25 times 17

1984, a day like today, 25 Years Ago, I was born

I was born under funny circumstances. I'm gonna share you a bit of my personal history again...

At the time, my father was on some work in other city here in the country, he had a good salary, he could pay the food and all that with no problem back then. There were 4 people to care 'bout, my mom and my three sisters. Actually, 4, 'cause my mother was pregnant, at the time she got pregnant she was in her last year of college.

Unfortunately, she couldn't finish 'cause, I was on the way...

So, it was early in the morning in October 17. Mom was sleeping but suddenly this son of a bitch here (me) started his way to the outside world. According to my lovely mom, it was like 4 AM or something, which is the time I'm writting this note... My uncle Johnny and my grandma were here with her 'cause they were taking care of her 'cause as I told, my father was away working.

Fortunately they were here, I guess I owe 'em a lil' bit. My uncle took my mom and my grandmother into his car directly to the hospital. Now, this is funny 'cause at the time, 1984, there weren't so much hospitals nearby my house, I mean I don't live in the Elves forest (LOL) but, the only place where my mom could go at the moment was the Hospital del Seguro, which is the Social Security hospital of my country.

What's more odd is that, in the time, having babies in the hospital was not a regular practice, but certainly there were nurses, doctors, and all that who knew the necessary to bring a kid into the void, I mean, world... he he.

- Needless to say, I'm the first kid who was born in that hospital LOL, ha ha... -

There was one thing more. My mother and I were endangered, 'cause while she got pregnant she was 36 or something, and biologically talkin', a woman getting pregnant in that age is considered into a clinic case called "risky pregnancy" 'cause of the age factor I think.

Thankfully, both my mother and I survived, but we were sort of damaged. My mom had her uterus gone, 'cause she was bleeding way too much (Something I'm very sorry for 'cause I caused her that damage) and, well me, I was born with some weird heart disease, which seems to be gone nowadays.

The days I'm feeling like hell 'cause of many reasons I always tell myself that I was born for a reason. Thousands of times I've read similar stories, and either, the mother or the baby die...

Maybe it's a lie I like to believe, maybe not... 'cause, you know, I could feel like completely useless, sad, depressed, whatever you want to call it, but at the same time I feel alive. I breathe, I see, I touch. I'm alive...

My birthdays always seem so odd. The first time I had a birthday party I was 1. I have no clue why parents bother to throw a party 'cause a kid that age doesn't remember anything at all. But what I do remember is my 5th birthday, boy, that was amazing. Gifts, food, the birthday cake, the family gathered, nothing could beat that day... October 17, 1989.

I was a happy kid back then, but things changed since someone unwanted arrived to my house (The things people do in the name of "charity", dear God...) and then I started to see everything in its truest colours.... My birthdays since then weren't that colourful... And it's pretty much scary 'cause, I even see the difference in the pictures took... one year before I had a big goddamn smile... and one year after, I had the most emptiest eyes ever...

So much things for an 8 year old kid, isn't it?

But thankfully, music came to my life, otherwise I'll be one of those people who go nuts and start killing people trying to seek revenge. Or maybe I'll be in jail, I don't know...

While I had 17 on 17, it was kinda odd. That was somehow the way I always wanted my birthday... Just me, and the sea, face to face... Well, sort of 'cause I had it during an spiritual retirement thing, together with my classmates, and they weren't certainly the people I wanted to hang 'round with... I just wanted to be on my own... like the wolf I believe I was... or I am. But nothing compares to stare at the sea, and hear the waves talk to you... giving you a calm breeze...

While I had 18... what a bummer. People I thought were my friends actually weren't, my mom spend the whole day gathering some food to have a lil' reunion with 'em, but just 2 of them showed that day, and I keep 'em gratefully on my memory 'cause of that solidarity act... maybe they felt sorry for me but anyways. I don't blame the ones who didn't show, I sort of understand 'em, hangin' with the "not popular" kid wasn't the best thing a teenager could do, you know because of the status and all that thing... Since that day I wanted this day for me only, I mean, just me and no one else.

