So far, we're in the last month of this year. My home is a frenzy right now, you know, it seems like "Father Christmas" just threw up over my house, hundreds of dollars invested by my mother in her christmas things, it's so damn odd.
While I look at those things I promise myself not to have so much christmas things if I ever have a home. To me it doesn't have sense at all, 'cause it just stays out of the boxes 2 months only, in fact I find it hilarious. But anyway, we people have our ways to do things, spend money, and all sorts.
Anyway, that's not what I'm gonna write 'bout in this post. It's more towards something I've been thinking lately, on my way to college while I go to lift some weights.
I wonder how many times, we just stop for a minute, and be really, honestly thankfull for what we have.
In my personal experience, and up to the day I thought 'bout the being thankful thing, I barely thought 'bout those kind of things. Most of the time, my mind is like some sort of weird cloud, with thousands of ideas moving over and over... with tons of "Why?" "What if" and so on, not to mention images of people I've met, people who I've talked to, people who made me felt something, people that is gone now, etc.
Guess it's too hard to think 'bout being thankful when you're sort of a troubled soul... the most common thought is "Why should I say thanks?" you know, I know how it feels to have a clouded mind most of the time, feeling a shortage of words, and feeling like not talking to no one, even to your own family and friends.
You just want to stay away... I do know the feeling too.
Taking back what I've said before, while I wrote 'bout my first month lifting weights, when you face such things like weights, your mind set starts to change. And, I'm no exception of the rule. I dare to say that I've become somehow, way more introspective, but at the same time, and recently, I started to realise that most of my mindset about some things was (and still is) completely wrong.
Yes, I repeat, it was wrong. I was wrong... and maybe I'll continue doing things the wrong way 'cause I'm human, but that's not the point here.
Why the "Being Thankful" think started to grow in my mind?
One day I was sittin' on my brand new laptop (My older sis gave it to me as a Birthday gift), and she told me 'bout some message one of my cousins had as his personal message on Messenger. My mother, who was 'round, heard it and, out of the blue she said to my sister "Tell him that he's not alone, God is with Him".
Somehow I choked in a big loud laugh. I'm not an atheist, but I'm not too much religious either. The reaction of my mother was complete anger... Well, I do understand and I don't blame her... I sort of offended her, 'cause technically, I was laughin' at her and her thoughts of God, love, whatsover...
So anyway, as usual in me while I do somehow screw things up, I started dwelling on the idea my mom presented to my sister. And it led me to this idea... "Be thankful for what you've got, even if it's nothing"
I'd not say it was a "Revelation". I'd rather say that, it was like something new being set on my mind... And somehow, I felt some relief. After that, another thought came up, "Don't plan anymore, and you'll be less frustrated". That's two, two things being set on my mind...
The next morning, on my way to the gym, 6 AM, I thought:
"Dear God, whoever and wherever you are, thanks for what I've got. My family, my friends, for what I've have, for what I have not, for what I've been granted and for what I've been denied."
When you're into music, you're always finding (or at least trying) new musical ways of expression and forms. Like any other art, that's the way you master it. Experimenting, expanding, contracting, and once again, expanding.
Many of us musicians-to-be lack this "gung ho" sort of attitude required. Many of us don't. That's what made old school rock quite different than today's.
So anyway... today I'll gonna write 'bout one of my favourite bands. In the past I just talked 'bout the guitar player, but I kinda feel like I should write 'bout the band as well. The band name is King Crimson.
Formed in January 1969, Crimson is one of those bands you never get tired of listening (If you're really a true fan at least). In their beginnings, their sound was quite an adventurous mix of jazz, rock, and odd time signatures. At the time, no one have dared to play such things. The reference point for every musician in the U.K. who wanted to do something "progressive" was the Sgt. Pepper album created by The Beatles.
In fact, that was the album that encouraged a young man to explore the boundaries of dissonance, and chords. The name of this young man was Robert Fripp, who in first place had no band at all. At the time, he was more of an Economics college student at the time, helping his father with the business he ran. On the other hand, he had quite a formal training in guitar playing, and by the time he was in his late teens, had played in some orchestras as well... That's something you definitely don't see nowadays.
The chance that let Fripp start his musical endeavours came through an ad put by Michael and Peter Giles, who were seeking a singing organist. But, instead they found a non singing guitarist. They called themselves "The Cheerful Insanity of Giles, Giles and Fripp". Later on, more people joined the band, Ian McDonald, Pete Sinfield, and finally Greg Lake, and Peter Giles left. The classic lineup of King Crimson was ready on January 13, 1969.
The name King Crimson was coined by lyricist Peter Sinfield as a synonym for Beelzebub, the Prince of Demons. According to Fripp, Beelzebub would be an anglicised form of the Arabic phrase "B'il Sabab", meaning "the man with an aim" – although it literally means "with a cause"
In the Court of the Crimson King, is the first album released by the band. Described by some rock legends as uncanny masterpiece, this is the record that "sensitive ears" who were dwelling into psychodelic experiences were shocked with. It contains one of the most challenging music ever made by a band, comprised by people between 23 and 28 years old. It is AMAZING.
- From their Hyde Park performance.
Later on, this - to me is the best - lineup disbanded, due to Greg Lake's departure to form Emerson Lake and Palmer, and Michael Giles retirement from music. Although, they performed for the next album, called In the Wake of Poseidon. It's a great album, just like its predecessor, although many people saw it just like an "extension" of the debut release.
So, since then King Crimson went through a lot of lineup changes, where they released another albums that personally I don't like but anyway, they came back to a strong sound.
This lineup consisted of Bill Brufford, Jamie Muir, David Cross, John Wetton and of course, Robert Fripp. Robert Fripp is the "Architect" behind this band, actually.
The first album they released with this lineup was "Lark's Tongues in Aspic". A very beautiful album, it starts with an angry Lark's Tongues in Aspic part I, abrassive from start to end.
But this lineup, came to an end in 1974. That's the year when Robert Fripp called it quits, and Crimson released one of the most amazing songs ever made, the epic Starless...
- This song put an end to an era where Crimson was very driven by fiercy jazz rock and experimentation, opening the gate for another new and interesting era for the band...
In the 80's, the musical scene was dominated by New Wave. In the 80's the Crimson King came back, with a total different lineup. With the exception of Bill Bruford taking the role of drummer again, the rest were quite well known musicians. Adrian Belew, the soloist, played before with Frank Zappa, and Tony Levin, the bass player, plays with Peter Gabriel since his first solo album. A superband, you might say.
- Good Stuff, isn't it?
