Walkin' like a ghost ...

While I was 19, I thought I would be able to conquer the world.
Now that I'm 25, I think that I should walk through the world.

I'm not precisely a man well versed on the art of being humble. The "Ego Problem" is one of my major traits when it comes down to my psyche structure, and to be honest, I don't give a fuck 'bout that. (un)Fortunately, as far as I'm concerned, those kind of things make each person a complete diferent universe.

I've seen in front of me happen a lot of things lately. A week ago I spent 4 days at my grandma's house, I forgot how peaceful this place was. I moved in this place for this period of time 'cause my grandpa had to solve some things with his brother who's pretty fucked up now, all sick and stuff.

I had the most amazing and weirdest time of my life in company of my grandma. I had to do things I have never done in my short existance, let me tell you why.

My lovely grandmother is a 82 years old lady, and her name's Maria. As you can imagine, an 82 yr' older moves really, really in slow motion, and technically is like we humans kind of "remember" the days we used to try to walk while we're just kids. Some people said that being in the elderly age is kind of like being a kid again, I agree on some extent, the difference is, these are "kids with experience and lots of memories".

So anyway, due to this reasons I had to do the following:

- Being a Cook and have some good dinner ready at 12h00 P.M and then at 18h00 P.M
- Being a Grandson on charge with pills and stuff prescribed by her doctor.
- Be the man of the house and take care of any strange situation goin' around
- Wake up early to get fresh bread, 7 A.M to be exact.
- Go to buy food and all other sorts

The thing is I had to be disciplined in order to make life pretty easy for both my grandma and me, in the end things went really cool, and we had some really good conversations, funny ones, serious ones, and polithical ones. I forgot how much of a talkative person she is, but it was fine for me.

Actually, it was a humbling, and somehow an inspiring experience.

Humbling because I had to forget, for a while, my own personal bullshit, negativity, problems, and be the best grandson I could for my grandma, to have a good time no matter how fucked up things were at the moment, to have a good time no matter how fucked up the thesis work is (Thankfully, the thing is going really well)...

And most important of all, because I had to keep my word of taking care of her.

It's kinda funny how my mom said she missed me, 'cause that's what happens when you leave your environment for another completely different. She even cried on the phone, but I understood it was a way of her saying to me she was like, missing my crazyness 'round the house. I know better, I'm the youngest at my house, I'm the one always yelling weird things, singing like a deaf beast, the one who hears the music in a God-Forbids loud, way loud, level.

I guess the quietness after I left was quite unbearable for her...

At nights, I felt like a ghost, the keeper of the house. Usually I always left my grandmother while she was sleepy, closed the door and went to the room I was in, read a bit of Miles Davis autobiography, then heard some music, then think some stuff, like I always do, and then sleeping.

I can tell you, after I came back from my grandma's house, I found myself more vulnerable, in contact with myself, with my eyes and with my thoughts.

Since that day, yeah I've seen beauty, but it just passed away from me, like ignoring me, but maybe I was ignoring her. I don't know, but now I can tell it's possible to handle this kind of thing. Let's say, that I've become more human...

I even stopped to argue about the music I don't like at all. Winds of Change? maybe...




Maybe it was necessary to stay away from what I'm used to.

While I was 19, I thought I would be able to conquer the world.
Now that I'm 25, I think that I should walk through the world.

I am a Ghost... in the world of the living.

Motherfuckin' cosmic day

I'll not write no shit 'bout February 14.

Wanna know why? I hate that day, 'cause somehow, and thanks to a philosopher kind of fella, I realised that is a cruel day, specially towards people who's alone and with no kind of relationship with someone, male or female.

- Maybe I'm being too rude, but that's how I see this damn day. I'm sorry if that's not the way for you, I don't want to offend nobody... -

Anyway, I'm gonna talk about February 13!

Man, what a fucking awesome day, well... it is awesome if you're into rock music like I am... wanna know why?



40 Years Ago, Black Sabbath released their first album, and changed music history for GOOD, and later on became the most influential band for musicians to come, and it's still influential even in this modern days... Sure, why wouldn't they be!?