Oh, and one of my sisters made up a cruel joke 'cause, I was in my room doing nothing, and in order to get me downstairs she said "Carlos, María José te busca". I sort of ran downstairs, but there was no one. My sister laughed like hell, and I gave her the finger.

For those who don't know (Everyone in fact) María José is the name of a girl I liked back then, a lot. She happened to be the niece of one of my neighbours, a good ol' lady called Yolanda, who we call Yoli.

One day she introduced me to her - I said one day in a joke way, "Ey miss, is it true that you have a very beautiful niece?" and she said "Yeah, you want to know her?" and I said "Sure, why not". Obviously, it was all a joke but one day she rang my door and told me "Hey, my niece is here to meet you" and I was like "What the... !?".

We used to talk a lot, through MSN and by the phone, but then we stopped doing so, maybe 'cause she realised I liked her, and she had boyfriend at the time, although sometimes she told me that she liked the way I was... Last time I saw her was like, 2 or 3 years ago, but I was sort of angry while I saw her... 'cause my ol' dog Clay was attacked by another dog, and I took my dog on my arms like wanting to destroy the motherfucker dog... and I was angry, really angry... she saw me and said something like "Oh what a nice dog...", looked at me and obviously recognised me, but I didn't, I was so pissed off, that I realised it was her late at night. She was still in my neighbour's house, but I was so stupid back then, that I just continued doing nothing. She looked so beautiful. But this is old news anyway...

While I had 21... Funny situation. I was doing some college work 'cause, at the time I had a very "funny" teacher who always wanted to break our goddamn ass by sending us loads of work, I mean it, LOADS of work... they seemed to be eternal! I was on a college classmate's house, with some other people also, and one of them, who happens to be my best friend nowadays, knew that I was having 21. I wanted to go unnoticed that day but somehow, my friend spread the word that I was having 21. And obviously, everyone came in and said "Happy Birthday". That was odd...

While I had 23... That day I started to hear the blues, by the hand of someone I admire greatly nowadays... John Lee Hooker. First song I heard was "It serves me right to suffer".



I spent the whole day outside my house, I wanted to be on my own, but I took my cellphone just in case my mom called me or someone else. And that's what happened, mom called and friends, and all that... it was quite cool 'cause we had this steak made and all my family (meaning, my mom, dad and my sisters) were together with me. That was really cool.

My best friend gave me a Jack Daniels' bottle, we drank it and I came back home totally burned up, ha ha... I had to keep playing Iron Maiden on my music player to stay awake during the bus ride... But it was really cool. :) Thanks bro! And one of my sisters gave me this funny lil' guitar... that she bought in her trip to Peru. Damn, I'll miss her today.

While I had 24... to be honest I don't remember anything 'bout that day...



Maybe, I'm not the man people want
Maybe, I'm a twisted soul...
Maybe, I'm the Island, I prove the philosopher wrong
But I'm me, and I always will..

25, and there's so much more...

In loving Memory...

July 2, 2005: There is Hope
I was 20 back then...



I thought there was no hope, but there was again... Pink Floyd reunited once more, and played the best music no one played in years. Not to dismiss the effords of Velvet Revolver, which is another band I like a lot, but Pink Floyd is Pink Floyd.

And I was happy, 'cause maybe my heroes, would be together again...

July 8, 2006: The Dominoes crumbled
I was 21 back then...



Syd Barret, the main force behind the early Pink Floyd, died because of something related with diabetes. And how strange, it was almost a year after his former bandmates reunited... The whole music community is shocked, specially we Floyd fans.


September 15, 2008: The skies wanted an Orchestra Director.
I was 23 back then...



Almost a month before my birthday, I was already setting the countdown to October 17th. Not that I threw a big party or something, I personally don't like either 'cause I am not used to it, or 'cause the last gathering I offered for my party, no one of my "friends" went, I have no clue.

I remember being tired, exhausted from a hard college day, and its fucking things, and its fucking teachers... As usual, I started up my PC, to check some stuff, Facebook maybe, and one of my friends had something that said something 'bout Richard Wright. So I quickly googled it, and I realised that Richard Wright died of cancer.