For a brief time, this was King Crimson's most stable lineup. In further versions, they added 2 people more to the band, creating what Fripp would call "The Double Trio Band"... and as usual, it surpassed any expectations of King Crimson's fans. The new additions to the band were Trey Gunn on Warr Guitars and Pat Mastelotto on percussions. This lineup brought more like an Industrial Crimson kind of sound, heavy but also quite heavenly.
Then, the power Trio just became a quartet, with the temporal departure of Tony Levin and Bill Bruford, leaving a more sonic escaping Crimson begin.
In any case, the story of this band is one of the most interesting ones amongst rock history. One that seems to never end... as long as his leader, Robert Fripp (who I deeply admire) is alive.
Thanks for teachin' us young people how innovative a rock band could be... Crimson King
The year 2004 was running already. Back then, sometimes I used to go to a friend's house who lived near my college. And as usual, he had some musical suggestion for me (And still has, which I believe is a really cool thing 'bout my friend).
So I was sitting there, as usual watching all the cool music posters he had, specially the ones of Nirvana, and Metallica. Suddenly in the middle of a Pantera and Metallica poster (With Jason Newsted, gosh I miss that bass player)... there was one quite particular. It said "Soundgarden", and showed 4 fellas with a "Don't look at me or I'll slice you in pieces" attitude.
Weird thing is that my friend, had this music on his player, and it was this band and he asked me to listen to 'em. And I was like "Shit, that's really cool!" sort of thing... well in my thoughts actually, 'cause I was quite a reserved person back then. The song playing was Spoonman (Which led me to find the Superunknown album later on, that was the first record I heard from Soundgarden).
Everything shocked me, from the guitar sounds, the drums, the bass (Yeah the bass!) and of course, the vocals of a name I haven't heard back then, Chris Cornell.
And it's funny, I also got the chance to get the Solo efford of Chris Cornell. Well, his firts solo record, called Euphoria Morning. Which, in my opinion is GREAT, from beginning to end. It does not sound like Soundgarden at all. It does sound like Chris Cornell.
The story of this man is quite amazing and at the same time, quite an example for everyone who wants to be in music. Back then I've got the chance to get a "CD Book" of Soundgarden, it's funny it costed me like $3 but it was worth it... Every time I was like "Fuck I'm going nowhere" I picked up that book and read it, and felt better.
- Back to Chris Cornell's. - The man used to study piano while he was a teenager, but then he switched to drums. Due to make a living, he even managed himself to be a cook, and it's a funny fact, while he was working in this restaurant he used to work, he was literally alone so, spent the time practising those magnificent screams that were his signature in Soundgarden, the band he formed part of later on.
In Soundgarden, Cornell was a beast, both on stage and off stage (while composing), his presence was more of like an old warrior going to battle with an axe on one hand and with a sword in another, yelling those amazing screams he's known for... Unfortunately, the band broke up in late 1997, putting an end to one of the most amazing bands of my generation.
Outside Soundgarden, you could tell that everything he touched (or ehm, sang as a matter of fact) was pure gold. One of the greatest things he also did was the tribute band to a fella he really appreciated, called Temple of the Dog. It was a supergroup (literally) formed by Chris, Matt Cameron, Stone Gossard, Mike McCready, Eddie Vedder and Jeff Ament. And well, he did paid tribute to his friend Andrew Wood. The music this band made was outstanding.
And he also collaborated with Alice in Chains in his SAP EP. You could tell, the brotherhood between musicians was in the air back then.
After a few years silent, Chris joins the fellas of Rage Against the Machine to form a new band called Audioslave. Which seemed to be the band of this times, up until Chris decided to go solo again. Quite a sad situation though, I wished to see 'em live, they were sort of near my country while they performed in Cuba, a piece of musical history I wish I witnessed.
- A song that makes me go through hard times. It still does!
- From the Cuba Performance...
Unfortunately, good things never last... like a Black Sabbath song says. And after Euphoria Morning, Chris managed to do more "commercially driven" music. Specially his last efford, Scream, where he collaborated with some guy called Timbaland. And it's a funny thing, after this collaboration happened, the man started to get more recognition than ever. Which is quite funny, 'cause no one cares about his former work but do focus more on the "hip hop" side of him. But oh well, maybe it's my fucking ego making me talk like that 'bout a man I consider one of my heroes... but I seriously can't stand his new album. I'm no one to say shit 'bout someone else's musical endeavours though.
Although, there's hope yet...
Thanks for all the great records you've put Chris... someday I've gotta see you perform, and why not (yawns, dreamin' like a fanboy haha) perform together.
I was born under funny circumstances. I'm gonna share you a bit of my personal history again...
At the time, my father was on some work in other city here in the country, he had a good salary, he could pay the food and all that with no problem back then. There were 4 people to care 'bout, my mom and my three sisters. Actually, 4, 'cause my mother was pregnant, at the time she got pregnant she was in her last year of college.
Unfortunately, she couldn't finish 'cause, I was on the way...
So, it was early in the morning in October 17. Mom was sleeping but suddenly this son of a bitch here (me) started his way to the outside world. According to my lovely mom, it was like 4 AM or something, which is the time I'm writting this note... My uncle Johnny and my grandma were here with her 'cause they were taking care of her 'cause as I told, my father was away working.
Fortunately they were here, I guess I owe 'em a lil' bit. My uncle took my mom and my grandmother into his car directly to the hospital. Now, this is funny 'cause at the time, 1984, there weren't so much hospitals nearby my house, I mean I don't live in the Elves forest (LOL) but, the only place where my mom could go at the moment was the Hospital del Seguro, which is the Social Security hospital of my country.
What's more odd is that, in the time, having babies in the hospital was not a regular practice, but certainly there were nurses, doctors, and all that who knew the necessary to bring a kid into the void, I mean, world... he he.
- Needless to say, I'm the first kid who was born in that hospital LOL, ha ha... -
There was one thing more. My mother and I were endangered, 'cause while she got pregnant she was 36 or something, and biologically talkin', a woman getting pregnant in that age is considered into a clinic case called "risky pregnancy" 'cause of the age factor I think.
Thankfully, both my mother and I survived, but we were sort of damaged. My mom had her uterus gone, 'cause she was bleeding way too much (Something I'm very sorry for 'cause I caused her that damage) and, well me, I was born with some weird heart disease, which seems to be gone nowadays.
The days I'm feeling like hell 'cause of many reasons I always tell myself that I was born for a reason. Thousands of times I've read similar stories, and either, the mother or the baby die...