49 Years Ago, Henry Rollins, former frontman of the legendary Black Flag was born... He was 9 when Sabbath's 1st album was released, What a Birthday Gift! :) ...






60 Years Ago, Peter Gabriel, former frontman of the band Genesis (I'm not much a fan of 'em actually, I prefer Peter's solo work...) was born.



Now, talk 'bout a cosmic motherfuckin' day?!

In a way, the devil riffage, the intensity, and the spiritualism in music were born in this day...

For sure, I have no clue how, but I'm gonna celebrate.


Fuck Valentine's day, I stick to my heroes day! :D

More (Minus) Human

The week is over and the month continues moving on. As I thought, this week was somehow kind of weird, 'cause the carnival is 'bout to start, and people is going nuts already wondering where would they be this year, due to not breaking the tradition of going away while we have this holiday time.

Personally I have to deal with some things, first of all the thesis thing, 'cause I have to re-think of the approach I'm giving to it, got word from a friend of mine who's working with me on it that one of our college teachers said some bullshit 'bout it, and we came to the conclusion that the guy just don't like our work or the thing we're trying to work on... And, somehow I've got this weird feeling that this fella's gonna be on the thesis judges, so gotta re-think and re-re-think it, all of that in less than 2 months.

Life's really a motherfucker, just like people. But it's ok, I'm fine with it.

There's also the music thing, yesterday had a great guitar class and, as usual I came back home feeling like I learned something else that I had no clue before. At the same time, I realised how wrong I was on my approach on some things, music learning is actually a really humbling experience, where you realise that once you start on it, there will be always a long path to walk through.

I feel really happy 'cause of it, actually.

Actually, whatever the thing you love, it should be that way, being always fascinated, just like 2 lovers who just got into a relationship.

In music, and with the instrument I play, I always feel fascinated when learning a new chord, a new voicing, a new lil' concept... I guess that's why I wanna play as many instruments I can, being the next one to learn the piano. Damn, I love the sound of them white and black keys...

As usual, when being surrounded with music, I feel great. I feel no anxiety, no obscure clouds, no bullshit. When I'm without music, I feel sick, almost like dying. It's very weird but that's how I feel it...

So anyway, for those of you who're having fun in this holidays, I sincerely hope you do have fun, and for those of you who're staying at home, well, I sincerely hope you do have fun too.

I'll stay in the city, takin' care of my grandma 'cause my grandpa's gonna visit his family, and 'till he's back I gotta take care of her, and in the meantime I'll play some of my guitar things, I hope I won't bother her :)

Rain...

One of the most fascinating things in nature is rain...

While it rains, usually something happens with either, nature or, with us.

When raining, all the animals that usually are outside, gather inside and try to find a warm place until the rain is gone.

When winter time starts, and rains start (at least here in this side of the globe), crickets come outside, and become the living nightmare of some people (specially females and a very few males), this also means that, they start to find a couple to reproduce, that's why you hear those weird kind of high pitched noises coming out from nowhere...

In people it's more weird... (And we think we're normal, yeah right)

I've come up with a theory, once again...

People who like rain, are either, in love or people who is always hippety hoppet. What I mean is that they're full of energy and the "Always Smiling" kind of people...

Why ? Well, if you've been outside when it's raining, no matter if in company or alone, while rain starts, as I told earlier, we (like any animal) find either a place to hide, or try to run away from it.

And, if you look closer to the people near you, you'd realise that the ones who're actually couples (Whatever kind of), start to hug each other and smile. Or, try to experience the "Kiss under the rain" situation. That's kinda cool...

In my personal experience, most of my friends who happen to like rain are people to happen to be either in love, or have this "smiley" state of mind.

Rain could mean catastrophe for some of our fellow humans, 'cause they live in dangerous places where the rivers usually flood, and destroy everything...

It's the same for people...



Some of us, while it rains start to feel really, really down. This is the other side of the coin, where people who's lo-energy-driven starts to feel lonely, start to be introspective, and go into their bedrooms, lock it down and just sleep, sleep, sleep.

