why I started this blog... It was for my own enjoyment, so later on I could reflect on how I felt at a certain time/moment while hearing a piece of music.

Today I'm not gonna write about music... 'cause, to be honest I don't know what else to say 'bout it, yeah, my friends were right, all the things I talk 'bout are music, music, and music. And yeah, sometimes they got bored and go away. It's my fault, and I am really honest and I accept it.

Today, as I am hearing an album that sorta pulls me in a very, very sensitive mood (Fuck all the stupid people who say that sensitive equals gay or something)... I am gonna, let go all of the things I've got inside my head, and I think I've been keeping in silence, filtering through my head like a silent poison... I just, exploded, and screamed... like the world's gonna end.

- The record by the way is the only one I have of the Trans Siberian Orchestra, called Beethoven's Last Night, which deals 'round a concept where, Beethoven is composing his 10th symphony, in his last day alive. -

It's funny, and easy to use words a lot. Ranging from the ones that cheer you up, or the ones you use to pull people down without realising it, or worst yet, the ones you use to humilliate or make feel someone guilty. The worst thing, is that we all humans are guilty for being humans. Yeah, you read it, we're guilty of being humans.

I know there are some things that we should always watch out and keep in, 'cause it's the way we people evolve. But it seems we recreate, and swim through this countless words we say, every day, every night, sometimes without realising it... and while we noticed we fucked things up, it's way too late.

I screamed today, very loud... 'cause I felt doing so. I was supposed to go out with my mom, and pick up some guitar cables and all sorts, 'cause on friday I've got a music concert, in an Arts festival organised by my college, but she wasn't there. I am a person who, tries to keep his words, in all circumstances, and while I say yes or no, or whatever word or sentence, I try to keep it and do it, 'cause that's part of something called Honor.

But anyway, guess not all of us have it, and I accept it, but damn... It angers me while someone, specially my family, breaks his/her word. It's a sour mixture of anger and deception. And I've tasted that a lot through my life. But I'm way goddamn stupid, maybe naive, and I still believe in people, no matter how stupid we could be. I say we, 'cause I am also part of the people.

Thing is, ma' mother is ill, maybe she's got the cancer, she told me that yesterday, and she returned late to our appointment 'cause she went to the doctor. Yeah, he told her she probably had the cancer. Maybe my mom's self prophecy's of dying just after I've got my college degree would come true... I know some day parents will go (or we sons or daughters should go first, no idea) but... anyway, it just depressed me, not only 'cause she told me the situation, but also 'cause I felt like an asshole, for yelling at her. I wanted to scream again, so I did. And I yelled at her again a couple of times more, while I feel bad, I think the best thing to do is to leave me alone, 'cause I've seen that I behave just like a damaged lion, I tend to be agressive. While I was younger, I hurted my hands breaking a mirror just using my angry fists... that says it all...

I swear to God, that I want to scream again, and cry a lot. Fuck everyone who says that men don't cry, guess what, they do. I do cry while I am in deep pain, or really angry... and in this case it seems to be that mix.

You know, people tells me a lot of times : Stop being angry, Stop this, Stop being that... Why you're so this and that, your problem is this and that... And by people I mean, friends and family. You know what, sometimes I want to say to you in your faces, "Fuck You"... but somehow I remember you people tell me such things 'cause you've seen in me the honesty I preach and try to give to everyone, and you're honest with me...

Sometimes I wish I was a different person, the friend everyone would kill for, the man the ladies will like for who he is, but, I remember something that one of my heroes said: "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than liked for who I am not". So...

Yes, I am a maniac, and I am thinking seriously, I'm reaching the border line of sanity, due to the current events of my life

Yes, I think the only thing that keeps me sane is music, 'cause I could talk through it, I could hear my heroes talking to me, even if they don't know me, I could hear each one of the notes resonating in my ears, and giving me relief... Yes, that's what music is for me... It's my catalyst, my savior, my friend, and all I've got.

Yes, I am Ego. Call me Ego guy, Egomaniac, you know what, I used to be affected by this, but why should I be affected by truth. If standing loyal for who you are, for what you believe, and being radical against all that attempts against all the things you stand for means to be the "Ego Guy", then I am one. I am Ego, yes, call me Egotistical, Self Conscious, Introvert, I really have come to the conclusion that I really am that all of those words. Guess what, I'm the only one who knows the real me. I am not masquerading, I happen to be someone else for each person I know, I've loved and hated, and well... It seems that it's the way it will continue being, 'cause all my life I've been just like that.

Yes, I feel bad sometimes. I feel lonely, I wish things the way I see/feel change one day, but they won't. Only the crystal rays of the purity of an honest lover could change that, but, the problem is I have no clue where my woman is. All I know is, that I will continue staying true with myself... and I will continuing doing so.

It's funny to say such nice words to a troubled soul, but as I told one of my friends yesterday... It feels just like showing to a weakling child a piece of tasty food, in front of his dying eyes... That's somehow a twisted way of sympathy...

I wish people could just, put in someone's else's shoes for one day. I am not saying that I wish everyone could see things the way I do, nah, I mean (And I include myself) I wish everyone could see far beyond their own eyes... see the pain and sorrow inside the people's eyes, and give 'em some relief...

I wish so, maybe I'd not lost more brothers or sisters every day... in the hands of the seductive suicide...

I wish so...