Maybe it's a lie I like to believe, maybe not... 'cause, you know, I could feel like completely useless, sad, depressed, whatever you want to call it, but at the same time I feel alive. I breathe, I see, I touch. I'm alive...
My birthdays always seem so odd. The first time I had a birthday party I was 1. I have no clue why parents bother to throw a party 'cause a kid that age doesn't remember anything at all. But what I do remember is my 5th birthday, boy, that was amazing. Gifts, food, the birthday cake, the family gathered, nothing could beat that day... October 17, 1989.
I was a happy kid back then, but things changed since someone unwanted arrived to my house (The things people do in the name of "charity", dear God...) and then I started to see everything in its truest colours.... My birthdays since then weren't that colourful... And it's pretty much scary 'cause, I even see the difference in the pictures took... one year before I had a big goddamn smile... and one year after, I had the most emptiest eyes ever...
So much things for an 8 year old kid, isn't it?
But thankfully, music came to my life, otherwise I'll be one of those people who go nuts and start killing people trying to seek revenge. Or maybe I'll be in jail, I don't know...
While I had 17 on 17, it was kinda odd. That was somehow the way I always wanted my birthday... Just me, and the sea, face to face... Well, sort of 'cause I had it during an spiritual retirement thing, together with my classmates, and they weren't certainly the people I wanted to hang 'round with... I just wanted to be on my own... like the wolf I believe I was... or I am. But nothing compares to stare at the sea, and hear the waves talk to you... giving you a calm breeze...
While I had 18... what a bummer. People I thought were my friends actually weren't, my mom spend the whole day gathering some food to have a lil' reunion with 'em, but just 2 of them showed that day, and I keep 'em gratefully on my memory 'cause of that solidarity act... maybe they felt sorry for me but anyways. I don't blame the ones who didn't show, I sort of understand 'em, hangin' with the "not popular" kid wasn't the best thing a teenager could do, you know because of the status and all that thing... Since that day I wanted this day for me only, I mean, just me and no one else.
Oh, and one of my sisters made up a cruel joke 'cause, I was in my room doing nothing, and in order to get me downstairs she said "Carlos, María José te busca". I sort of ran downstairs, but there was no one. My sister laughed like hell, and I gave her the finger.
For those who don't know (Everyone in fact) María José is the name of a girl I liked back then, a lot. She happened to be the niece of one of my neighbours, a good ol' lady called Yolanda, who we call Yoli.
One day she introduced me to her - I said one day in a joke way, "Ey miss, is it true that you have a very beautiful niece?" and she said "Yeah, you want to know her?" and I said "Sure, why not". Obviously, it was all a joke but one day she rang my door and told me "Hey, my niece is here to meet you" and I was like "What the... !?".
We used to talk a lot, through MSN and by the phone, but then we stopped doing so, maybe 'cause she realised I liked her, and she had boyfriend at the time, although sometimes she told me that she liked the way I was... Last time I saw her was like, 2 or 3 years ago, but I was sort of angry while I saw her... 'cause my ol' dog Clay was attacked by another dog, and I took my dog on my arms like wanting to destroy the motherfucker dog... and I was angry, really angry... she saw me and said something like "Oh what a nice dog...", looked at me and obviously recognised me, but I didn't, I was so pissed off, that I realised it was her late at night. She was still in my neighbour's house, but I was so stupid back then, that I just continued doing nothing. She looked so beautiful. But this is old news anyway...
While I had 21... Funny situation. I was doing some college work 'cause, at the time I had a very "funny" teacher who always wanted to break our goddamn ass by sending us loads of work, I mean it, LOADS of work... they seemed to be eternal! I was on a college classmate's house, with some other people also, and one of them, who happens to be my best friend nowadays, knew that I was having 21. I wanted to go unnoticed that day but somehow, my friend spread the word that I was having 21. And obviously, everyone came in and said "Happy Birthday". That was odd...
While I had 23... That day I started to hear the blues, by the hand of someone I admire greatly nowadays... John Lee Hooker. First song I heard was "It serves me right to suffer".
I spent the whole day outside my house, I wanted to be on my own, but I took my cellphone just in case my mom called me or someone else. And that's what happened, mom called and friends, and all that... it was quite cool 'cause we had this steak made and all my family (meaning, my mom, dad and my sisters) were together with me. That was really cool.
My best friend gave me a Jack Daniels' bottle, we drank it and I came back home totally burned up, ha ha... I had to keep playing Iron Maiden on my music player to stay awake during the bus ride... But it was really cool. :) Thanks bro! And one of my sisters gave me this funny lil' guitar... that she bought in her trip to Peru. Damn, I'll miss her today.
While I had 24... to be honest I don't remember anything 'bout that day...
Maybe, I'm not the man people want Maybe, I'm a twisted soul... Maybe, I'm the Island, I prove the philosopher wrong But I'm me, and I always will..
I thought there was no hope, but there was again... Pink Floyd reunited once more, and played the best music no one played in years. Not to dismiss the effords of Velvet Revolver, which is another band I like a lot, but Pink Floyd is Pink Floyd.
And I was happy, 'cause maybe my heroes, would be together again...
July 8, 2006: The Dominoes crumbled I was 21 back then...
Syd Barret, the main force behind the early Pink Floyd, died because of something related with diabetes. And how strange, it was almost a year after his former bandmates reunited... The whole music community is shocked, specially we Floyd fans.
September 15, 2008: The skies wanted an Orchestra Director. I was 23 back then...
Almost a month before my birthday, I was already setting the countdown to October 17th. Not that I threw a big party or something, I personally don't like either 'cause I am not used to it, or 'cause the last gathering I offered for my party, no one of my "friends" went, I have no clue.
I remember being tired, exhausted from a hard college day, and its fucking things, and its fucking teachers... As usual, I started up my PC, to check some stuff, Facebook maybe, and one of my friends had something that said something 'bout Richard Wright. So I quickly googled it, and I realised that Richard Wright died of cancer.
I was sad... I still am, 'cause I always thought that Richard was a key factor in Floyd's sound, since I started hearin' them. First thing I heard of Floyd, while I was 19, was Dark Side of the Moon, I believe it was Fate that put that album near my hands, otherwise I will be still playing a thousand notes per minute on my guitar, doing the same old song and dance that millions of guitar players do nowadays.
September 14, 2009 I'm 24 years old...
I was getting ready to somehow, honor Richard Wright, spending the whole day hearing just Floyd, and in the end just hear the album Broken China. That's the latest musical statement Richard made before dyin', what a great album. It has a great message and vibe... I was also sort of angry, I just had some incident with some lady I liked, but now I can't see her...