I'm one of those people. When it rains, I happen to feel like that, and usually I even don't look at my guitar, 'cause I don't feel like doing it, I just stay, listening some slow motioned music, and start to think 'bout things that I shouldn't think, like the famous "Why am I here?", "What should I do with myself?".

Rain usually is the perfect time when I face myself...

Last year, there was this heavy rain going on in my city, and for some weird reason, I went to the roof of my house, just with a couple boxers on, and stood still for an hour. What I realised is that, while you're half naked and under a heavy rain, you can't bullshit yourself, you can't tell yourself the famous "Everything's gonna be allright" (I am starting to hate that sentence)... you can't tell no lie to yourself.

It was a great moment...

If you're someone who doesn't fear facing yourself, do it.

There's nothing like being almost one with nature...

Listen, it's the best gift you could give to someone...

Last day I was practicing some guitar excercises on my guitar, all through the neck, in the key of C major, and all of sudden someone rang the bell outside my house. It was this old, very old lady who happens to be a friend of my mother, and happens also to know me since I was a very, little baby.

As many of you know, I'm 25 right now, for those of you who have seen me (either through photos or in person) know that I am quite bigger than I used to be, because I'm lifting weights, and since I'm a tall fella, now I seem like a giant!

Anyway, the joy in the lady's face when she saw me was really genuine. I mean, she knows me since I was a lil' kid, and now I'm almost a grown up adult, and told me she was glad to see me healthy and strong. So I saluted her, she saluted my mom, started talking with her and I went back to my guitar excercises and sit, being left with these thoughts I'm sharing right now.

When having this kind of situations, we have the chance to reflect. I'm not saying to look on the past, but to reflect what we have done, what are we doing, and what we're going to do. It's very common, that one day you're sitting somewhere in your house, or you're in the bus, whatever the place, and then someone calls you (or text messages you, I'm aware of the times we live in) saying that they need to talk to you.

What do we usually do? Have we thought "Let's treat the others the way we would want to be treated"?. Have we thought "Oh man, here's this fella again"?. Have we thought in the smallest, chance that with just listening, someone would be released, or would feel better?

Having a good pair of ears, and a double pair of eyes ('cause I use lenses), I was aware of the situation going on with the ol' lady and my mom. They were talking, but the ol' lady was the one leading the conversation, she was asking my mother a ton of questions, but at the same time I could tell she was feeling sort of in company.

I might be wrong, but every time I've seen this ma'am on my house, she leaves with a big smile in her face. Sometimes my mom says "Tell her I'm not here" but, as fucked up as I am, I tell the lady nothing, 'cause I am aware that sometimes we people need company, in the shape of conversation. Specially if you're someone who lives alone.

We all deserve to be heard. I mean, if guys like thieves, narcos, and serial killers ARE heard, why the rest of people couldn't? Is there a difference between a priest and a thief? Is there a difference between a rich and a poor man? No, there isn't.



While being in the kind of situations where people asked me to go and listen to them, I usually do. Sometimes I am so pathetically humanitarian, that even if I'm really fucked up in the head and angry or, depressed, I try to put aside my personal bullshit to give some kind of relief for whoever asks me to do so.

Personally, while I have something that bothers me, or troubles me, I don't like to go out and call someone to talk. I used to do such thing before, but nowadays I'm aware that people run through their lives, instead of walking, and I don't wanna bother no one with my thoughts of anger, solitude and despair. And there's plenty of them, so that's why I decided to write 'em down, in the shape of words.

Let's be honest, there's nothing like being heard. There's a difference between being surrounded in a sea of letters and being surrounded in a hug, or shared tears.

There's also something special, almost magical, when you start to talk within yourself, within words that are coming out of your head, within musical notes being played and heard by your ears... To me that's what works...

But once again, there's nothing like human warmth, a sincere look in the eyes...

If you run with the luck of being surrounded by people who loves you, listen to them. I guarantee you, they'll be your support while being old, and you'll not live alone in your later adulthood.

If you're like me... I hope you could change.