Long ago, while I was 21, one of the teachers I admire at college, said the following:
"There's always the chance, that you could be like one person to all people, and there's also the chance, you'd keep a lot of secrets, a lot of people don't know, and will not know ever."
Continuing with my retrospective on my 24 almost 25 years, I have nothing more to say but agree... and say that it is right. Have you ever heard the track "Saucerful Of Secrets" by Pink Floyd? Well, I guess that's my soundtrack, and it quite defines the kind of people who is just like me. A big chest of questions with no answer, a 1.92 mts question mark.
I've been defined by many on so many words, and some of them are right. Some of them are wrong, and some of them are totally pointless... Just for the fun of it, I'll post the words I've been defined by. Just read 'em, have a laugh with me, or just close the fuckin' window and leave this ol' geezer's blog
- Shy, Antisocial, Psicho, Maniac, Social Anxiety compulsive. - Egotistical, Modest, Artsy, Pretentious, Humble, Untalented, Talented. - Boring, Entertainer, Stand Up Comedian, Sour Humourist, Ironic, Iconoclast.
So far, I've been labeled and defined by people in different situations, scenarios and years in 16 words. But to me it is just the top of the Iceberg... Yeah. Something funny I've just read 'bout the fellas who were born in the day I was born, is that we, October 17th born, are so many things to many people, but no one knows the real us deep inside us. And that couldn't be more right, and true.
It is easy for us men and women, to label people the way we want to, with no aprehensions, restrictions, or whatsover. We just, fire the goddamn words, and let 'em ring through the listener's ears, and well, what it's done it's done.
It is easy, to overjudge the book by its cover, but you know, the books that seemed "boring" 'cause of their simple cover, were in fact real masterpieces. I think the same happens with people, we all are rough diamonds, waiting to be polished, or in the process of polishing, 'cause not all of us shine since the day we were born.
Some of Us are fallen inbreds of heaven and hell, some of Us are God Send Angels, some of us are the same punishers of hell, as depicted by Dante in his Commedia in the Inferno Circles. We only know who really we are, and will be.
We all seem to be the actors, and actresses in a theatre plot, called life We all seem to run wild, act wrong, be defenseless and at the same time agressive We all seem to be lost, fall in love, dwell in lust, and fuck things up... We all do, We all do.
In the previous post, I've written 'bout some personal stuff. Maybe some of you guys/girls knew it, maybe not. Maybe you guys/girls kept staring at the screen 'cause of that picture of that girl I've met, maybe not. Maybe you laughed, or cried, I have no clue... but anyway, I'll continue writting all the things I feel like saying... and maybe I'll repeat myself... I don't care.
I will continue this therapy of turning into words all of my thoughts, for all I could do now, is that... 'cause I don't feel like writting lyrics, and turning my feelings into music. Not now, and I know that if I force it, the result would be quite terrible, so better focus on this other creative outlet I've got.
I don't know you guys, if this ever happened to you. This is something that usually happens to me, maybe 'cause of my attitude, or I have no clue why. It's been 24 years since I am out in this mad world, and, always, I mean it, always, had a big group of friends, then the group turned smaller, and then there was no one. It happened since I was 5, it happened every time I had to change of school 'cause of my heart disease, it happened while I put my feet on my high school, and it happened also while I put my feet on college. It seems to be quite a recurrent movie sequence, in which me, the main character of my own movie, am conscious now, at my 24's, that I am totally responsable of this picture.
Another recurrent movie, that has been playing over and over, since the first time I started to feel something towards ladies, was rejection. Self-Imposed, or received? I have no clue, you know, people tells you "Buddy it's all in your mind" or, "It's the groove man, it's the groove", but honestly I don't care, I don't give a fuck 'bout it...
The first time I felt such thing was while I was a kid, but it wasn't a big deal, it was quite normal back then, a kid like me usually spent a lot of time playing soccer, riding a bike (Oh yeah, I was a master at bike riding), or whatever. But the fun thing is, that I kept such a "I don't care" attitude, that later on I was befriended by this people who formerly threw me away.
