Lucid Dreams, Nightmares...

It's kind of amazing, how some themes are somewhat connected with rock n' roll music, like the battles between the good and the evil, dreams and nightmares, out-of-the-world experiences, the divine and pagan, eternal freedom or slavery, heaven and hell, the history of the world, etc...

I haven't seen such variety in any other musical genre. You can't tell the same thing 'bout other music forms, like country which is only 'bout the love stories, or blues which is 'bout love stories too but, more in a mellow way, or even jazz where its complexity makes it somewhat hard to understand.

Recently I started to experience some sort of weird things. Well, not started but, experience them more frequently... Particularly the experiences of being out of your body, and seeing yourself... like sort of dead. But you ain't dead, you're alive, but your soul isn't in your body...

This kind of things aren't felt by everyone, but could be experienced by everyone. I'm just trying to find answer to my questions, and as far as I know, this kind of events always leave you a lesson, something to learn from... something to realise 'bout the fragility of your mortal nature.

The same happen with your dreams... and nightmares. Some of Us people have nice dreams, dreams of sunny days on a friday afternoon, walking through the beach.... sitting in the sand... whereas, some of us have symbolic dreams, the ones you got to decode the message in order to get the real meaning behind 'em, and some of us have nightmares... which also contain some sort of message, but we gotta be sort of brave to get the message that is trying to be communicated to you.

Sometimes it is really hard to understand the language of the subconscious...but you gotta learn how to understand it... otherwise, you'll miss a lot of stuff that could help you.



All my hopes and expectations, looking for an explanation
Have I found my destination? I just can't take no more
The dream is true, the dream is true
The dream is true, the dream is true

Just a perfect day...

* Music heals what bullets made of words and nonsense do... *

Just a perfect day,
Drink Sangria in the park,
And then later, when it gets dark,
We go home.
Just a perfect day,
Feed animals in the zoo
Then later, a movie, too,
And then home.

Oh it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on.

Just a perfect day,
Problems all left alone,
Weekenders on our own.
It's such fun.
Just a perfect day,
You made me forget myself.
I thought I was someone else,
Someone good.

Oh it's such a perfect day,
I'm glad I spent it with you.
Oh such a perfect day,
You just keep me hanging on,
You just keep me hanging on.

You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow,
You're going to reap just what you sow...

June 15th...

June 15th, 1951. One of my new fond musical heroes and influences, Steve Walsh, was born.
June 15th, 1975. My stepsister, Solange, who is a key person in my life, was born.

There are things that keep changin' as you keep growing, becoming an adult, and learning how to be a man. Some experiences are painful, some others are full of joy, whereas some others just, keep being null and void. Unless you want 'em to change. It's all in the mind.

Today it was supposed to be a great day. As I was used all my 24 years of short existance, we would have some sort of food feist with my family, 'cause it was my sister's birthday. Actually in every birthday that's the way it was supposed to be, unfortunately, the wheel of fortune kept rolling, and so the money, which is somewhat difficult to find nowadays, specially in the country I live in.

We would sit 'round the table, have a good laugh, and all that. I just remembered something... Nothing lasts forever, but the earth and sky...

It's been a though time for me, without my stepsister on my side, joking, talking, hearing me talking 'bout my "Quijote" attitude towards ladies (A reason why I have failed an awful lot in the past) and all that. It's been 3 months exactly, since she left home... It's been 3 months since the only person in the world who cared 'bout me, my dreams and hopes, is gone, since she decided to keep no contact with me and my family, and all that... for something she thinks is love.

I am no one to judge women, but every day I understand them less... * You read it * and, maybe I'm not alone at all...

It's been a though time for me, without my stepsister on my side... A day that was supposed of joy, turned down as being very, low key. Despite all the things goin' around me, the chance to get a job, my improvement on my social skills (where I have serious issues), and looking myself every day turning into a self made man... Despite all that, I felt lonely.