I was sad... I still am, 'cause I always thought that Richard was a key factor in Floyd's sound, since I started hearin' them. First thing I heard of Floyd, while I was 19, was Dark Side of the Moon, I believe it was Fate that put that album near my hands, otherwise I will be still playing a thousand notes per minute on my guitar, doing the same old song and dance that millions of guitar players do nowadays.

September 14, 2009
I'm 24 years old...

I was getting ready to somehow, honor Richard Wright, spending the whole day hearing just Floyd, and in the end just hear the album Broken China. That's the latest musical statement Richard made before dyin', what a great album. It has a great message and vibe... I was also sort of angry, I just had some incident with some lady I liked, but now I can't see her...

Nothing happened between the two of us, and nothing will happen... 'cause she finally showed how she is. But that's not the point...

September 15, 2009: Only the good die young...
I'm still 24 years old...

I was on the Metrovia bus, sitting hearing some Floyd, on my way to lift some weights... Mondays are usually good for me at gym, 'cause my stamina is high usually the first day of the week. By accident, I read something 'bout a double murderer, mother and daughter killed... and raped. Depression and anger arised at no time, I felt really sorry for the victims, specially for the young girl...

It seems, that I am one of those few human beings left who feel the sadness and anger mixed together, and also, that somehow feel related with someone they have no clue. It's exactly what happened to me with this girl... I keep thinkin' "My God, this isn't fair, she was just 21... why, why would she die this horrible and non-sense way?" I was so angry, that I even blamed the murderer, whoever he is, and his stupid reasons to do such thing, to rape a girl and kill her stabbing with no mercy, feeling powerful over an innocent disarmed.



Now I'm looking at her picture. She was beautiful...

This post is in loving memory of all the heroes fallen, and the innocent killed.

A month learning the Iron Philosophy...

"A strong body provides strong thoughts"

As part of a self therapy (I say self 'cause I wanted to do so), one month ago I started to lift weights. Usually, the main reasons people go to a gym are either, for competition, to impress and meet girls, or just to be well with themselves.

The first time I went to a gym I was 19 or something like that, but I'm pretty sure that while I went there back then I hadn't the right focus or motivation. I'm gonna be honest, I went there to just gain more muscle so I could impress the ladies. Neither of the two things happened, 'cause later on I dropped the gym, being the main reason the lack of motivation.

Not much ago I heard that while you work out, your body liberates this weird thing called endorphins, which is a compound that causes every single human being to feel "happy" at some point.

Realising my constant situation of being most of the times sad, and depressed, and - a recently acquired feeling - angry, and also 'cause I've gained some weight and I was feeling flabby, I decided to join again.

But this time the motivation was different. The motivation was me, just to compete with me, to see what I'm made off, to see if I could persevere, or just quit like everyone else does.

It seems that the process of go through the Iron teachings wasn't gonna be easy. I already know * somehow by experience * that the things that really are valuable, are hard to get and go for. The day I wanted to register, I almost didn't 'cause of some weird rule, but I managed my way to finally getting what I wanted. Join.

First week was a pain in the ass. The first day, I couldn't move my arm at all, and I even couldn't play the guitar - That sort of worried me 'cause, playing guitar is what keeps me alive -. I had to buy this weird thing athletes use to "relax" the muscles.

Second week was still being a pain in the ass, but I knew that it's part of the process. All learnings in life are just like that, sometimes easy, sometimes painful, sometimes you need to take a deep breath and take all the weight over you.

I admit that somehow I needed/still need help, some excercises are really challenging, specially while you're just starting. But once again, all learning is just like that, and once again I remember, what I went through my guitar classes. To master patience and be humble.

Yes, being humble. It's easy to feel like intimidated, or just want to go on "competition" mood while you see the other guys lifting weigths heavier than yours, but that's when ego breaks in, once you managed to somehow control it, you're you and the pounds you gotta lift. That's the only thing that matters at the moment.

Henry Rollins once said that sometimes, random thoughts pull of while you're lifting weights, ranging from "What I'm gonna do tomorrow", and even thinking in someone, like the woman you like.