I guess that attitude is being somewhat of a shelter created by me against the world and people who acts and behaves like this, but things change you know, and I don't blame no one for being who they are. I rather prefer honesty than hearing a thousand lies. Second time, well I don't remember, 'cause I've usually got this label of "Sweet, charming and shy guy". Fuck labels, I hate them. If they only knew, that I am made of lava and tornadoes, and got an iron fist as well as a warm heart... but anyway. I know it and it's enough.
Through my life road, I've made some friends, I've made some enemies, I've met some, and I've denied some as well. I've been also denied, like Christ 3 times... but I guess we all have been there, isn't it? Gettin' into trouble without a reason, and all that...
I've been there too... I am not sinless, much less a saint. But people have this misconception that if you don't do anything "crazy" such as, I don't know... go drunk out there in the middle of the street, hump all the things that got boobs and a pussy, and all that, you're boring, or a "saint". Heck no, I don't think so... I've been there too, but that's routine...
To me it is a routine life cycle, you complain, you bring the iron fist, you work eight hours like a slave, go back home, watch tv, then if you're in the mood, you go get laid with your old lady, then you hit the bar, and the day is over. Life's so meaningless this way...
But I chose another life style. I chose the one you might say, it's not "adventurous", it's not "fun", it's not "interesting"... I don't give a fuck, as long as this decisions are made by me, totally, without any kind of pressure, or whatever that is. It's me, being more me by doing what I decide, and feel able and free to do, as long as I do not harm no one else but myself only, if that ever happens.
I chose to be the best I could be six years ago, I am chasing a far away dream, that seems carried away in the brilliant chariot of the Sun King, I am walking my own path, sometimes easy, sometimes dust... I've chosen deliberately the things I'm going through, happiness, joy, sadness, depression, honesty. In all of these actions, there's me. I'm in every thing I go and touch, play, sing, write, and keep for myself.
I'll keep doing this, for who I am, I was, and will be. And always, keepin' in mind that above all things, the one that matters is that I should stay true to myself. No matter how stupid, dumb, I could "seem" to anyone else.
Well... You know, I don't know you guys/girls, who read this, but before goin' to sleep for a new day which will start earlier than usual 'cause of my college obligations, I'll write something more... continuing with the previous post...
I, for those who don't have the pleasure/disgrace of know me, am a 24 year old man, just got a job out of a chance that, let's say fell from the skies, but anyway... As soon as you reach one addition to your 20's equation, some things change, for either, good or bad.
In my case, I don't want to sound like plain stupid, or superficial, but... here's one fact. While I was 18, I was thin, now that I'm 24, I start to see some age lines in my face, and even I notice myself gaining some weight. I have no clue how much weight I've got on me now, but it seems to be quite something, 'cause my face looks like a goddamn potato. And this, is quite evident not only for me, but also for my friends, who stare at me like "Geez, you look fat!".
Another fact, and maybe this is one a bit more motivating, is that a lot of things that I used to think, changed. I remember myself being quite more radical than I am now, in fact I think that back then the chance to hear such amazing music like the one made by Tim Buckley, Elton John, and Billy Joel would be like zero... back then, while I was 18 all I heard was this metal bands, but one day all changed, driven by the hand of the Pink Floyd Sound... God, what a discovery...
Some interesting things happen to you, while you're entering your 20's. Sometimes, there are days that you feel like a goddamn God, without a prey that follows you. That happened to me an awful lot, specially my first two years as a guitar student with my guitar master. By the second half of my second year as a guitar student, I was learning how to be humble, even if I got more skills than the rest of the crowd 'round me.
Now I'm 24, and I'm still on the verge of learning how to manage my own (here goes your favourite word for me boys and girls) Ego.