Nothing happened between the two of us, and nothing will happen... 'cause she finally showed how she is. But that's not the point...
September 15, 2009: Only the good die young... I'm still 24 years old...
I was on the Metrovia bus, sitting hearing some Floyd, on my way to lift some weights... Mondays are usually good for me at gym, 'cause my stamina is high usually the first day of the week. By accident, I read something 'bout a double murderer, mother and daughter killed... and raped. Depression and anger arised at no time, I felt really sorry for the victims, specially for the young girl...
It seems, that I am one of those few human beings left who feel the sadness and anger mixed together, and also, that somehow feel related with someone they have no clue. It's exactly what happened to me with this girl... I keep thinkin' "My God, this isn't fair, she was just 21... why, why would she die this horrible and non-sense way?" I was so angry, that I even blamed the murderer, whoever he is, and his stupid reasons to do such thing, to rape a girl and kill her stabbing with no mercy, feeling powerful over an innocent disarmed.
Now I'm looking at her picture. She was beautiful...
This post is in loving memory of all the heroes fallen, and the innocent killed.
As part of a self therapy (I say self 'cause I wanted to do so), one month ago I started to lift weights. Usually, the main reasons people go to a gym are either, for competition, to impress and meet girls, or just to be well with themselves.
The first time I went to a gym I was 19 or something like that, but I'm pretty sure that while I went there back then I hadn't the right focus or motivation. I'm gonna be honest, I went there to just gain more muscle so I could impress the ladies. Neither of the two things happened, 'cause later on I dropped the gym, being the main reason the lack of motivation.
Not much ago I heard that while you work out, your body liberates this weird thing called endorphins, which is a compound that causes every single human being to feel "happy" at some point.
Realising my constant situation of being most of the times sad, and depressed, and - a recently acquired feeling - angry, and also 'cause I've gained some weight and I was feeling flabby, I decided to join again.
But this time the motivation was different. The motivation was me, just to compete with me, to see what I'm made off, to see if I could persevere, or just quit like everyone else does.
It seems that the process of go through the Iron teachings wasn't gonna be easy. I already know * somehow by experience * that the things that really are valuable, are hard to get and go for. The day I wanted to register, I almost didn't 'cause of some weird rule, but I managed my way to finally getting what I wanted. Join.
First week was a pain in the ass. The first day, I couldn't move my arm at all, and I even couldn't play the guitar - That sort of worried me 'cause, playing guitar is what keeps me alive -. I had to buy this weird thing athletes use to "relax" the muscles.
Second week was still being a pain in the ass, but I knew that it's part of the process. All learnings in life are just like that, sometimes easy, sometimes painful, sometimes you need to take a deep breath and take all the weight over you.
I admit that somehow I needed/still need help, some excercises are really challenging, specially while you're just starting. But once again, all learning is just like that, and once again I remember, what I went through my guitar classes. To master patience and be humble.
Yes, being humble. It's easy to feel like intimidated, or just want to go on "competition" mood while you see the other guys lifting weigths heavier than yours, but that's when ego breaks in, once you managed to somehow control it, you're you and the pounds you gotta lift. That's the only thing that matters at the moment.
Henry Rollins once said that sometimes, random thoughts pull of while you're lifting weights, ranging from "What I'm gonna do tomorrow", and even thinking in someone, like the woman you like.
It's true. Since it's a challenging "moment", usually in the human experience you tend to remember all the things you've been through, all the people you've met, all the opportunities you let go. It's like your mind starts to work like it never worked, trying to either, confuse you or give you more reasons to push your senses out (Like Rollins say in his song "Starve").
While I was in my third week, I started to think more 'bout the woman I liked. Every time the weight bar was over me, and I seemed like 'bout to implode, her image just appeared in my head. I managed somehow to lift the bar one more time, but my arm was like "Jeez... take a break!".
While I was in my fourth week, that is, a month since I started to lift weights. Her image started to vanish... She dissapointed me big time, I don't blame her for being the way she is.
Somehow, I saw it coming...
But, as the image vanished, my strength arose.
Some things have changed inside my mind... I must admit. Some others, just became more stronger, just like my body is getting nowadays. But what's most important, I'm learning to push my senses out...
"The iron never lies to you... People come and go... but 100 pounds are always 100 pounds"
* To my friend Alejandro, thanks for being an inspiration man, and also 'cause through you I've met Black Flag and Henry Rollins' philosophy. *
Nothing Really Matters... anyone can see... Nothing Really Matters... to me
Another page on my dull book.
I took the decision to stop talking with people, since I've got so much ramblin' on my mind... I don't want to bother no one with my anger and negativity. I don't want to be the messenger of chaos, doom, and despair. I don't believe in the myth of "A shared pain makes it less heavy". It's just sick, nonsense, egotistical, and not fair with the people I sort of care 'bout.
Instead... I'll keep writing. Words don't kill no one. They're just the way I express myself.
Words keep resonating in my head. One day, angry, frustrated and sad I told my mom that it's really getting harder and harder to live through this life, it's not that I discovered hot water, but to make such an affirmation with such sad conviction in front of your sick mother is quite disturbing. All she said was "I am really sorry I brought you to this world to suffer".
All I could say to her was... "It's not your fault". And, well... yeah, you know I keep telling to myself that thing "I was born for a reason". I am about to believe that it's just a lie I made up for myself to just carry on and not take a gun and place it next to my head... Maybe the effords I'm making are just plain vane, 'cause all I touch turns into sand, salt, and vanishes in the wind...
Or maybe they don't.
I'm clearly mind-sick at this moment. I am so tired of the way people behave and continue behaving, yes, you will say "If you want to change people then change yourself". I say to all of you who read this, I have changed myself so many times that I lost the count. I always seek for light, for redemption, for peace of mind, for calmness and why not, like all of us human beings, happiness. But all of them seem to move over and over... Now I feel like a blind man chasing the sunrise...
I really feel sad, really sad. So sad that I can't cry, it's this sort of sadness with anger, that keeps you wondering "Why?"... that keeps you wondering if God is playing with you like if you were a marionette... I am even starting to sound - like my mom says - "heretic", I formerly believed in God, I still do but, honestly I don't see why this damn things keep happening to me... Is it a test? I don't asked to be a goddamn saint, I don't have the ammount of submission those people had * I deeply respect them though * and all that, I just keep wondering, WHY. Yes, with capitol letters, WHY.
Yeah... maybe my life is the ant farm, and God is the kid playing with it. If such analogy makes sense anyway...And my friends tell me to remain optimistic...And they tell me to think way more possitive...
Yeah, like I do enjoy being negative...