It's true. Since it's a challenging "moment", usually in the human experience you tend to remember all the things you've been through, all the people you've met, all the opportunities you let go. It's like your mind starts to work like it never worked, trying to either, confuse you or give you more reasons to push your senses out (Like Rollins say in his song "Starve").

While I was in my third week, I started to think more 'bout the woman I liked. Every time the weight bar was over me, and I seemed like 'bout to implode, her image just appeared in my head. I managed somehow to lift the bar one more time, but my arm was like "Jeez... take a break!".

While I was in my fourth week, that is, a month since I started to lift weights. Her image started to vanish... She dissapointed me big time, I don't blame her for being the way she is.

Somehow, I saw it coming...

But, as the image vanished, my strength arose.

Some things have changed inside my mind... I must admit. Some others, just became more stronger, just like my body is getting nowadays. But what's most important, I'm learning to push my senses out...



"The iron never lies to you... People come and go... but 100 pounds are always 100 pounds"


* To my friend Alejandro, thanks for being an inspiration man, and also 'cause through you I've met Black Flag and Henry Rollins' philosophy. *

Ramblin' on my mind...

Nothing Really Matters... anyone can see... Nothing Really Matters... to me

Another page on my dull book.

I took the decision to stop talking with people, since I've got so much ramblin' on my mind... I don't want to bother no one with my anger and negativity. I don't want to be the messenger of chaos, doom, and despair. I don't believe in the myth of "A shared pain makes it less heavy". It's just sick, nonsense, egotistical, and not fair with the people I sort of care 'bout.

Instead... I'll keep writing. Words don't kill no one. They're just the way I express myself.

Words keep resonating in my head. One day, angry, frustrated and sad I told my mom that it's really getting harder and harder to live through this life, it's not that I discovered hot water, but to make such an affirmation with such sad conviction in front of your sick mother is quite disturbing. All she said was "I am really sorry I brought you to this world to suffer".

All I could say to her was... "It's not your fault". And, well... yeah, you know I keep telling to myself that thing "I was born for a reason". I am about to believe that it's just a lie I made up for myself to just carry on and not take a gun and place it next to my head... Maybe the effords I'm making are just plain vane, 'cause all I touch turns into sand, salt, and vanishes in the wind...

Or maybe they don't.

I'm clearly mind-sick at this moment. I am so tired of the way people behave and continue behaving, yes, you will say "If you want to change people then change yourself". I say to all of you who read this, I have changed myself so many times that I lost the count. I always seek for light, for redemption, for peace of mind, for calmness and why not, like all of us human beings, happiness. But all of them seem to move over and over... Now I feel like a blind man chasing the sunrise...

I really feel sad, really sad. So sad that I can't cry, it's this sort of sadness with anger, that keeps you wondering "Why?"... that keeps you wondering if God is playing with you like if you were a marionette... I am even starting to sound - like my mom says - "heretic", I formerly believed in God, I still do but, honestly I don't see why this damn things keep happening to me... Is it a test? I don't asked to be a goddamn saint, I don't have the ammount of submission those people had * I deeply respect them though * and all that, I just keep wondering, WHY. Yes, with capitol letters, WHY.

Yeah... maybe my life is the ant farm, and God is the kid playing with it. If such analogy makes sense anyway...And my friends tell me to remain optimistic...And they tell me to think way more possitive...

Yeah, like I do enjoy being negative...

My 25th birthday is getting near, and I feel like I've acomplished nothing. All the music plans I've got, still seem far away, I feel trapped in this jail called home, I feel more than ever alone, really alone, with no one to share a word. It's getting bigger and bigger, every day, but some twisted voice, maybe the voice of a guardian angel or a wanderer ghost is telling me to carry on. I am trying my best... but I don't know how much longer I would resist.

I know there's no such thing like a suicide solution. In fact that would be more of a problem, and if it's a solution, would be an egotistical one, since I'll be finishing with my life to just get rid of my problems, but what 'bout my family, specially my mother... I can't do that to her, and I never will. I've been through a lot of things in my life... I still don't see the reason why, but anyway...

