Nothing Really Matters... anyone can see... Nothing Really Matters... to me
Another page on my dull book.
I took the decision to stop talking with people, since I've got so much ramblin' on my mind... I don't want to bother no one with my anger and negativity. I don't want to be the messenger of chaos, doom, and despair. I don't believe in the myth of "A shared pain makes it less heavy". It's just sick, nonsense, egotistical, and not fair with the people I sort of care 'bout.
Instead... I'll keep writing. Words don't kill no one. They're just the way I express myself.
Words keep resonating in my head. One day, angry, frustrated and sad I told my mom that it's really getting harder and harder to live through this life, it's not that I discovered hot water, but to make such an affirmation with such sad conviction in front of your sick mother is quite disturbing. All she said was "I am really sorry I brought you to this world to suffer".
All I could say to her was... "It's not your fault". And, well... yeah, you know I keep telling to myself that thing "I was born for a reason". I am about to believe that it's just a lie I made up for myself to just carry on and not take a gun and place it next to my head... Maybe the effords I'm making are just plain vane, 'cause all I touch turns into sand, salt, and vanishes in the wind...
Or maybe they don't.
I'm clearly mind-sick at this moment. I am so tired of the way people behave and continue behaving, yes, you will say "If you want to change people then change yourself". I say to all of you who read this, I have changed myself so many times that I lost the count. I always seek for light, for redemption, for peace of mind, for calmness and why not, like all of us human beings, happiness. But all of them seem to move over and over... Now I feel like a blind man chasing the sunrise...
I really feel sad, really sad. So sad that I can't cry, it's this sort of sadness with anger, that keeps you wondering "Why?"... that keeps you wondering if God is playing with you like if you were a marionette... I am even starting to sound - like my mom says - "heretic", I formerly believed in God, I still do but, honestly I don't see why this damn things keep happening to me... Is it a test? I don't asked to be a goddamn saint, I don't have the ammount of submission those people had * I deeply respect them though * and all that, I just keep wondering, WHY. Yes, with capitol letters, WHY.
Yeah... maybe my life is the ant farm, and God is the kid playing with it. If such analogy makes sense anyway...And my friends tell me to remain optimistic...And they tell me to think way more possitive...
Yeah, like I do enjoy being negative...
My 25th birthday is getting near, and I feel like I've acomplished nothing. All the music plans I've got, still seem far away, I feel trapped in this jail called home, I feel more than ever alone, really alone, with no one to share a word. It's getting bigger and bigger, every day, but some twisted voice, maybe the voice of a guardian angel or a wanderer ghost is telling me to carry on. I am trying my best... but I don't know how much longer I would resist.
I know there's no such thing like a suicide solution. In fact that would be more of a problem, and if it's a solution, would be an egotistical one, since I'll be finishing with my life to just get rid of my problems, but what 'bout my family, specially my mother... I can't do that to her, and I never will. I've been through a lot of things in my life... I still don't see the reason why, but anyway...
Hope is different for each one of us...
And well... I don't believe in destiny, I believe in me.
There it comes, the subject that no one likes to talk 'bout, the one everyone is afraid of, the one everyone hopes doesn't touch them... The subject that, in my personal opinion is more feared than death itself. It's called loneliness... and also solitude.
I put an open question here... for whoever reads this blog...
Do you really know what loneliness is? - Whatever your answer is, I don't mind... just keep it for yourself -
I will put my answer to my own question here...
I can tell I know what it is... Sometimes we humans misinterpret loneliness with solitude or with being single, which is the most common thing that happens, specially with girls. Loneliness is not just a feeling, but a state, of being somewhat trapped, in a crossroad, confused... and over all, alone, even if people surrounds you, no matter if this people are friends, your parents, your brothers or sisters, whatever... I think it's more a mind state/situation rather than a decision.
Yeah, there's people who choose to be a deliberate loner, but even those who choose this lifestyle, know that it ain't healthy or, much less, good. No one, and I seriously and honestly mean it, deserves to be alone, even the worst of the delinquents (who funnily enough, most of the time aren't alone, they end up alone while all of their theft plans and money go away, but hey, that's a common trait in we humans isn't it? Once the Power and the hand that feeds is away, so are we).
