Ramblin' on my mind...

Nothing Really Matters... anyone can see... Nothing Really Matters... to me

Another page on my dull book.

I took the decision to stop talking with people, since I've got so much ramblin' on my mind... I don't want to bother no one with my anger and negativity. I don't want to be the messenger of chaos, doom, and despair. I don't believe in the myth of "A shared pain makes it less heavy". It's just sick, nonsense, egotistical, and not fair with the people I sort of care 'bout.

Instead... I'll keep writing. Words don't kill no one. They're just the way I express myself.

Words keep resonating in my head. One day, angry, frustrated and sad I told my mom that it's really getting harder and harder to live through this life, it's not that I discovered hot water, but to make such an affirmation with such sad conviction in front of your sick mother is quite disturbing. All she said was "I am really sorry I brought you to this world to suffer".

All I could say to her was... "It's not your fault". And, well... yeah, you know I keep telling to myself that thing "I was born for a reason". I am about to believe that it's just a lie I made up for myself to just carry on and not take a gun and place it next to my head... Maybe the effords I'm making are just plain vane, 'cause all I touch turns into sand, salt, and vanishes in the wind...

Or maybe they don't.

I'm clearly mind-sick at this moment. I am so tired of the way people behave and continue behaving, yes, you will say "If you want to change people then change yourself". I say to all of you who read this, I have changed myself so many times that I lost the count. I always seek for light, for redemption, for peace of mind, for calmness and why not, like all of us human beings, happiness. But all of them seem to move over and over... Now I feel like a blind man chasing the sunrise...

I really feel sad, really sad. So sad that I can't cry, it's this sort of sadness with anger, that keeps you wondering "Why?"... that keeps you wondering if God is playing with you like if you were a marionette... I am even starting to sound - like my mom says - "heretic", I formerly believed in God, I still do but, honestly I don't see why this damn things keep happening to me... Is it a test? I don't asked to be a goddamn saint, I don't have the ammount of submission those people had * I deeply respect them though * and all that, I just keep wondering, WHY. Yes, with capitol letters, WHY.

Yeah... maybe my life is the ant farm, and God is the kid playing with it. If such analogy makes sense anyway...And my friends tell me to remain optimistic...And they tell me to think way more possitive...

Yeah, like I do enjoy being negative...

My 25th birthday is getting near, and I feel like I've acomplished nothing. All the music plans I've got, still seem far away, I feel trapped in this jail called home, I feel more than ever alone, really alone, with no one to share a word. It's getting bigger and bigger, every day, but some twisted voice, maybe the voice of a guardian angel or a wanderer ghost is telling me to carry on. I am trying my best... but I don't know how much longer I would resist.

I know there's no such thing like a suicide solution. In fact that would be more of a problem, and if it's a solution, would be an egotistical one, since I'll be finishing with my life to just get rid of my problems, but what 'bout my family, specially my mother... I can't do that to her, and I never will. I've been through a lot of things in my life... I still don't see the reason why, but anyway...

Hope is different for each one of us...

And well... I don't believe in destiny, I believe in me.