In fact, it just rained. Now I ain't sleeping well, neither my mom does. I understand her, the pain for her must be infinitesimal, 'cause she's my sister's mother. She says she doesn't care, but boy she does, any mother in the world will care 'bout her children, even if they are grown up adults. We'll always be the weakling babies they gave birth, in their eyes...

Sun didn't came out in the whole day, in fact, it just rained, rained, rained, rained, rained. And I went down, but my face showed a smile... what a contradiction.

Life's been hard lately for my family these days, for each one of us, in different ways.

But I just keep in mind this Kansas' song, which says in the end:

"Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever, but the earth and sky..."

A June 15th born, as my sister, just gave me back the hopes I've kept losing since my sister is gone...



Dust in the wind, Everything is Dust in the Wind

I don't understand, sir/madam...

My head is 'bout to exploit. People is boring me the hell out of my existance, I'm getting tired of their constant judgement, delicacy rants, and all that stupid bullshit we manage too goddamn well. With no reason...

I've got some words inside my head, they twist, they ramble, they fight between themselves, they cannot find peace. Neither can I, for now is the time I feel in some way the most vulnerable human being...

Some of you will say "Fuck you, stupid whinny-boy". I don't care.
Some of you will say "Fuck you, I know you better". I don't care.
Some of you will say "I'm streets-wise, you got lots of memory, and no reason". Yeah, that's right... I don't care.
Some of you will come to me, and ask for help... But who helps me?
Maybe now, I'm about to cross that line that divides sanity and insanity, I am not sure...

Every time I am on a situation like this, I feel like talking to no one. But at the same time I need desperately to get rid of all of this words rambling inside my head, whispering psychopatically that I'm useless, the smallest piece of the Universe's puzzle, the unheard paria, storyteller... whatever.

I've been there before, I've felt miserable countless times, I haven't cleaned the gun 'cause maybe I am way too goddamn coward to kill myself, maybe some part of me thinks that I'd go to hell (Well, Null and Void, that's what my life's been 'bout so far), or maybe there's this naive part of me, that keeps thinking that things WILL change one day... that some sort of deity will feel compassionate for my already miserable life and give me hope.

I just remembered the story of the eagle. I've heard it while I was on a college class (yeah, something useful came out from there...). It is said that eagles, while they reach a certain age, they have to go through a series of painful things, which isolate 'em from the world for like, 6 months or something like that. And after those 6 months of painful stuff, they're ready to live for 10 years more... That's the proof that nature is so goddamn wise, yeah, animals don't use computers and all this "nice" things we humans know how to manage, but they do surely know how to live through this life.

I had a dream, a very vivid one. And it showed me how things are right now at my home, how my family is feeling and all that. My dad and mom are goin' through a rough time... For my mom's harder, since she's got this fucking disease that is slowly mining her vitality. I admire her 'cause she doesn't give up that easy, and she's still fighting for her life. I guess I've got that "soldier" attitude from her, whereas my dad, who's more fragile, is in some way devastated. I've inherited that fragile nature as well.

That dual nature of me is what confuses people, but what can I do. It's me, totally me, and since I was born under the sign of Libra, on a dark tuesday morning, on October 17, 1984, I'm really prone to be balanced and unbalanced a lot of times. But boy, people don't understand such thing, which is completely normal in the human nature... And yeah, there we start to shoot the judgement, the words, the "I know you"s... Fuck no, they don't know me. I don't know 'em either, maybe I do, but what right do I have to tell someone I do know him/her?

I don't lie, I've told while I was a lil' fella that lies lead nowhere. How could I lie myself then... that's the most stupid statement someone could make 'bout me. I am so angry, deceptioned, and I even feel like betrayed... I've got my reasons, no one knows 'em, just a friend who I consider my brother of different mother...

My final words... read this: Watch your own heads, don't scrape me searching for my sins... 'cause your nature is as sinful, and imperfect as mine...



I shall be released...