Hope is different for each one of us...

And well... I don't believe in destiny, I believe in me.

Loneliness, Solitude... call it the way you want.

There it comes, the subject that no one likes to talk 'bout, the one everyone is afraid of, the one everyone hopes doesn't touch them... The subject that, in my personal opinion is more feared than death itself. It's called loneliness... and also solitude.

I put an open question here... for whoever reads this blog...

Do you really know what loneliness is?
- Whatever your answer is, I don't mind... just keep it for yourself -

I will put my answer to my own question here...

I can tell I know what it is... Sometimes we humans misinterpret loneliness with solitude or with being single, which is the most common thing that happens, specially with girls. Loneliness is not just a feeling, but a state, of being somewhat trapped, in a crossroad, confused... and over all, alone, even if people surrounds you, no matter if this people are friends, your parents, your brothers or sisters, whatever... I think it's more a mind state/situation rather than a decision.

Yeah, there's people who choose to be a deliberate loner, but even those who choose this lifestyle, know that it ain't healthy or, much less, good. No one, and I seriously and honestly mean it, deserves to be alone, even the worst of the delinquents (who funnily enough, most of the time aren't alone, they end up alone while all of their theft plans and money go away, but hey, that's a common trait in we humans isn't it? Once the Power and the hand that feeds is away, so are we).

As you turn on the T.V. and you see this "so fine" looking people tellin' that they're alone, I think they're wrong. I think they just want someone to hook up with someone and make notice, to get attention (They already have it 'cause of the single fact they're on T.V.), I don't know... It just, bothers me... and it's like an insult and also some sort of cruelty, whereas they spit in your face how important is when "they" feel alone. Maybe I'm goin' way too much agressive with this particular sort of people, but to me the life of the "privileged and rich and famous" doesn't mean a thing for me. Too bad a lot of people spent part of their lives watching other's lives and desiring to be like some sort of Paris Hilton, Cristiano Ronaldo, whatever...



- Look at her eyes and tell me... Does she feel lonely, or does she feel single? Maybe both?-

There's also the dark side of loneliness. Have you ever heard of the fellas who, take a gun, load it up, and go out with the motto kill 'em all just for fun, revenge or whatever reason? Believe it or not, this single things happen, and will continue happening, as long as we humans don't learn how to live with people who's either, like us (meaning they have a similar mindset) or different. And while I mean different, I mean it... not just people who pretends to be different. We all were born unique, but sometimes there are cases that people just wants to look "odd" and to me, that's such a sad thing, why won't you bother being yourself. And don't come to me tellin' me that you're like that... 'cause you know you ain't. I know you, I was like you once... but I set myself free... and I'm still doing it.

So anyway, why people keep sayin' they are "alone" or they feel "alone". I am 100% sure that they feel single, rather than feelin' alone. Feelin' alone is not just missing someone you wish you were with... Feelin' alone is not just staring at the dance floor and dance with yourself... Feelin' alone is not whisperin' for the perfect match... Maybe I'm wrong, but since this is my blog, I am being sincere... and posting what I think.

Loneliness always have an starting point, which seems to replicate over time. Rejection...
And it depends of how we react against rejection or, how we know how to lose, that determines how complicated loneliness and solitude could be.

I'm gonna share somethin' with you ...
It's a piece of my life, just a piece not all of it...





- /I went down to the crossroad...fell down on my knees/ -

Through my 24 years of existance, since the day I was born, I was born to suffer. Or at least I think so. While I was born, doctors prescribed that I wouldn't live more than a year, 'cause the doctors detected that my heart had a hole (small but big enough to kill me in a second) in one of the blood conductors. My mother after I was born went to surgery, she bled a lot... and her life was endangered since the moment she got pregnant, 'cause while I was being formed in her utero, she was 36, and while a woman got pregnant in her late thirties, is considered a high-risk pregnancy, where one of the involved (baby or mother) dies.

So I survived, my mom did so too. She's a strong woman. She always have been.