As you turn on the T.V. and you see this "so fine" looking people tellin' that they're alone, I think they're wrong. I think they just want someone to hook up with someone and make notice, to get attention (They already have it 'cause of the single fact they're on T.V.), I don't know... It just, bothers me... and it's like an insult and also some sort of cruelty, whereas they spit in your face how important is when "they" feel alone. Maybe I'm goin' way too much agressive with this particular sort of people, but to me the life of the "privileged and rich and famous" doesn't mean a thing for me. Too bad a lot of people spent part of their lives watching other's lives and desiring to be like some sort of Paris Hilton, Cristiano Ronaldo, whatever...
- Look at her eyes and tell me... Does she feel lonely, or does she feel single? Maybe both?-
There's also the dark side of loneliness. Have you ever heard of the fellas who, take a gun, load it up, and go out with the motto kill 'em all just for fun, revenge or whatever reason? Believe it or not, this single things happen, and will continue happening, as long as we humans don't learn how to live with people who's either, like us (meaning they have a similar mindset) or different. And while I mean different, I mean it... not just people who pretends to be different. We all were born unique, but sometimes there are cases that people just wants to look "odd" and to me, that's such a sad thing, why won't you bother being yourself. And don't come to me tellin' me that you're like that... 'cause you know you ain't. I know you, I was like you once... but I set myself free... and I'm still doing it.
So anyway, why people keep sayin' they are "alone" or they feel "alone". I am 100% sure that they feel single, rather than feelin' alone. Feelin' alone is not just missing someone you wish you were with... Feelin' alone is not just staring at the dance floor and dance with yourself... Feelin' alone is not whisperin' for the perfect match... Maybe I'm wrong, but since this is my blog, I am being sincere... and posting what I think.
Loneliness always have an starting point, which seems to replicate over time. Rejection... And it depends of how we react against rejection or, how we know how to lose, that determines how complicated loneliness and solitude could be.
I'm gonna share somethin' with you ... It's a piece of my life, just a piece not all of it...
- /I went down to the crossroad...fell down on my knees/ -
Through my 24 years of existance, since the day I was born, I was born to suffer. Or at least I think so. While I was born, doctors prescribed that I wouldn't live more than a year, 'cause the doctors detected that my heart had a hole (small but big enough to kill me in a second) in one of the blood conductors. My mother after I was born went to surgery, she bled a lot... and her life was endangered since the moment she got pregnant, 'cause while I was being formed in her utero, she was 36, and while a woman got pregnant in her late thirties, is considered a high-risk pregnancy, where one of the involved (baby or mother) dies.
So I survived, my mom did so too. She's a strong woman. She always have been.
But my life was overshadowed by the heart disease I had... and always had to go to the doctor at the minimal sign of sickness. And it bothered me at some point, 'cause I couldn't play like the other kids of my age did. So I started to find shelter in a lot of things, such as drawing, and riding my bike specially in winter, where the rain falls. I liked to feel the rain drops over my head, riding my bike, most of the time alone... although there were few weeks that some other kids joined me, since I was very skilled with my bike, and liked to drive it fast... Speed was some sort of catharsis for me back then...
I was a kid, but I really felt alone. Even with my older sisters surrounding me, and my parents giving me kudos for my academic response. Whatever... I was feeling alone, and I felt much alone when my mother took under her wing another person's son, and took him to live in my house... That was the worst part of my life. I wanted my mom for me, not for someone else.
- Look at that Lone Gun Man face I have -
In school I was a happy fella, most of the time, but it's quite funny, I was 'till someone pointed out that I needed lenses. It's amazing how among children the prejudice is so high, or was back then, that the moment I put a couple of glasses in my head, everything changed, and started gettin' darker... instead of seeing things "bright" I started to see 'em distorted. It was way too much for my 8 yr. old mind...
Fortunately, something that changed my life for good happened.
One of my sisters, carryin' on her tradition of force me to learn new things (among them were chess, reading a lot of books and a lot of things in the name of "I want for you the things I didn't have") asked a friend of hers who happened to be a music teacher if it was possible to take me under her wing. So she accepted.
I reluctantly went and well, after months I ended up loving the damn thing. The classes were mostly on Saturdays, and they were sort of fun, there were more kids (boys and girls) there but I rarely talked to them, at the time I really was used to be isolated... so usually I spent the break time practicing my music things.
For the first time I found some relief for my anger and loneliness, specially in the music of the great Ludwig Van Beethoven.