My 25th birthday is getting near, and I feel like I've acomplished nothing. All the music plans I've got, still seem far away, I feel trapped in this jail called home, I feel more than ever alone, really alone, with no one to share a word. It's getting bigger and bigger, every day, but some twisted voice, maybe the voice of a guardian angel or a wanderer ghost is telling me to carry on. I am trying my best... but I don't know how much longer I would resist.
I know there's no such thing like a suicide solution. In fact that would be more of a problem, and if it's a solution, would be an egotistical one, since I'll be finishing with my life to just get rid of my problems, but what 'bout my family, specially my mother... I can't do that to her, and I never will. I've been through a lot of things in my life... I still don't see the reason why, but anyway...
Hope is different for each one of us...
And well... I don't believe in destiny, I believe in me.
There it comes, the subject that no one likes to talk 'bout, the one everyone is afraid of, the one everyone hopes doesn't touch them... The subject that, in my personal opinion is more feared than death itself. It's called loneliness... and also solitude.
I put an open question here... for whoever reads this blog...
Do you really know what loneliness is? - Whatever your answer is, I don't mind... just keep it for yourself -
I will put my answer to my own question here...
I can tell I know what it is... Sometimes we humans misinterpret loneliness with solitude or with being single, which is the most common thing that happens, specially with girls. Loneliness is not just a feeling, but a state, of being somewhat trapped, in a crossroad, confused... and over all, alone, even if people surrounds you, no matter if this people are friends, your parents, your brothers or sisters, whatever... I think it's more a mind state/situation rather than a decision.
Yeah, there's people who choose to be a deliberate loner, but even those who choose this lifestyle, know that it ain't healthy or, much less, good. No one, and I seriously and honestly mean it, deserves to be alone, even the worst of the delinquents (who funnily enough, most of the time aren't alone, they end up alone while all of their theft plans and money go away, but hey, that's a common trait in we humans isn't it? Once the Power and the hand that feeds is away, so are we).
As you turn on the T.V. and you see this "so fine" looking people tellin' that they're alone, I think they're wrong. I think they just want someone to hook up with someone and make notice, to get attention (They already have it 'cause of the single fact they're on T.V.), I don't know... It just, bothers me... and it's like an insult and also some sort of cruelty, whereas they spit in your face how important is when "they" feel alone. Maybe I'm goin' way too much agressive with this particular sort of people, but to me the life of the "privileged and rich and famous" doesn't mean a thing for me. Too bad a lot of people spent part of their lives watching other's lives and desiring to be like some sort of Paris Hilton, Cristiano Ronaldo, whatever...
- Look at her eyes and tell me... Does she feel lonely, or does she feel single? Maybe both?-
There's also the dark side of loneliness. Have you ever heard of the fellas who, take a gun, load it up, and go out with the motto kill 'em all just for fun, revenge or whatever reason? Believe it or not, this single things happen, and will continue happening, as long as we humans don't learn how to live with people who's either, like us (meaning they have a similar mindset) or different. And while I mean different, I mean it... not just people who pretends to be different. We all were born unique, but sometimes there are cases that people just wants to look "odd" and to me, that's such a sad thing, why won't you bother being yourself. And don't come to me tellin' me that you're like that... 'cause you know you ain't. I know you, I was like you once... but I set myself free... and I'm still doing it.
So anyway, why people keep sayin' they are "alone" or they feel "alone". I am 100% sure that they feel single, rather than feelin' alone. Feelin' alone is not just missing someone you wish you were with... Feelin' alone is not just staring at the dance floor and dance with yourself... Feelin' alone is not whisperin' for the perfect match... Maybe I'm wrong, but since this is my blog, I am being sincere... and posting what I think.
Loneliness always have an starting point, which seems to replicate over time. Rejection... And it depends of how we react against rejection or, how we know how to lose, that determines how complicated loneliness and solitude could be.
I'm gonna share somethin' with you ... It's a piece of my life, just a piece not all of it...
- /I went down to the crossroad...fell down on my knees/ -
Through my 24 years of existance, since the day I was born, I was born to suffer. Or at least I think so. While I was born, doctors prescribed that I wouldn't live more than a year, 'cause the doctors detected that my heart had a hole (small but big enough to kill me in a second) in one of the blood conductors. My mother after I was born went to surgery, she bled a lot... and her life was endangered since the moment she got pregnant, 'cause while I was being formed in her utero, she was 36, and while a woman got pregnant in her late thirties, is considered a high-risk pregnancy, where one of the involved (baby or mother) dies.
So I survived, my mom did so too. She's a strong woman. She always have been.
But my life was overshadowed by the heart disease I had... and always had to go to the doctor at the minimal sign of sickness. And it bothered me at some point, 'cause I couldn't play like the other kids of my age did. So I started to find shelter in a lot of things, such as drawing, and riding my bike specially in winter, where the rain falls. I liked to feel the rain drops over my head, riding my bike, most of the time alone... although there were few weeks that some other kids joined me, since I was very skilled with my bike, and liked to drive it fast... Speed was some sort of catharsis for me back then...
I was a kid, but I really felt alone. Even with my older sisters surrounding me, and my parents giving me kudos for my academic response. Whatever... I was feeling alone, and I felt much alone when my mother took under her wing another person's son, and took him to live in my house... That was the worst part of my life. I wanted my mom for me, not for someone else.
- Look at that Lone Gun Man face I have -
In school I was a happy fella, most of the time, but it's quite funny, I was 'till someone pointed out that I needed lenses. It's amazing how among children the prejudice is so high, or was back then, that the moment I put a couple of glasses in my head, everything changed, and started gettin' darker... instead of seeing things "bright" I started to see 'em distorted. It was way too much for my 8 yr. old mind...
Fortunately, something that changed my life for good happened.
One of my sisters, carryin' on her tradition of force me to learn new things (among them were chess, reading a lot of books and a lot of things in the name of "I want for you the things I didn't have") asked a friend of hers who happened to be a music teacher if it was possible to take me under her wing. So she accepted.
I reluctantly went and well, after months I ended up loving the damn thing. The classes were mostly on Saturdays, and they were sort of fun, there were more kids (boys and girls) there but I rarely talked to them, at the time I really was used to be isolated... so usually I spent the break time practicing my music things.
For the first time I found some relief for my anger and loneliness, specially in the music of the great Ludwig Van Beethoven.