But my life was overshadowed by the heart disease I had... and always had to go to the doctor at the minimal sign of sickness. And it bothered me at some point, 'cause I couldn't play like the other kids of my age did. So I started to find shelter in a lot of things, such as drawing, and riding my bike specially in winter, where the rain falls. I liked to feel the rain drops over my head, riding my bike, most of the time alone... although there were few weeks that some other kids joined me, since I was very skilled with my bike, and liked to drive it fast... Speed was some sort of catharsis for me back then...

I was a kid, but I really felt alone. Even with my older sisters surrounding me, and my parents giving me kudos for my academic response. Whatever... I was feeling alone, and I felt much alone when my mother took under her wing another person's son, and took him to live in my house... That was the worst part of my life. I wanted my mom for me, not for someone else.



- Look at that Lone Gun Man face I have -

In school I was a happy fella, most of the time, but it's quite funny, I was 'till someone pointed out that I needed lenses. It's amazing how among children the prejudice is so high, or was back then, that the moment I put a couple of glasses in my head, everything changed, and started gettin' darker... instead of seeing things "bright" I started to see 'em distorted. It was way too much for my 8 yr. old mind...

Fortunately, something that changed my life for good happened.

One of my sisters, carryin' on her tradition of force me to learn new things (among them were chess, reading a lot of books and a lot of things in the name of "I want for you the things I didn't have") asked a friend of hers who happened to be a music teacher if it was possible to take me under her wing. So she accepted.

I reluctantly went and well, after months I ended up loving the damn thing. The classes were mostly on Saturdays, and they were sort of fun, there were more kids (boys and girls) there but I rarely talked to them, at the time I really was used to be isolated... so usually I spent the break time practicing my music things.

For the first time I found some relief for my anger and loneliness, specially in the music of the great Ludwig Van Beethoven.



-Somehow, Ludwig's music convey what I dream about... A better world... -



-2nd part of this piece. The first I heard from Ludwig. -

While I was 10 I switched to guitar, and once again I felt less lonely, usually while you pick your guitar you think you're gonna be the ladies man, but that wasn't my case. Since I picked it up, I knew that I will aim for making my own music and not just play other people's music, which is the usual thing here, there and everywhere. And chicks fall for guys who play "love songs" for them. I ain't a "love songs" player. I play what I want... that's all.

In highschool I experienced great periods of loneliness, since this was another deal completely different from school, and also there were the so-called "groups" with a leader, how I despise such things, and at a time I started to be bullied, to the point I had a nervous breakdown. I even thought of suicide...

But there it was... hangin' on my bedroom wall, my guitar. So I took it and since then I sort of drive my demons away through it, loneliness included.

I always wondered how fucked up life could be, since it rewards the snakes and punishes some kindred good spirits. We all have been part of any of those two bands, but anyway... I guess I'm goin' crazy.



- My doctor prescribed me... milk, cream and alcohol... alcohol -

I really feel sorry for the boys and girls who have been and will be bullied. 'cause, in the future they could become part of the news, some sort of twisted killer, like Chapman and this Asian fellas who shot at their classmates... I hope they find something that helps 'em to fight themselves... and their demons, as I found my voice through music (and now, writting. Words don't kill no one...)

I really feel sorry for everyone who says is lonely, but you people should think what you say, 'cause what you say is what you ultimately become. If you want to feel a slow-motioned pain, keep telling yourselves you're lonely, and you'll get it. If you say that you're alone just because you don't have a bf. or gf. think for a moment, shut up your mouth, and reconsider saying it like "I feel single". That suits your situation better.

My name it means nothing
My fortune is less
My future is shrouded in dark wilderness
Sunshine is far away, clouds linger on
Everything I posessed - now they are gone

Oh where can I go to and what can I do?
Nothing can please me only thoughts are of you
You just laughed when I begged you to stay
Ive not stopped crying since you went away

The world is a lonely place - youre on your own
Guess I will go home - sit down and moan.
Crying and thinking is all that I do
Memories I have remind me of you

- Look at those eyes, and tell me... Does she feel alone? -

I know I'm alone though...

Even the most beautiful of swans, is afraid of being alone.