-Somehow, Ludwig's music convey what I dream about... A better world... -
-2nd part of this piece. The first I heard from Ludwig. -
While I was 10 I switched to guitar, and once again I felt less lonely, usually while you pick your guitar you think you're gonna be the ladies man, but that wasn't my case. Since I picked it up, I knew that I will aim for making my own music and not just play other people's music, which is the usual thing here, there and everywhere. And chicks fall for guys who play "love songs" for them. I ain't a "love songs" player. I play what I want... that's all.
In highschool I experienced great periods of loneliness, since this was another deal completely different from school, and also there were the so-called "groups" with a leader, how I despise such things, and at a time I started to be bullied, to the point I had a nervous breakdown. I even thought of suicide...
But there it was... hangin' on my bedroom wall, my guitar. So I took it and since then I sort of drive my demons away through it, loneliness included.
I always wondered how fucked up life could be, since it rewards the snakes and punishes some kindred good spirits. We all have been part of any of those two bands, but anyway... I guess I'm goin' crazy.
- My doctor prescribed me... milk, cream and alcohol... alcohol -
I really feel sorry for the boys and girls who have been and will be bullied. 'cause, in the future they could become part of the news, some sort of twisted killer, like Chapman and this Asian fellas who shot at their classmates... I hope they find something that helps 'em to fight themselves... and their demons, as I found my voice through music (and now, writting. Words don't kill no one...)
I really feel sorry for everyone who says is lonely, but you people should think what you say, 'cause what you say is what you ultimately become. If you want to feel a slow-motioned pain, keep telling yourselves you're lonely, and you'll get it. If you say that you're alone just because you don't have a bf. or gf. think for a moment, shut up your mouth, and reconsider saying it like "I feel single". That suits your situation better.
My name it means nothing My fortune is less My future is shrouded in dark wilderness Sunshine is far away, clouds linger on Everything I posessed - now they are gone
Oh where can I go to and what can I do? Nothing can please me only thoughts are of you You just laughed when I begged you to stay Ive not stopped crying since you went away
The world is a lonely place - youre on your own Guess I will go home - sit down and moan. Crying and thinking is all that I do Memories I have remind me of you
- Look at those eyes, and tell me... Does she feel alone? -
I know I'm alone though...
Even the most beautiful of swans, is afraid of being alone.
Months ago, next to my house arrived a syberian husky. From all the races of dogs, this particular one is my favourite, since this dogs reflect a lot in their eyes. They can say actually a lot, with just lookin' at ya...
Thing is, I liked this syberian husky, while it was smaller it was kept inside my neighbour's house, but as soon as it started growing, it was sent to the outside. So, let's say I met my syberian friend while she *it's a female dog* was sort of big.
It's amazing how an animal could teach us a lot of things. While you're in front of a nature creature, you can't fool around with mind games, words, and all that as we do while communicating with humans. With animals is different. All you got to communicate with them, in some deep level, is your eyes. You can use your voice too, but the thing is animals can't talk.
So anyway, since the beginning my syberian *adopted* pet and I had a mutual understanding, somehow I reflected in her. Specially while we look into each other. It's like, in another life I was a Wolf, and she was my sister, or my mother. I can sense even how she feels, most of the time I can tell she feels lonely and sad.
It's quite logical, I mean while you got a pet, it's not just an animal, it somehow becomes part of your family, 'cause he/she is leaving his/her mother very little, days or a couple o' months after being born, and as far as I know, every living creature has feelings of family, nurturing and protection, up to a certain point where they run on their own.
So anyway, it's been 3 months since my syberian friend arrived next to my house. Every day I come from work, tired as hell and somehow, down sometimes, my friend is expecting me to arrive, and it cheers me up. A creature of nature is happy 'cause I went back home, it's like she is my animal mother. She is standing still waiting for me to appear in the horizon, and after I'm at home, she rests.
One day I decided to gave a name to my Syberian friend, and... well I went out with the name of Shiva, 'cause, of the loyalty my animal friend shows me every day...
Every single day I see my animal friend I tell her this, it's like some sort of prayer, in a Sioux-esque sort of mood. - Sioux had a lot of respect for animals -
"One day, together we'll run free In the green, infinite fields, Again, our wild nature won't be caged Again, Again... Oh great Father Wolf, take care of us... From the skies... from the skies..."