-Somehow, Ludwig's music convey what I dream about... A better world... -
-2nd part of this piece. The first I heard from Ludwig. -
While I was 10 I switched to guitar, and once again I felt less lonely, usually while you pick your guitar you think you're gonna be the ladies man, but that wasn't my case. Since I picked it up, I knew that I will aim for making my own music and not just play other people's music, which is the usual thing here, there and everywhere. And chicks fall for guys who play "love songs" for them. I ain't a "love songs" player. I play what I want... that's all.
In highschool I experienced great periods of loneliness, since this was another deal completely different from school, and also there were the so-called "groups" with a leader, how I despise such things, and at a time I started to be bullied, to the point I had a nervous breakdown. I even thought of suicide...
But there it was... hangin' on my bedroom wall, my guitar. So I took it and since then I sort of drive my demons away through it, loneliness included.
I always wondered how fucked up life could be, since it rewards the snakes and punishes some kindred good spirits. We all have been part of any of those two bands, but anyway... I guess I'm goin' crazy.
- My doctor prescribed me... milk, cream and alcohol... alcohol -
I really feel sorry for the boys and girls who have been and will be bullied. 'cause, in the future they could become part of the news, some sort of twisted killer, like Chapman and this Asian fellas who shot at their classmates... I hope they find something that helps 'em to fight themselves... and their demons, as I found my voice through music (and now, writting. Words don't kill no one...)
I really feel sorry for everyone who says is lonely, but you people should think what you say, 'cause what you say is what you ultimately become. If you want to feel a slow-motioned pain, keep telling yourselves you're lonely, and you'll get it. If you say that you're alone just because you don't have a bf. or gf. think for a moment, shut up your mouth, and reconsider saying it like "I feel single". That suits your situation better.
My name it means nothing My fortune is less My future is shrouded in dark wilderness Sunshine is far away, clouds linger on Everything I posessed - now they are gone
Oh where can I go to and what can I do? Nothing can please me only thoughts are of you You just laughed when I begged you to stay Ive not stopped crying since you went away
The world is a lonely place - youre on your own Guess I will go home - sit down and moan. Crying and thinking is all that I do Memories I have remind me of you
- Look at those eyes, and tell me... Does she feel alone? -
I know I'm alone though...
Even the most beautiful of swans, is afraid of being alone.
Months ago, next to my house arrived a syberian husky. From all the races of dogs, this particular one is my favourite, since this dogs reflect a lot in their eyes. They can say actually a lot, with just lookin' at ya...
Thing is, I liked this syberian husky, while it was smaller it was kept inside my neighbour's house, but as soon as it started growing, it was sent to the outside. So, let's say I met my syberian friend while she *it's a female dog* was sort of big.
It's amazing how an animal could teach us a lot of things. While you're in front of a nature creature, you can't fool around with mind games, words, and all that as we do while communicating with humans. With animals is different. All you got to communicate with them, in some deep level, is your eyes. You can use your voice too, but the thing is animals can't talk.
So anyway, since the beginning my syberian *adopted* pet and I had a mutual understanding, somehow I reflected in her. Specially while we look into each other. It's like, in another life I was a Wolf, and she was my sister, or my mother. I can sense even how she feels, most of the time I can tell she feels lonely and sad.
It's quite logical, I mean while you got a pet, it's not just an animal, it somehow becomes part of your family, 'cause he/she is leaving his/her mother very little, days or a couple o' months after being born, and as far as I know, every living creature has feelings of family, nurturing and protection, up to a certain point where they run on their own.
So anyway, it's been 3 months since my syberian friend arrived next to my house. Every day I come from work, tired as hell and somehow, down sometimes, my friend is expecting me to arrive, and it cheers me up. A creature of nature is happy 'cause I went back home, it's like she is my animal mother. She is standing still waiting for me to appear in the horizon, and after I'm at home, she rests.
One day I decided to gave a name to my Syberian friend, and... well I went out with the name of Shiva, 'cause, of the loyalty my animal friend shows me every day...
Every single day I see my animal friend I tell her this, it's like some sort of prayer, in a Sioux-esque sort of mood. - Sioux had a lot of respect for animals -
"One day, together we'll run free In the green, infinite fields, Again, our wild nature won't be caged Again, Again... Oh great Father Wolf, take care of us... From the skies... from the skies..."
It's Tuesday, the year is half away gone... All the wishes of good vibrations, fortune, health and love seem to be going away far, and far away... With each day that passes, I feel like getting more confused, angry, and over all, lonely.
I am very aware that like me, there are millions of people, men and women, old and young, who feel the same as I am feeling right now... Temporary happiness always come and go in the shape of pleasures, and all that...
But, what can you do to face loneliness? What can you do to face those destroying thoughts inside you? What can you do to face all the fears of rejection, and the fear of being left alone, even if you're the most beautiful of swans?
I'd like to think that this things go away when you think and stay positive. Sure thing, yeah... so easy just like that, think that you're prince charming and you become it. I know better, what you think of yourself is what you ultimately became. I've been thinking a lot of things 'bout myself, good and bad things, and I know I am all of them. Sometimes I can't face my own honesty, but I have to do it, so I could learn from the mistakes I've made and I'll keep making.
But sometimes isn't that easy...
Sometimes the madness of the world we live in tries to suck it into a bitterness ocean... and that's what usually happens. It's quite amazing how our human nature could be so fragile, even while showcasing the most hard face in the outside...
Everyone wants to be with someone... I know. Someone who could just, give you a hand, a hug, a kiss, someone you could hold your hand and walk through the street as the sci-fi romance movie-thing.
But love's a fiction... Or maybe not.
I don't know what do love means, and I'm really sure no one does. Not even the ones who have a couple, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or whatever... Such things have done in the name of love, wars, kidnapping, suicide commitment, killing, my head just explodes thinking 'bout the ammount of things that taint the real meaning of love. Or what I think love is...
I really hate the notion of love this mad people gave to it. I really hate to think that if I love someone, I have to be strangled day and night, leaving away my dreams and hopes just to be with my "love"? Fuck it, I wont... I don't deny the idea of spending a whole day, and night with the woman I am in love with, but as I bet she will do, I have things to do, dreams to follow, stars to hunt.
I really hate the notion of love this mad people give it to it. I really hate to think that if I love someone, I have to play the fool from time to time, shut up a lot of things and swallow my own words, the truth inside my head, and all that. Where the fuck is honesty then? Maybe my pride will become my own poison, I'm really aware of it.
I really hate the notion of love this mad people give it to it. I really hate to think that if I love someone, I have to spend an awful lot of money trying to just, persuade her to love me... So, the expression of love itself, comes from how wealthy am I, may I ask? Maybe I'm just too angry to keep writting such things...