There were also days that you daydreamed a lot. Oh jeez, I used to do that an awful lot, while I was hearing music. Specially Radiohead, or Pink Floyd. While I was on my way to college, specially the times I had to choose the bus in the early cold mornings, I played my records through my cd player, and always thought "Here it goes, one of the best guitar players in the world travellin' on a cold morning, to college, like a lot of fellas do".
I didn't thought this with much fanfare, just thought this to give me some stamina, 'cause back then I didn't liked to go to college. Not that I do now, but at least I manage myself to go enough time to approve the class.
As there were cold, black days, there were good days. During my early twenties, I met one of the most beautiful women in this entire planet, and at the same time, for the first time ever, I knew what a broken heart was. I mean, for real... 'cause we (meaning, my lady and me) were so in love, or maybe it was the heat of the moment, I have no clue.... that, while the thing fucked up and exploded, I had an awful lonely time, and didn't wanted to be helped, but only by myself.
Eventually I did, although, the girl and I met again 2 years later, but things weren't the same, and I think they won't, at least for now. God, how I wish to embrace her and don't let her go... but I have no clue what does she wish so, maybe I should stop dealing with abstracts.
I've learned also, that the best way to learn to live, is to learn to lose. Whatever loss means, you have to learn to deal with it. While I was 21, I met this gorgeous woman, even more beautiful than the previously mentioned, to me she was (back then, and sometimes I do think of her) a God send angel to comfort me, just for an hour, I don't know, maybe I'm just too obnoxious, or an old school romantic, or just plain stupid.
But I swear, that looking at her was the experience that gave me relief, inspiration, and nerve to start creating my own music. Those were the 45 minutes of pure bliss, I could tell, for the first time someone seemed genuinely interested in my dreams, pursuits, and crazy ideas I've got... 'cause she felt identified with me, and I felt identified with her, and also, bewitched by those blue eyes of her... damn, I still remember that day like it was yesterday, but it wasn't yesterday, it's been a long ago...
- Isn't she a God Send Angel? Where would she be now, I don't know... Hope she's fine-
So, now I'm 24. I've run through an awful lot of names as a musician, and thankfully, I've learned a lot through the path. And I've had unlearnt a lot of stuff, as well.
Bruce Lee said something like "Be like water, my friend"...
It's been quite a long since I posted something in this blog. Actually, I've stopped it 'cause, I thought all the things I've got inside my head should be left unsaid, 'cause, after all I don't know if anyone dares to read all the things I wrote here. But I remember why I started this blog... It was for my own enjoyment, so later on I could reflect on how I felt at a certain time/moment while hearing a piece of music.
Today I'm not gonna write about music... 'cause, to be honest I don't know what else to say 'bout it, yeah, my friends were right, all the things I talk 'bout are music, music, and music. And yeah, sometimes they got bored and go away. It's my fault, and I am really honest and I accept it.
Today, as I am hearing an album that sorta pulls me in a very, very sensitive mood (Fuck all the stupid people who say that sensitive equals gay or something)... I am gonna, let go all of the things I've got inside my head, and I think I've been keeping in silence, filtering through my head like a silent poison... I just, exploded, and screamed... like the world's gonna end.
- The record by the way is the only one I have of the Trans Siberian Orchestra, called Beethoven's Last Night, which deals 'round a concept where, Beethoven is composing his 10th symphony, in his last day alive. -
It's funny, and easy to use words a lot. Ranging from the ones that cheer you up, or the ones you use to pull people down without realising it, or worst yet, the ones you use to humilliate or make feel someone guilty. The worst thing, is that we all humans are guilty for being humans. Yeah, you read it, we're guilty of being humans.
I know there are some things that we should always watch out and keep in, 'cause it's the way we people evolve. But it seems we recreate, and swim through this countless words we say, every day, every night, sometimes without realising it... and while we noticed we fucked things up, it's way too late.
I screamed today, very loud... 'cause I felt doing so. I was supposed to go out with my mom, and pick up some guitar cables and all sorts, 'cause on friday I've got a music concert, in an Arts festival organised by my college, but she wasn't there. I am a person who, tries to keep his words, in all circumstances, and while I say yes or no, or whatever word or sentence, I try to keep it and do it, 'cause that's part of something called Honor.
But anyway, guess not all of us have it, and I accept it, but damn... It angers me while someone, specially my family, breaks his/her word. It's a sour mixture of anger and deception. And I've tasted that a lot through my life. But I'm way goddamn stupid, maybe naive, and I still believe in people, no matter how stupid we could be. I say we, 'cause I am also part of the people.
Thing is, ma' mother is ill, maybe she's got the cancer, she told me that yesterday, and she returned late to our appointment 'cause she went to the doctor. Yeah, he told her she probably had the cancer. Maybe my mom's self prophecy's of dying just after I've got my college degree would come true... I know some day parents will go (or we sons or daughters should go first, no idea) but... anyway, it just depressed me, not only 'cause she told me the situation, but also 'cause I felt like an asshole, for yelling at her. I wanted to scream again, so I did. And I yelled at her again a couple of times more, while I feel bad, I think the best thing to do is to leave me alone, 'cause I've seen that I behave just like a damaged lion, I tend to be agressive. While I was younger, I hurted my hands breaking a mirror just using my angry fists... that says it all...
I swear to God, that I want to scream again, and cry a lot. Fuck everyone who says that men don't cry, guess what, they do. I do cry while I am in deep pain, or really angry... and in this case it seems to be that mix.
You know, people tells me a lot of times : Stop being angry, Stop this, Stop being that... Why you're so this and that, your problem is this and that... And by people I mean, friends and family. You know what, sometimes I want to say to you in your faces, "Fuck You"... but somehow I remember you people tell me such things 'cause you've seen in me the honesty I preach and try to give to everyone, and you're honest with me...
Sometimes I wish I was a different person, the friend everyone would kill for, the man the ladies will like for who he is, but, I remember something that one of my heroes said: "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than liked for who I am not". So...
Yes, I am a maniac, and I am thinking seriously, I'm reaching the border line of sanity, due to the current events of my life
Yes, I think the only thing that keeps me sane is music, 'cause I could talk through it, I could hear my heroes talking to me, even if they don't know me, I could hear each one of the notes resonating in my ears, and giving me relief... Yes, that's what music is for me... It's my catalyst, my savior, my friend, and all I've got.
Yes, I am Ego. Call me Ego guy, Egomaniac, you know what, I used to be affected by this, but why should I be affected by truth. If standing loyal for who you are, for what you believe, and being radical against all that attempts against all the things you stand for means to be the "Ego Guy", then I am one. I am Ego, yes, call me Egotistical, Self Conscious, Introvert, I really have come to the conclusion that I really am that all of those words. Guess what, I'm the only one who knows the real me. I am not masquerading, I happen to be someone else for each person I know, I've loved and hated, and well... It seems that it's the way it will continue being, 'cause all my life I've been just like that.
Yes, I feel bad sometimes. I feel lonely, I wish things the way I see/feel change one day, but they won't. Only the crystal rays of the purity of an honest lover could change that, but, the problem is I have no clue where my woman is. All I know is, that I will continue staying true with myself... and I will continuing doing so.
It's funny to say such nice words to a troubled soul, but as I told one of my friends yesterday... It feels just like showing to a weakling child a piece of tasty food, in front of his dying eyes... That's somehow a twisted way of sympathy...
I wish people could just, put in someone's else's shoes for one day. I am not saying that I wish everyone could see things the way I do, nah, I mean (And I include myself) I wish everyone could see far beyond their own eyes... see the pain and sorrow inside the people's eyes, and give 'em some relief...
I wish so, maybe I'd not lost more brothers or sisters every day... in the hands of the seductive suicide...