All I ever wanted... is a woman who could share thoughts with me All I ever wanted... is to be Mars, and have as my woman the beautiful Venus. All I ever wanted... is someone honest, who I will respect All I ever wanted... is to choose the woman I'll love, for who she is, no matter if we aren't the same
But I guess, I fucking ask for too much... Maybe she doesn't exist.
I hope I am wrong.
Day after day ...alone on the hill The man with the foolish grin is keeping perfectly still But nobody wants to know him....They can see that he's just a fool And he never gives an answer...
But the fool on the hill...Sees the sun going down And the eyes in his head...See the world spinning around
- That was the message in one of facebook's fortune cookies. So far I've got 3 songs I think of a lot lately...
Atom and Evil
Blue Skies once upon a dream Our eyes never in between Then into the Garden came the slider I'm here for you said the spider to the fly
and when I am through you can open up your eyes and see Your world on fire and the liar won't let go... Atom and Evil
One more promise we can tame the Sun and then we'll shine forever Someday you can cry for everyone Who burn when you were clever
Expand your mind we've got a place for you Just make believe that 1 & 1 are always 2
When into the corner comes the Slider Just say NO....
Atom and Evil
Falling is easy rising will never be So we must rise together Fear of the changes powerful harmony but then there's no forever Atom and Evil
Maybe if we cry together Maybe if we cry as one the tears that fall could kill the fire and keep everyone from Atom and Evil
Rock and Roll Angel
Just close your eyes You're on a caravan to Superman Sweet home infection He can kill you with your smile
He'll come to you But like the wind, he's here today, then gone away Be born again Come taste the exhibition
Take a number Come and join the line Here's where you will find your Rock and Roll Angel
Don't close your mind Just bring insanity and you'll see it all His lie can blind you He's now, he's revelation
You've been wishing for the magic sign Here's where you will find your Rock and Roll Angel
Perfect strangers in the dark Waiting for their lives to start Then behold your shining star I wonder who you are
Perfect strangers in the dark Waiting for their lives to start But just before the dream begins You must confess your sins, yeah
Soon to see the holy one Can he really block the sun Then at last a shining star Make me who you are
Sign of the Southern Cross
If there isnt light when no one sees Then how can I know what you might believe? A story told that cant be real Somehow must reflect the truth we feel, yeah
Fade away, fade away Vanish into small Fade away, fade away Break the crystal ball - oh!
Its the sign Feels like the time!
On a small world, west of wonder Somwhere, nowhere all Theres a rainbow that will shimmer When the summer falls If an echo darts in dancer When it hears a certain song Then the beast is free to wander But never is seen around
And its the sign of the southern cross Its the sign of the southern cross All right Sail away To the sign Ohh
From the book, the word is spoken Whispers from forgotten psalms Gather all around the young ones They will make us strong Reach above your dreams of pleasure Given life to those who died Look beyond your own horizons Sail the ship of signs
And its the sign of the southern cross Its the sign of the southern cross Fade away, fade away Break the crystal ball Fade away, fade away I cant accept it anymore
On a real world, west of wonder Somwhere, nowhere all Theres a rainbow, see it shimmer When the summer falls From the book, the word is spoken Whispers from forgotten psalms Gather all around the young ones They will make us strong!
Its the sign of the southern cross Its the sign of the southern cross
Dont live for pleasure Make life your treasure Fade away! Eight miles high, about to fall And no one there to catch you Look for the sign, the time The sign of the southern cross, yeah
I, as your parent sense in you pain, confusion, and those feelings don't allow you to see things with such clarity and objectivity... and much less coherence. It's not the best solution to get away from the ones who cared once for you...
Over all things, there is a God. We all in this world have a purpose, something to live and die for. Consider yourself someone valuable, full of qualities that you haven't discovered yet. Your true fortune lies inside yourself.
The pain you've been through is just temporary, but somehow you provoked it to yourself, with your own actions, with your decisions you can't regret now. Inside you, you know those things aren't right. But, what can I say?
I just can say that you failed. Every once in a while, we humans fail, thing is we should recognize our own errors, to fix them, taking the strong decision to just, carry on no matter what, to find new roads, paths, northern stars that would allow us to get our way. But do this without harming no one, just keep in mind, that the tears people cry, sooner or later, we have to pay for 'em, suffering.
Don't take my words as something depressive. Don't allow no one to manipulate you or your thoughts or free will, just be yourself, keep your integrity, your own mind balanced and your emotional stamina balanced as well too... You're the only owner of each one of your thoughts, the things you say...
Nothing lasts forever, everything ends in any day. Even life itself, just like mine, which is being shortened every day, living a slow agony, it is an unstoppable fact.
I'm sorry for not being the parent you expected. I didn't pick my sons, they came to me. I'm sorry for not being the best, for making you suffer, for all the things I forbid you, for being the reason of your loneliness and suffering.
I didn't realised it. I just thought I was doing the best for you...
Forgive me, for who I am...
- The current was written by my mom. I just took her words and make 'em mine.-
Last Saturday, while teaching bass to the bass player of my soon-to-born band, I was talkin' bout something... Why instruments that are not the traditional "leading" ones are ignored most of the time... such as bass players, piano players, etc...
If you look back in the times of boogie/woogie music, and blues... there were lead parts, and rhytm parts, both of 'em very important, but somehow as years passed, people just stared at the guitar player and completely ignored the rest of the band, and well... the guitar player was the key factor for making a band great or amazingly bad and mediocre... which put a lot of pressure in the guitar player's hands and shoulders...
Fortunately, there are exceptions to the rule...
Through the history of music, piano players played a major role... Back in the times of the classical composers like Ludwig van Beethoven, piano players were looked back then like the way people now looks at guitar players... As new musical forms appeared, the same happened...
In rock n' roll music, there are notable cases, starting from Jerry Lee Lewis, called "The Killer"... 'cause of the way he played his instrument. With tons of raw energy...
Then, piano music sort of ... morphed to mellotrons and synths, which I consider among the best inventions in music history. Those instruments played a major role in the evolution of progressive rock, 'cause it helped the musicians to create atmospheres and - in Frank Zappa's words - Sculptures of sound.
One of the most notable players of synths and keyboards was Mr. Richard Wright, from Pink Floyd... his eerie tone influenced by equal amounts of jazz, classical and atonal music contributed to create what we know now as the Pink Floyd sound... ethereal and dark soundscapes that allow you to travel through time and space.
Robert Fripp, from King Crimson, was a mellotron player during the early stages of the band. In fact, the orchestra-type sounds you hear through the album In the Court of The Crimson King, were made by him and his white mellotron.
As time continued moving, piano music in rock n' roll was sort of, retreating... few musicians, like the greats Elton John, Freddie Mercury from Queen and Billy Joel took piano as their main instrument, as well as Peter Gabriel did together with keyboards and world music instruments.
- Fantastic Piece of Music, isn't it? -
One thing that piano players share is that while they took their instrument, and sing at the same time, they make it a really intimate experience. Not that other musicians don't, but there's something magic while you see this fellas playin' the piano.
- This is what I mean with intimate -
Freddie Mercury, on the other hand, had a distinct approach on the piano. Heavily influenced by Chopin's tones and also by Tchaikovsky's... his piano sounds made a difference on Queen's loud and grandiose sound. In fact, Queen's most recognizable song in the world, is based around a piano.
- Grandiose, isn't it ? -
With the rise of disco, the role of piano in rock and roll music somewhat dissapeared. But, it appeared and re-emerged again, some years later, in the shape of raw power. Guns N' Roses frontman Axl Rose apart from being a singer, was a piano player, heavily influenced by the styles of Elton John and Freddie Mercury.
In 1991, Guns N' Roses published one of the greatest statements in rock and roll history. Two albums, under the name of Use Your Illusions, 1 & 2, emerged. And in both of 'em, you could hear a lot, of piano music. Rangin' from the traditional boogie/woogie inspired tunes, to the grandiose and epic tunes... In fact, that was the closing of the chapter of great piano music in rock n' roll.
- Piece No. 1: November Rain. See who else is playing the piano! -
- Piece No. 2: Estranged -
Later, some modern rock bands like Coldplay and Keane, tried to get back to this piano roots but, unfortunately * in my humble opinion * they failed. They lack the ammounts of stamina, passion and dedication the former greats had... they are making music that makes lil' girls get excited, but with no real content behind lyrics and music... that makes ol' geezers like me go angry and frustrated.
But, one day... music shall be released, from mediocre bands and people... one day. And piano will have its voice again.
It's kind of amazing, how some themes are somewhat connected with rock n' roll music, like the battles between the good and the evil, dreams and nightmares, out-of-the-world experiences, the divine and pagan, eternal freedom or slavery, heaven and hell, the history of the world, etc...
I haven't seen such variety in any other musical genre. You can't tell the same thing 'bout other music forms, like country which is only 'bout the love stories, or blues which is 'bout love stories too but, more in a mellow way, or even jazz where its complexity makes it somewhat hard to understand.
Recently I started to experience some sort of weird things. Well, not started but, experience them more frequently... Particularly the experiences of being out of your body, and seeing yourself... like sort of dead. But you ain't dead, you're alive, but your soul isn't in your body...
This kind of things aren't felt by everyone, but could be experienced by everyone. I'm just trying to find answer to my questions, and as far as I know, this kind of events always leave you a lesson, something to learn from... something to realise 'bout the fragility of your mortal nature.
The same happen with your dreams... and nightmares. Some of Us people have nice dreams, dreams of sunny days on a friday afternoon, walking through the beach.... sitting in the sand... whereas, some of us have symbolic dreams, the ones you got to decode the message in order to get the real meaning behind 'em, and some of us have nightmares... which also contain some sort of message, but we gotta be sort of brave to get the message that is trying to be communicated to you.
Sometimes it is really hard to understand the language of the subconscious...but you gotta learn how to understand it... otherwise, you'll miss a lot of stuff that could help you.
All my hopes and expectations, looking for an explanation Have I found my destination? I just can't take no more The dream is true, the dream is true The dream is true, the dream is true
* Music heals what bullets made of words and nonsense do... *
Just a perfect day, Drink Sangria in the park, And then later, when it gets dark, We go home. Just a perfect day, Feed animals in the zoo Then later, a movie, too, And then home.
Oh it's such a perfect day, I'm glad I spent it with you. Oh such a perfect day, You just keep me hanging on, You just keep me hanging on.
Just a perfect day, Problems all left alone, Weekenders on our own. It's such fun. Just a perfect day, You made me forget myself. I thought I was someone else, Someone good.
Oh it's such a perfect day, I'm glad I spent it with you. Oh such a perfect day, You just keep me hanging on, You just keep me hanging on.
You're going to reap just what you sow, You're going to reap just what you sow, You're going to reap just what you sow, You're going to reap just what you sow...
June 15th, 1951. One of my new fond musical heroes and influences, Steve Walsh, was born.
June 15th, 1975. My stepsister, Solange, who is a key person in my life, was born.
There are things that keep changin' as you keep growing, becoming an adult, and learning how to be a man. Some experiences are painful, some others are full of joy, whereas some others just, keep being null and void. Unless you want 'em to change. It's all in the mind.
Today it was supposed to be a great day. As I was used all my 24 years of short existance, we would have some sort of food feist with my family, 'cause it was my sister's birthday. Actually in every birthday that's the way it was supposed to be, unfortunately, the wheel of fortune kept rolling, and so the money, which is somewhat difficult to find nowadays, specially in the country I live in.
We would sit 'round the table, have a good laugh, and all that. I just remembered something... Nothing lasts forever, but the earth and sky...
It's been a though time for me, without my stepsister on my side, joking, talking, hearing me talking 'bout my "Quijote" attitude towards ladies (A reason why I have failed an awful lot in the past) and all that. It's been 3 months exactly, since she left home... It's been 3 months since the only person in the world who cared 'bout me, my dreams and hopes, is gone, since she decided to keep no contact with me and my family, and all that... for something she thinks is love.
I am no one to judge women, but every day I understand them less... * You read it * and, maybe I'm not alone at all...
It's been a though time for me, without my stepsister on my side... A day that was supposed of joy, turned down as being very, low key. Despite all the things goin' around me, the chance to get a job, my improvement on my social skills (where I have serious issues), and looking myself every day turning into a self made man... Despite all that, I felt lonely.
In fact, it just rained. Now I ain't sleeping well, neither my mom does. I understand her, the pain for her must be infinitesimal, 'cause she's my sister's mother. She says she doesn't care, but boy she does, any mother in the world will care 'bout her children, even if they are grown up adults. We'll always be the weakling babies they gave birth, in their eyes...
Sun didn't came out in the whole day, in fact, it just rained, rained, rained, rained, rained. And I went down, but my face showed a smile... what a contradiction.
Life's been hard lately for my family these days, for each one of us, in different ways.
But I just keep in mind this Kansas' song, which says in the end:
"Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever, but the earth and sky..."
A June 15th born, as my sister, just gave me back the hopes I've kept losing since my sister is gone...
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